I feel like I’m drowning right now. The last few months I have been desperatley grabbing onto anything. Anything at all, just small tiny things to keep me from going under. I’ve been really utilizing denial and distraction. Ultimatley this just sets me up for giant meltdowns. I know what needs to be done. It’s like a splinter in my brain. The outcome is becomming increasingly obvious. If my life was a book or movie, you wouldn’t have to finish it. My life has been a shitty melodramatic indie film. Not the type that wins sundance awards. Just a crappy, badly scripted and acted film. I’ve played out telling people in my real life whats going on…but I’ve already played the scene where I confess how bad things are for me right now, in my head. And their responses were no help.
So im sitting here eating a pull n peel licorice, and contemplating the end of me. I think part of the reason its so hard to decide how your going to do it, is because no matter how fucked up part of you is…the other part of your brain is like “woaahh kill myself? im not sure i was trained on this, this goes against everything i learned”
Why do people say..”If I could go back Id do everything the same, because it has made me who I am today?” Are these just the same assholes..who fake it though life..or are they really that happy? If its the latter, I find this concept totally unfathomable. Im the allstar of regrets, and the queen of “if id know then, what i know now.”
5 comments
woah, i literally feel the exact same way. plus i love your username…. im obsessed with butterflies.
Exactly how I feel too!!! I have a few points in my life that if I could just go back and change what I did I think life would be so different.. it torments me..
My therapist asked me what I would do different if I could go back. I’d tell my 7 yr olf self how to successfully exit this world. That ended that conversation pretty quickly. Lol
People close to you always want to know whats really going on in your head, then when they find out they are always shocked. Ive never understood that, if you don’t want to know why ask? And Id say its a mix of assholes and happy people. I for one would change almost everything if I could go back, nobody including me would miss the person I am. Therapy might help but in my own opinion those people are hypocrites, always asking you to open up and trust them and when you do they let you down just like every one else. And the pull and peels are better then the originals, good choice
some people say they wouldn’t change anything cause they are content with who they are, or at least want to show this. sometimes being alive does suck, cause shit happens and you didn’t ask for this life. but here you are, going through some shit and there’s more shit to come, good and bad. and if you’ve been through enough shit you’ll realize that it was mostly our own choices and who we chose to be around that brought on the shitstorm. we are humans, we are meant to live, not die. that’s why they say you are clinically insane when you attempt suicide, as naturally we avoid death, like when you accidently touch something hot. then again, it could all just be pointless, if so, enjoy the ride.