a silent goodbye

My first message was to be “to anyone who loved me, I am sorry” but that does little to explain my thoughts, and those who love me deserve at least a glimpse.

I can’t imagine a better summer then the one that just passed.  Europe was quite lovely, I wish I could move there.  I smoked, I loved, I laughed. But summer is over and every year the winter seems worse than the previous one. I thought things were turning around, but autumn starts and I’m already falling again.

To Jill- I hope you don’t feel any guilt for this is not your fault.  I have only happy memories of our summer together.  I only wish you would have broken up face-to-face… and still talk to me. I will love you always.

I hope my parents don’t grieve too much.  You are both wonderful and love me so much more than I deserve, for I’ve been nothing but a disappointment the last few months.  If no one else I know you both care for me, and I love you so much for that. But David and Ella have so much more to live for, so why invest in failure?

This society is not for me.  It is not what I want and never will be. But isolation is no way to live, so there seems little point. Just like there’s no point to this world, only people scurrying around like ants, building society towards some great unknown goal that doesn’t exist and never will.  I accepted long ago that there is no point to this world but to have fun, so why does everyone hate this philosophy of mine? I want little, just my own place to relax and smoke and be able to ignore this unfortunate world we live in.  What is so wrong about that? Therapy won’t change my mind, because I cannot change what I believe.

I have few friends and they don’t know or understand me very well.  They just see a happy kid always willing to share weed.  I hope I at least added to other’s happiness. But to Zach and Taylor, I wish only the best for your futures; you are both kind and deserve to be happy.

I have lost all that made me happy.  People say everything happens for a reason, but I do not believe in fate, for suicide can’t be part of fate.  And I can’t change that night up the canyon, my biggest of many regrets.

My future is cloudy with a high chance of storming.  I do not truly want to die, only to escape this life I have.  But that is not possible, I cannot change who I am, and all of my new beginnings have led me to this same dark place.  I am done with the cycle.

I hope that this at least helps explain my decision.  I read lots of suicide notes online and I think mine describes my choice better than most do. I am calm and have no worry for whatever future comes next. May my body be burned and my ashes spread in a place of peace.

With love to all I go.  I am nervous, but that will pass, just like your sorrow.