Guess this would only hurt myself.

A lot of people think about suicide when they are going through hard time, or when something terrible happens. But what if you have wanted to kill yourself ever since you can remember? I am so completely miserable. I feel like i have been wasting time for years just doing nothing and getting closer to the edge, and never fully there. I just want to die. I feel so alone, all the time. Even around my best friend. She is kind of happy, I feel like i cant just put something like this on anybody’s shoulders. Not that most people i know would even understand it or try to. I guess it all goes back to daddy problems, physical and emotional abuse, and no mommy in the picture. But there are so many people out there that have it so much worse, i feel selfish every time i look for a REASON on why im feeling or thinking this way.
I am so good with my hands and have many talents, and people tell me that all the time. Yet it never brings me any happiness. Graduate with honors. Felt nothing. Got a great present. Why am i not happy? I think about killing myself every single week of my life. And i know its not right. I tried seeing a shrink, i couldnt be honest with them. the moment they saw few scars and heard that i have a problem with my dad, it was like a script change. I tried talking to my boyfriend at the time about it and he dared to say i was selfish because i didnt think about how me doing that would make HIM feel. I guess almost every time  i tried talking to someone about it, they guilt tripped me into feeling like a bad person that does not care about THEIR feelings for thinking this way. I guess i’m writing all this because i need help. I would LOVE some help if i could get some that would actually leave any sort of impact. But i guess deep down i feel like nobody really cares at all. Go to work, smile, go home, smile, listen to everybody else’s problems, smile. I probably look like the happiest sad person in the world.
Right below me i saw a post from a person saying whoever needs to talk email me. Within writing this letter i thought about writing to them at least a dozen times. but somehow i feel like i would just be burdening them with boring drama about a little girl that could have and didnt. i guess im not a little girl anymore. its so hard to accept that fact. its so hard to accept anything about life generally. there are so many people out there that are genuinely not happy and suicidal, so why do i feel so utterly alone? 😡