Everyone is out there getting ready for my favorite party of the year… The one day that “you can be whoever you want to be”, I will be spending here, in front of this computer. I always loved fantasy and once had dreams the size of Jupiter. I believed in fairytales and miracles and that the sky was the only limit… Those were the times in which, even when it got dark and scary, I’d find the courage and strenght to continue on my quest to the other end of the rainbow. According to me, no matter what hand I had been dealt with in this life, I could still become the “glorious” person I envisioned. After all, that beautiful promise of the future was still an ace I carried under my sleeve.
But now, that my future is staring right back at me as we’ve finally come to meet face to face after all this years, I want this game to be over. All bets are off, there are no chips left and to top if all off, I am now condemned to watch others win while I sit alone at the edge of the betting table. I’ve gambled enough with my life so why can I not make one last gamble to abandon this ruthless casino?
Anyway, I began wanting to say that I once believed in angels but got lost in my fury. I used to love them above any other creature in the universe. Last Halloween I picked to be the White Swan instead of the Back one becuase I wanted to resemble one of them. I can be morbidly dark, but deep down, I am perhaps one of the “whitest” people I’ve ever met. Happy Halloween SP. I am glad you are out there :).
93 comments
So you are the one in white? You look like one of those hollywood actresses; what’s the problem again?
SP is the best place for a halloween party anyways since we all apparently think of ourselves are freaks and ghouls.
I’m glad you didn’t jump off a building.
Swan. Youre a total babe :).
Hahaha! Scar! You really make me laugh. Yes, I am the one in white. I can “look” the part if I make an effort, but it’s all a fantasy like Cinderella’s once I wipe off the make up. I am glad you’re here for the party :). My cousin came to visit me but once see leaves, I’ll be back with the people I’ve grown so fond of and prefer to be with ;-). Happy Halloween Scar! We are all beautiful freaks here!
I used to love halloween, dresing up in all most nothing then going out and getting completely shit faced. I do miss that aha and I’m only 15/16 hehe.
Now I just mope about at home because I’m too paranoid to even open the front door. Drgs really do fuck with your head.
And you look amazing ! And I’m going to sound like a right lesbian (I’m not) but your rack looks so good in that corset
Thanks Chrisitna! I haven’t been able to read your post cause my cousin came to visit but I want to hear the story. Once she leaves, I’ll check it. I hope you’re still around then.
I don’t get you at all. Your the hottest babe I’ve ever seen.
I know right Duke. She really is moviestar-gorgeous:)
Oh Swan dont bother, its just ranting anyway. 🙂 Just felt like I should tell you how hot you were haha.
Wow. If you were trying to be an Angel, you nailed it! Very nice.
You are beautiful inside and out, Swan. I never seem to call you ‘black swan’. Whichever you are, I like you either way. I do agree that you are really ‘white’ deep down.
@DoM When people come on here to say they’re fat and ugly or stupid you can pretty much be sure that they’re underweight, physically attractive, and intelligent.
@Black Swan The SP calander already has s2149 and rathernots wedding on it, but you’re giving me some more ideas. Okay, so on halloween we’ll all get together and trick or treat for sleeping pills, tymenol, cyanide etc. Maybe gather round the campfire and see who can tell the scariest ghost.. i mean life stories.
And oh all the things we could do on christmas.
Good grief. Are you still trying to convince me you’re ‘washed up’?!
@scar. I dont agree with that statement. I come here and say that I am fat and stupid and ugly. Because I am all those things. Im about 100 kg away from being underweight :).
Lol, Scar. I find you quite likable. You’re funny.
@ Scar but they don’t look like supermodels. How many of those do you get on suicide sites.
I wonder if it’s possible for people to fall in love online. (I know it’s possible to fall in lust. I do that all the time). If you meet your future ex-wife on a suicide forum, what would you tell people when they asked how you met?
No reason for any of these questions, I’m just thinking out loud.
Are you married or single, Swan? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you straight? Are you looking for someone who will treat you right? What are you doing next weekend?
I’m not the babe you are, but here’s a halloween picture from a few years back!
http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/14731_199138350218_3156907_n.jpg
I know that’s this I cometely off topic, but has anyone heard from jael ? The last I heard, was when she had a gun in her mouth ?
@ Lucy, I was thinking that exact same thing. Weird huh. Great minds must think alike.
Thats the absolute beauty of Love…..or indeed Energy itself, it knows NO boundries, nor time or distance, it’s also funny how love can find you when you least expect it……here’s hoping I guess…
Hello Duke; I would NOT want to compete against you. I have no doubt that you would prove to be a formidable adversary, and I’m not convinced that I would win. Swan is beautiful, we can both agree on that. I won’t comment on this post until she comes back. (Unless you comment, and I feel compelled to answer).
