Ive had a horrible life ffrom the get go. I was bullied and made fun of all thru grade school for my family being poor. Ive been raped. Beaten. I was never taught to deal with emotion just to shut it out and let it bottle up until i explode from it.  Im insecure and have no sense of self worth. I huffed gasoline for ten years to try and shut out the pains of my lif and it messed my brain up the doctors sad it looked fine on any test they did but i know something s wrong and noone will listen.  I am 25 year old guy living with my mom and cant keep a relationship a job friends or money. I tried turning to god  but i was pushed away from religion and cant see a logcal explanation for the god theory.  Getting to the point i hate my life i hate everything about myself  i find myself always thinking about death and suicide  I havent been able to do it and dont see myself doing it but i feel like if my life keeps going this way i will be able to do it. Any thoughts on what i should do. ? Counseling doesnt work for me theyre only in it for the paycheck.
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Why do you think there’s something wrong with your brain? I know that having a low self-esteem eats away any possibility of succeeding at anything. Fixing that is the key, but how? I kind of have the same problem. All I can do is empathize and hope one day soon you figure a way out of your own head.
I see things not full on but i do. My entre teenage life was devoted to huffing gas to live in a life i created with the trip. And now that the gas is done the effect is still there. I feel alone. Beyond just the normal lonely feeling. I used gas to fill the void of never having friends and to make up for my aunt diing she was like a mother to me. In my gas trip she was still here for me and i had friends and money i know it was just a trip but it became my world i huffed 20 out of the 24 hours in a day for 8 years straight. Skipping school to huff it and i was a straight A student until 8th grade literally. Now i can barely remember and do simple algebra. Its hard to explain why i know my head is still messed up thats prolly why they cant find it. But like i said its there i know it i just dont know how t explain it.