It’s so funny how I can look at everyone else’s suicidal rantings, all these people who are obviously in so much pain… and just not understand why things are so hopeless for them. At the same time, I see my own situation as totally and completely hopeless. I have always said that no matter what I am facing or feeling, I would never trade my problems for anybody else’s. I still feel that way, but I am just DONE. Spent. Wasted. Exhausted.I have a chronic illness, and I am in pain every day. I lost my great job. My disability payments aren’t enough to pay the bills. I have some savings that I’m quickly plowing through. At the risk of sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself, I could probably muddle through and survive if so many people weren’t working against me. I mean–I have a partner who loves me, and with his help, I could manage to get some laundry done, cook our meals, feed the cats, etc.But I only get a few good hours a day, and my ability to cope is just gone. I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. The doctors can’t find what’s wrong with me, and the pain medications are killing me. With or without them, my daily existence is unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I am dead already and this is hell. I probably sound paranoid when I talk about people working against me, but if you knew the scope of the situation, you would realize I am quite sane.In spite of once being a really together person who did everything right, I am now in a hole from which I cannot extricate myself. I was smart enough to buy disability insurance, but when I got sick, they refused to pay. I had to hire a lawyer. So now he is getting a third of my benefits and I don’t have nearly enough to live on. My neighborhood association is evil. In spite of pleas from me and my loved ones about my illness, they have singled me out–suing me over the roof I put on my house and working with the city I live in to fine me for minor infractions. Everyone knows it is unfair, but these are powerful people. I fought them for a long time–writing letters, representing myself in court–but it didn’t do any good. I am going to lose my house.The people who love me have done as much as they can, but they can’t fix any of this. And I don’t have the energy or the will. I am living with my partner, but because his ex-wife ruined him in their divorce, this house is about to go into foreclosure. My house is too much of a mess to live in right now. We can’t afford food, but the ex lives in a huge house bought for her by the man she cheated with. They are going to France next week, and my partner just lost his drivers license because he can’t afford to pay her child support. The kids are with us most of the time, so none of this really makes sense. We’ve been to court, but the judge didn’t care. I know I sound like a spoiled, selfish baby, but I’m honestly not jealous or even bitter. All these people who have done things to make my life more difficult have also succeeded in making their own lives miserable in the process. I do wonder what motivates their behavior, but I’m too worn out to care anymore. I’m not selfless enough to wish them well, but if they do find peace one day, at least maybe it will spare other people from the misery they seem to enjoy causing.Hell–there are people on death row for crimes they didn’t commit, so my story of getting screwed by the system isn’t going to get me any sympathy. A local reporter was going to write a story, but the wealthy people scared him off. Long story, and really not surprising–judges, elected officials, the media–so much corruption. I don’t know why it is surprising that we are in the bind we’re in. I know you don’t have the full story, so you’ll have to trust me when I say this is really not my fault. When I was healthy, I could have dealt with all this. My neighbors love me, and they all tried to help. But in the end, it just made things worse. The rich and powerful started going after them, too.So I can’t fight anymore–the pain is outrageous, and now I have such incredible anxiety, I can’t even bear to make a phone call to the cable company. I can’t even leave the house to go food shopping. Dealing with people on any level has become unbearable. I cringe when someone at the supermarket asks me if I need help. I’ve lost touch with most of my friends.There are solutions to some of these things if I felt well enough to deal with it. But I don’t. And the people who love me have tried their best, but it’s too much for them, too. I just want to end my life and leave what little I have to my partner. It would probably be enough to dig him out of his financial hole. I know he would rather be in that hole with me than out of it alone, but I am barely human anymore. I am ready to kill myself, but I am absolutely terrified of screwing that up, too. I have a ton of narcotics, but overdoses often fail. I am already a drain on everyone who loves me, so the last thing I would want is to saddle them with a drooling, brain-damaged vegetable. Things could be worse!Also, it’s not just “the system” and my poor health. The people who love me hate each other. Yep–my father hates my partner so much he won’t even come to family celebrations. My poor mother has tried so hard to be the peacemaker, but it seems my dad hates my chosen partner in life more than he loves me. He refuses to even talk about it. I feel a lot of guilt because my parents have helped me so much financially. If they didn’t, I would rather not have anything to do with them. I am making them miserable.There is more, but everyone has a hard luck story. I just don’t see any future at all. Even if I won the lottery, no amount of money will fix my health. I’ve been to so many doctors, and they have nothing left to offer. And I can’t force my loved ones to play nice, either.Everyone dies eventually. I’ve had some good times in my life–more than a lot of people. So why can’t I just check out now? The weight on me is just too heavy. My problems have exceeded my ability to cope. My mom says killing yourself is a coward’s way out. But honestly, I think it takes a lot of courage to actually go through with suicide. I’ve actually reached a point where I’m not afraid to die–just scared I’ll fail and make it worse. The more painless ways usually fail, and I just can’t imagine jumping off a building or throwing myself in front of a train. I just wish I had someone to help me, but no one who loves me is going to hold my hand while I die. And who else can I trust? I guess in the end, everyone dies alone, right?I just don’t have the physical (or emotional, quite frankly) strength to put one foot in front of the other. I wouldn’t even know where to start. I can’t even remember the last time I showered. It takes so much effort. I only get a few hours a day when I feel even half-decent, and now I have wasted one of them whining on this website. I really need to get on with the task of getting myself to a quiet place, putting a bag over my head and swallowing these pills. It’s the beginning of the month, so I probably have enough to do the job, especially if I sealed myself inside a big plastic bag. I have anti-emetics, too. I just feel terrible for the poor person who finds me. And my affairs are not really in order. I’ve written out a barely coherent list of my assets and who I want them to go to, but it probably isn’t legal. It’s really unsentimental, too, but I’m just too exhausted to write the perfect goodbye to everyone. I think I’ll leave this page up and just hope that my loved ones won’t dishonor my memory by fighting about my stuff. My dad is just so damned hateful, and grief makes people do unpredictable things.I do want everyone who loves me to know that I don’t hold them responsible for anything that has gone wrong in my life, and I’m really grateful for how much they’ve tried to help me. The man who raised me was a truly wonderful person, and those are the memories I’m hanging onto. I will leave this world knowing I was truly loved. And that’s more than a lot of people get.Okay… time to take a shower, gather the goods and get in my car. Have to figure out where to go where no one will find me right away…