What next for me??

This is all the shit in my life and its so long because there is so much shit in my life…

In my teenage years i had almost no friends and pretty much only met with my cousins who ditched me and my brother pretty quickly after they went back to the school all their friends were at. Then my cousins left and I officially went out a few times in the 7 months they were gone. Then my parents were in a car accident that left my father paralysed and my mother dead. I then convinced my father to let me and my siblings move out of the country (which was also simultaneously undergoing a complete economic meltdown). I also believe that my father and his side of the family, who were against the move,  hate me for this, even though without it my siblings would have gone mad at a home without their mother, their dying father and no social life at all without any relatives or friends to help support them. Ironically, the same relatives that were pushing for us not to leave, themselves left using the money made from the business my father helped start. My relatives I lived  from my mothers side didn’t really like me much but to their credit, they let me stay and do my thing. I also started smoking soon after leaving my home country. I also started at a top university where i had to commute 5 hours a day and simulataneously see if mine and my siblings immigration case went through. It did, and that was the first real break i had had in years. My studies on the other hand dropped badly and I went from a star student to a barely scraping student. I also had almost no friends during my degree and was depressed pretty much throughout. I somehow managed to scheme my way into a top medical school, my life’s dream, where life seemed finally to be getting better before after 5 months I got food poisoning and ibs that lead to diarrhoea and constipation. The stress and depression from that led to a situation now where I cannot even sleep properly and I have just withdrawn from medical school after passing the first two years without issue because i just cannot sleep. I do not even care anymore about my life. I cannot feel anything, i just want to die. I think i will kill myself, but religion and the damage to my family hold me back. Also, I used to be good looking enough that I could make a girl blush just by looking at her and I have never had a girlfriend. I also started seeing those dodgy masseuses but never got anywhere because my porn addiction has left me sexually dead with sever erectile dysfunction. In a way thats a good thing because I would probably have wasted thousands of dollars on hookers otherwise. How shit is my life really, i think its close to a 2 on a ten scale. but i may overestimate.