I am humbled by this site. If only we had a clue as to how many others suffer in this life. Idk when this started but I have felt it building for a very long time. And, I have to say, it brings such guilt that, ironically, that is all that has kept me here.
My chidren, my amazing, beautiful children. I have raised the 3 of them on my own and am known as the strongest lady most people have ever known. Boy we had struggles and Lord knows I worked my ass off, but, we made it. I was a very strong willed resourceful Mom that always put her babies first.
They are on their own now, struggling to make ends meet in this God awful economy, and in WI where there is absolutely no help for them. They are and always have been incredible, each with their own distinct beliefs, understandings and personalities. As a healthcare worker and a natural born healer, I have taught my children to see the best in everyone and to befriend the lonely. Man they are something else, so intelligent, none value material things over happiness, and they are very deep souls with an incredible understanding of the world and the people in it. One for Mom, woo hoo.:)
I NEVER want to do anything to hurt them. EVER. But, sadly, I have. My 2 attempts to leave this world were thwarted by being caught, rushed to the hospital and sewing me back up. U may think, how can such a blessed woman, do this not only to herself, but, her precious children…..
The darkness is peaceful to me. I guess that makes me selfish. I have accomplished so much more than most in some ways, I guess. Strong? Used to be that no-one could hold a candle to me, and I didn’t even know people saw me that way. I was just living and doing what I had to, to raise my family the best I could. Over the years I have had some health issues and due to my bull-headedness, they have only worsened.
My past is riddled with some ugly things too, but, I have let them go a long time ago. I have been going on with a lot of pain, and as I age, it only worsens. Spinal fusion at age 32, was a great help, however, not any longer. I now have RA which pisses me off. Me? Can`t open stuff, barely peel an orange. People say, get help, what a joke! There is no Health Care here for older adults without children. Due to my 2 attempts I was placed in a fucking Group Home, ( which I used to manage group homes), was put on a Chapter 51 and forced to stay there for 2 months. It is amazing how fast you can lose your own rights!!!!!I am now staying with my parents for God`s sake. I have no job or income, absolutely pathetic. My worker does not want me to work, and, although turned down for disability, wants me to fight it and stay unemployed.
Cleaned a couple houses for cash, and was down for 4 days, literally. No doc, no pain meds and the free clinic will not prescribe them. Can see my doc but have to pre-pay $202.00……um no income. Screwed. As I read what I typed I think, what a whiner. Nothing has ever stopped me. My pride would not let it. I don’t want to live this way and I don’t want to start over, Lord knows I have been forced to do that a time or two. lol
It kills me when my family says don`t do that or u will just hurt yourself again, or, Dawn can`t help don’t let her do that. Like I am a baby. I cant help wonder what is said behind my back. I have made so many wrong decisions in my life, I have to be accountable for my own actions, no blaming others. I have always taken care of myself and my kids, no way I can lose that right? I come from a strong successful family, I have been the poor one all along. My kids get thrift sale items and love them. I hear my Mom say, I got her black hills gold earrings cause she wont wear the cheap stuff, in regards to a cousin, and I get a 6 pack from Walmart and something for my house. Funny how u treat people isn’t it? For the well off you buy something lovely, for the less fortunate, u skate by on a cheap gift cause u know they will b happy with it. And we r, think its great. But, don’t think we do not notice how u treat others. Yes we were poor, but, I worked 16 hours a day, and they had what they NEEDED. My kids say some of their best memories were from when we had the least. One of my daughters well off friends who was always at our house said to me one day, “Momma, when I grow up I am going to buy u a huge house cause u deserve it. But, you know what, even if u had a big house, u would all b in one room together cause u have more love in your house than any other home I have ever been in”. That was the best compliment i have ever had.
It has been 6 months since my last attempt. God the look on my kids faces. The pain I caused them. I hate myself for that. I love them more than anything in the world. Idk how to make this stop. I wish they could see inside me and understand what I am going thru and know that I dont want to hurt them, or anyone else. I love people, always have. I am a healer and a helper but I cannot help myself. My fight is ….gone….. it is just gone!
Momma is tired, dog tired. All I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. Daily I try to think of a way to do it so it looks like an accident so it will not hurt them that I intentionally left them. My beautiful babies deserve so much more. I am such a loser now. I cant do anything to help them and their father never has. Money did not matter to me the last 2 times, like I said I have always supported us. I am so tired of hurting, I would rather take pain pills and work like a dog shortening my life, rather than living like a worthless slug doing what I can and then being forced to stop due to pain or inability to walk. It is what it is. I feel it coming stronger and stronger. If I say anything they would probably put me someplace, fuck that. I am getting to the point that I do not want to see anyone or go anywhere. I wont do it here, that would kill my parents.
 Idk wtf I am even putting this on here for. Maybe someone else my age or even a child that lost a parent can relate to where I am coming from. I honesty believe that those who commit suicide do not mean to hurt anyone by leaving, they just cant take life anymore. Treat their death as if it were an accident, dont think they didnt care about u. We do, oh so much, we just dont care enuf for ourselves, and probably never have.
This Black Fairy wants to go home….wherever that may be…..
3 comments
There are a few women on this site with exactly the same circumstances. I hope the see this post and comment. You can’t dwell on the past. Those things have happened, you are still here and no damage has been caused to the relationship with your children.
People are always going to have an opinion about you. It doesn’t really matter what people think.
Your health and financial difficulties are frustrating. I know a woman with RA that has injections and is able to function normally. She says that it was very severe but the treatment works. It doesn’t seem fair that you aren’t getting access to treatment. In the UK this wouldn’t be a problem at all.
Your children need you, your an excellent parent and that’s all that counts. Don’t despair.
You just have to dig deep and find the strength to keep going.
Duke, ty for your kind words. I really try not to let what others think matter to me. However, I have never been in such a pitiful state of existence. Suffering every day and night takes a toll on you. It sucks the life right out of u. There are no options for health care for me, the good old USA has turned its back on the working public. No insurance, no care unless u prepay. I too loved the injections but, they are $2,200.00 a pop and need $500 down. WIth no where to turn, I am at a loss and truly tired of suffering. With no health care the RA and Degenerative Disk Disease is going full tilt. WHen the ability to care for yourself is diminished, whats left? I do not want to be a hinderance to anyone. My pride has been sucked from me. Depression has me in chains…
I’ve searched and this post has come up twice so that can’t be a coincidence. I never saw your response but was worried about you. Are any of your children working, perhaps they can chip in and pay for your injections. Once your working again you can pay them back.