@ Lucy. Ok. In reality I’m no competition to anyone anywhere in anything
@ Duke; That’s a bold faced lie and you know it. You’re very intellligent and anybody with half a brain would be terrified to face you in head to head competition.
That second chat site is ok. It’s where the misfits who have been banned go. You might like it. JJgirl is allright.
Reminding me of my past glory doesn’t really help. Thanks for the offer but I really don’t feel like chatting much.
Thank you so much everyone for your comments, really! I am so sad I missed them while you were probably still here. My cousin finally left and now it’s already midnight :(.
@s2419, I am surprised you liked the “rack” since most girls that obsess over weight tend to prefer a different type of body. Thank you so much Sweeite :). I haven’t seen Jael post here in the last couple of weeks, I think.
@Duke and Lucy, I don’t know what to say. I am shy, right now :O. I am so flattered by your comments. My experience of falling in love online turned out to be a very sad story so that’s one of the reasons why I try to remain a bit distant from too much direct contact or attachment. In the online world it’s easy to idealize people you don’t know and create a picture in your mind of who they are, that’s not so accurate in reality. I am far from being the “act” I’ve mastered to present myself as at first glance. No need to compete as you’d probably would be very disappointed once you met me.
@One_day, I carry the washed up inside. Some wrinkles underneath my eye are starting to become visible. I don’t want to age alone. If I had a partner, I probably wouldn’t be this obsessed with these “trivial” subjects.
@Jjgirl, You are also adorable! I am so happy you joined this site and will be frequenting that new chat that you created for us the “misfits”. You look so cute in that French Maid costume and I am really glad I got the chance to see you.
@StixWallace, Nice to meet you. Never saw you around before, I will surely pay attention to your name from now on. Thanks for the comment :).
@Scar, Your last comment is so sweet and funny. We definitively should celebrate “suicide style” all the important dates of the calendar here
@Chrisitna, first thing I’ll do when I go online tomorrow will be to find your post cause I thought you were just fine when you were commenting with Lucy and the Duke about a post earlier and I wonder what could have happened.
Again thanks to all. I am not too good at getting compliments but tried to do my best to respond to them. I don’t want this picture to deceive you, though, since I don’t look “this good” without make up and that’s one of the reasons I am here. I can’t keep up the image once I get into a relationship. Men fall in love with a facade that’s mostly artificial. Kind of the Wizard of Oz here. What a disillusionment!
I am so sleepy now I can barely type so I’ll catch you tomorrow. Wish you sweet dreams! You are starting to become more important than I ever thought possible. Lots of Love from me.
@black swan: I know but I like tiny body’s and big racks hehe. It’s the only thkng I don’t like about losing weight, 3weeks ago I was a 30F and now I’m a 30DD/30C iTs a little depressing 🙁
And I’m worried about jael, the last post I saw from her was saying she was playing Russian roulette on her own :S if you hear from her, can you let me know ? X
Jael posted yesterday on the forum.
I think your doctors are quacks because I can’t see any areas in need of ‘improvement’ here (unless you’ve chipped a nail that I can’t see from the photo). Ill bet every time you go in for a procedure, the doctors anaesthetise you, sit there and read a magazine for an hour, slap a bandage on you and charge your credit card. To add insult to injury, those bastards probably use your photos for promotional material. It’s robbery I say.
Wow! What a stunner.Why are you on SP.You must have a few guys chasing ya
After reading all the comments, I’m ashamed I share the same gender with some of the guys here…
@Christina, I just read your post and since the comments are off, I am going to post one on here. I also spend the days the same way you do. I hardly go outside. I’m sorry you lost your friend, not everyone can take other people’s depression but it’s a good thing you have us here. I too become disrespectful and bitchy at times with the people I know since I am angry at myself and I somehow have to let it out otherwise I’d be completely poisoned. I constantly carry I guilt trip cause I tread my mom like s*** and I blame her for everything when she’s sweetest most understanding person to me. Just like a lion roars when he’s hurt, we lash out to people. How about your family? Anyone you’re close to?
@s2419, I think you and I share the same taste. Don’t worry about losing weight up there. I won’t take credit for what you see on the pic since it was a doctor who put the there for me. Lol. You could do the same if you chose to in the future.
