Can someone help me PLEASE!!!

I did that about 4 months ago. Obviously, it didn’t work. Mixed several Lorazepam pills (not really sure how many) with two glasses of straight vodka. Tied a fabric belt up in my closet and wrapped it around my neck.

Last thing I remember before the blackout was throwing up in the wastepaper bin in my tiny apartment bedroom.

Apparently, the smell (or something) of vomit caused my flatmate and her friend (my girlfriend’s housemate) to investigate my room and they called an ambulance.

I somehow passed out on the ground without the noose, though (which is still tied up in my closet; it’s done up too tight and I can’t untie it), so I don’t think she ever found out it was a suicide attempt.

I made a note as well. I couldn’t think of anything to write that truly expressed how I felt (and I didn’t think it was that important anyway), so I just wrote “I’m tired” on a piece of paper and signed it. She didn’t see that though, because I threw up on it as well.

Actually, I threw up on a lot of things. Really, really messy. Something most movies that depict this method don’t show you.

That was a fucked up week let me tell you. And while I feel a lot better about the things that happened in the last few days that prompted me to do what I did, I don’t feel any regret for attempting, and I rarely am glad that I failed.

I’m not going to tell you that we’re wrong. I know, you know how you feel and what right does anyone else have to tell you you can’t choose what’s best for you? Sometimes, I just wish it was a choice we didn’t have to make.

Peace.

I don’t know. Probably. I’m so tired. I just want to sleep and never wake up. To be in unconscious thoughtless bliss for eternity.
My girlfriend told me to promise I’d never do it again after that day. I was still woozy from the drugs when I saw her and she asked me about the bruises on my neck. Without hesitating, I told her I’d tried to hang myself. She was scared, I know, but I didn’t realise how scared until at least a day later, when my mind was clear (well, not drug affected). People always want you to promise you won’t do it again. No one gets it. I can’t make that promise. I couldn’t if I wanted to. Even if I knew I didn’t want to die, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the way I did that day again.

I don’t know if I really do want to stay alive even now. And while the numbness is still there, if it comes back to what it was like that week, yeah, I’ll probably do it again.

In my head, I set dates and I say to myself “maybe this weekend I’ll do it.” or “maybe when I get home”.
The other day, I started watching a movie in my room (I was a little tipsy), and I strung myself up again. I tied the belt around my neck and tried to kneel. Not trying to kill myself, this time, just… experimenting, sort of, getting comfortable with the idea of it. Bruising again. She asked me if I had tried cutting my neck, or scratching myself.

I told her that it was a hayfever induced rash. I feel bad about lying, but she doesn’t understand that part of me. I’m not sure anyone does.

At the same time, if I were to wake up tomorrow with a new found faith in Jesus Christ, (or hopefully one of the less homophobic or bigoted deities), or maybe just a sense of peace and happiness or emotional connection to something in the world despite on my overwhelmingly nihilist worldview that made me want to stay alive, I wouldn’t be complaining. I really just want respite from the pain.

That presupposes it’s going to get better, though. And that, if it is going to get better, it’s worth the wait.

I wish there was something I could do to help you. You seem like such a brave strong person.