Calling Amakua!

Amakua, you were the one who first helped to keep me sane, okay temporary sanity, lol, VS the “insanity I was feeling.”  Life continues to spiral, and become more messed up everyday.  I remember you, Goodgirl, The Duke of Marmalade and Dawg.  Voices of reason, when life seemed to have no reason. So, I am here again after a 4-5 month hiatus.  Obviously not here because everything is fucking groovy.  Ah, showing my age.  So, the update, or the rehash, whichever you prefer.

I am 52, married, but not living with my husband, he moved out in February, yet, we are not separated, or so I tell myself. He really emotionally/physically checked out of the marriage 5 yrs ago, but I didn’t divorce him because he’s sick.  So, I had a 3 year affair instead, that is over, since he moved on to another women.  My husband is on dialysis, and does 6 days a week home hemodialysis until he gets a kidney transplant or dies, or lives.  Who knows.  His ex-wife from Fiji lives at his apartment and does the dialysis with him, she has hijacked my life. My step-daughters, joys and blessings in my life arrived in September from Nigeria.  They live with them…oh, and ex-wife is not their mother, she’s still in Nigeria.  They are here because I filed for them, I love them and never, ever imagined not being the one to help raise them.

So, what’s a gal to do?  I don’t have a key to the apartment, can only see the girls when it’s convenient to Tony, or actually when they need something from the store.  Feeling used and abused. The girls ask for me, but it’s Veronica who cooks their meals, washes their clothes, tends to my husband. So, why do I cry?  Why don’t I just head to court and file for divorce and end it, why do I tolerate the pain, the feeling of being excluded, of being a doormat?  I’m not suicidal, but wouldn’t mind being dead. Rhetorical questions, but if you think of a reason, feel free to share.

Oh, yeah, my 54 yr old sister died suddenly in her sleep July 3d and I’m really pissed it was her and not me.  Still not handling her death well, living my life in “faking it ’til I make it mode.”  Miss my sister like crazy.  Thank God for her 3 amazing sons, her legacy to the world.  I also take care of my 86 year old mother, who’s been hospitalized 4 times this past year, and is presently in a rehab recovering from a surgical repair of her femur which broke when she passed out in my arms.  I feel real good about not being able to hold her up and instead lowered her to the floor, but her leg snapped anyway.  Sarcastic, aren’t I?  Ironically she is now in the facility where I first began my nursing career in 1977.  I would love to go back and work there, so many memories.  (My sister, also a nurse worked there, too.)

Oh, and my former lover got married Oct 12th, I was invited to the wedding, but bailed out cause I couldn’t handle it.  He wants to see me when he gets back from his honeymoon next week, but that’s not happening.  See, he wants to pick up the affair again, got married for who knows what reason, mainly he doesn’t want to be alone, but wants me, too. I can not go back to that life. My life is too screwy for that, and it’s good that I recognize it.

So, what am I doing to keep myself semi sane? Well met a guy, a Karate teacher and started taking lessons, which I love and hate. I’m 52, fat, unfit and doing jumping jacks, crunches, sweating, and Karate with no balance or coordination?  Really, that’s insane, but I won’t quit.  I’m not quitting because I really feel good about Karate, about challenging myself, and am happy because I am doing this for me, and me alone.  A first in my life.  Instead fantasize about the Karate dude…who BTW I did have a brief fling with before lessons began.  Wish the Karate dude didn’t see how messed up I am.  Kind of obvious when PTSD rears up, and I freak out from being on the floor. He asked me right out, was I raped or molested. It was both, and both before I was 12yrs old.  So, he knows about my marriage, my separation, ’cause that’s really what it is, and my fucked up childhood.

So, obviously a messed up lady here. Love, hate relationship with my husband, need to end it, but feel lie a failure.  Love my step-daughters, hate his ex-wife.  .   Oh well, so AMAKUA where are you?  Tried to call, tried to email, no luck. Miss you girl, love you. Hope to God you’re hanging in there.  I know you know about my sister, I think that’s about when I lost touch with you. LOL  I couldn’t remember my sign in stuff for here, so had to re-register.  Might have been Lou Lou before, Heaven knows.

Be well, everyone, glad to be back, which is a very twisted thought, but glad to know some of you are still here.

Mary Lou