@One_day, “sit there reading magazines…” lol. Not so true, I’ve had to undergo body surgeries three times in my life thanks to that f**** medication called lithium. When I’ve wound up locked up in a ward, they love to push it on me and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. It makes me gain massive weight and destroys my skin. I’ve had to take Accutane after I get released. That was the case 7 months ago. I’ve done my nose twice as well and I find myself crying over the previous ones every so often, since some people tell me that it used to look better before and the people that say they like this one better, I can’t trust since they are afraid to drive me to suicide if they say the wrong thing. I don’t know, I stare at pictures over and over again and can’t decide but I know I’ll never be happy with myself since I wasn’t born beautiful and the “ugly or average complex” will never go away. I also look VERY DIFFERENT without make up, to the extreme that certain people don’t recognize me. This makes me insecure since I worry about how I’ll look in the morning without all my tricks. It’s still a pretty average girl the one I see in the mirror without all the decoration. It’s been a huge problem for me in relationships cause I am afraid they’ll be disappointed and some get disappointed for sure. I tell you this cause I don’t want to be a slave of the image I’ve created with that pic. I get enough of that in my everyday life and I want to be honest here.
@Noon, Thank you Noon. I am on SP precisely cause I am lonely as hell and can’t keep a boyfriend. I am very insecure and even though I attract men very easily, it’s impossible for me to keep the “enchantment” going. I’m a master of disguise and I fool people with my tricks.
@Connection closed by peer, Thank you :).
Value your lives. You can still live. Its when you can’t that you realise what you’ve lost. I don’t think I’ve ever said anything along those lines on this site before.
To call hers exquisite, in question more:
These happy masks that kiss fair ladies’ brows
Being black put us in mind they hide the fair;
He that is strucken blind cannot forget
The precious treasure of his eyesight lost:
Show me a mistress that is passing fair,
What doth her beauty serve, but as a note
Where I may read who pass’d that passing fair
@Duke, I am not sure I fully understand your comment. Are you saying that we realize what we’ve lost once we are no longer living? I think I am getting it wrong, right?
In other word’s you hot.
@Doonie, Wow! You’ve surprised me with such a beautiful poem. I love it. Is it yours?
Shakespeare’s.
@Donnie, Nice :). Thank you!
And your friend is to. 2 sexy girl’s.
I’m saying that you are a very beautiful woman that can comfortably live in this world with a little encouragement and I hope you get it.
The disparity between experiencing perfection and despair is a lot greater for me as I’ve taken a much steeper drop from which there is no recovery.
Your life might be crap by your own standards but it’s still good compared with everyone else. Mine far from meets my own standards and nor would it meet anyone else’s.
Hopes of a miracle have been dashed and without hope there is nothing
I’m curious why you say that, Duke.
The abyss is only as deep as we see it, since in reality we never see the bottom.
We only see things from our own perspective more like. Stephen Hawking is a very inspirational person. I wish I was more like that.
I bet he don’t.
@She Who was formerly known as Black Swan – Really, i can’t imagine what you could possibly want more of than you already have. People clearly find you physically attractive, you’re kind, friendly and intelligent. What more do you need? I’d say you’re at least 10 times a more desierable person to be around than any of the celebrities you idolize.
I’d bet that if you found someone to be with who could remind you of these things that all of your “problems” would dissapear. Am i right in thinking that?
Black swan: I’ll see how they look in a few months, and if the shrink below a C I am going to get very upset 🙁 and will have to have some work done x
@s2419
I spoke with Jael yesterday. She’s been keeping tabs on me. Lord knows, I need all the looking after I can get. Hope to talk to her today as well.
Hi Swan; I agree with your observation about people creating their own image of others they meet online. You’ll meet somebody, get to “know them”, and think you’ve got them figured out after a week or so. As time wears on, you peel back the layers and find out there’s more to them than what you originally thought.
This isn’t always a bad thing, although there is the possibility that they might turn out to be a stalker/creep/degenerate/whatever. You’ve revealed enough about yourself to lead me to believe that you’re a half way decent person. You don’t have to be perfect-nobody is. If you set unrealistic goals for yourself you’re bound to be disappointed. Hell, I thought I would be filthy rich by now. That hasn’t happened, and I’m ok with that.
Whatever. I wish you the best, grrl.
PS. They keep talking about this huge storm thats going to hit the East Coast. (On CNN) Are you worried about it? Is this the beginning of the end? Are the 2012 prophecies coming true? 🙂
Isaac: how have you been ?? I’ve been worried. And good is she ok ?
Lucy4: you know ‘yellow stone national park’ in America. It’s sceduald to errupt in December, but it might not. It happens about every 62,0000 years, they think it’s what killed the dino’s and it will kill everyone in America, cause a huge ash cloud to cover the planet and plummit us all into darkness and everyone else will die of starvation. It might not happen tho.
Hi s2419; Yeah, I’ve heard that too. Human beings are pretty insignificant compared to Mother Nature. We think we’re so advanced, (and we are compared to where we were at 100 years ago), but all it takes is one good natural disaster to let us know how tiny we are in the grand scheme of things. Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, comets colliding with Earth….bring it on. 🙂 I’ll be sitting here with a 12 pack of beer and three unopened packs of smokes.
@s
Physically, I’m really struggling with the Effexor discontinuation effects. I’ve likened it to being forced to experience a re-run of being drunk while having the flu. But believing that it will pass helps keep me going.
Jael’s a real trooper and another really good person. I’m sure she’s glad to know you care.
General Observation:
I’m not surprised at all that the pictures we paint of ourselves are always so drastically horrid, while actual photos show something completely different. Self-loathing has often been a disease of the mind and of the eyes.
I often wonder how many opportunities to meet wonderful people I’ve squandered in the past by being too scared to ask a woman out because she was too beautiful for me, and now I begin wondering if she felt about herself as so many here do about their own looks. There are so many beautiful souls here. I’m grateful to have met you. Turns out, the internet is good for something after all.
As I’ve gotten older (and hopefully matured) I’ve learned that everyone deserves to be known by what they love most about themselves. For those of us here, we deserve to be known by what we can’t accept is lovable about ourselves, but still manages to shine through anyway.
I hope you’ll be better soon 🙂
@Duke, Like Jjgirl, I am also curious about the “fall” you had and the reasons why there’s no possibility of recovery. I guess I’ll have to be patient cause I can see that you’re reluctant to revel much detail on the subject at the moment. I know the suffering that results from having high standards. I never thought I would end up doing such a job in my 30’s. My reality is very distant from the life once envisioned. I’ll soon again be trapped in a horrible environment that leads to self-destruction and loneliness. We’ll see how long I last before landing in a hospital. Right now, the miracle you talk about it’s my only hope out of this dungeon.
@Donnie, I admire Stephen Hawkins but I also doubt he’s too happy.
@s2419, Lol, it’s good to know that there are options out there just in case :).
@Scar, Yes, you’re right, if I found someone that could accept me just the way I am and love me, I’d probably be able to rest, enjoy life and have some peace. I may look good at times and be a nice person but there’s also my extreme bipolar condition and severe traumas to consider. The job that I will be back to doing is very unhealthy for me as I told you once. It’s hard to live a double life and to feel like a sex object. I will see if I can find something else to do but deep down I am reluctant since I am scared to make little money and also feel miserable. No way I am more desirable than a movie star, if I were, the men that are with me would stop “celebrating celebrities”. They are invincible since they are consider the Gods of the Olympus. The world would be a much better place without the examples and standard they set in our heads since we are teenagers.
@Lucy, I also thought I’d be rich by now, but in my personal case, it does hurt and consider myself a failure. When I got into a relationship with the guy I met online and moved all the way to Sweden to be with him, we soon discovered that we didn’t match the concept that we had of each other. I am not scared about this world ending. In fact, I fantasize about it. I am not in New York right now but I plan to be on the 21st of December when it’s all supposed to happen. Before landing back in Colombia, during my last manic episode, I thought I had been sent by God to save the souls at the end of times this year. Just so you get an idea of how f**** in the head I can be :O.
@Lucy, I also have no fear whatsoever of any apocalyptic idea. In fact, there’s a movie called: Melancholia in which supposedly another planet that had been hiding behind the sun hits earth and destroys it. I would take the inapt with absolute tranquility. I an not afraid of dying at all!
@Isaac, you’re right. I have observed thought life how self-esteem defeats looks, money and intelligence. Confident people are able to do wonders with what they were given. Confidence is more attractive than any other quality a person can posses. They get to appear more beautiful and smarter than they really are cause they believe in themselves so you end up believing it as well.
Lucy4: I’ve just noticed your comment and it sounds like a good way to go 🙂
Swan, come by chat sometime. I really would like to meet you.
(I’ve had a secret ‘person-crush’ on you since I’ve read all your posts and talked to you, and no not in a romantic or sexual way.) Oh, and before this post, too.
I like you for your spirit more than your looks. I’m crashing for today.
I hope the day is beautiful for you out.
@Jjgirl, I feel the same way about you! I’d like to know when exactly you’ll be in the chatroom so I can join you. I guess you’re now going to bed so sweet dreams. If you happen to wake up later, I’ll probably be here. x
I posted this yesterday, but for some reason it was marked as spam :/ anyway @Black Swan Well, even if you don’t think that people accept you please know that you are a good person. Weather you end up leaving this world or staying i hope you can come to realize that you are valuable. You have mental conditions such that you some times act a bit wacky–so what? People may not be willing to see beyond your surface but that doesn’t mean that their pressumptions are correct.
@Scar, thank you. I am a better person than some, but unfortunately, this world isn’t about being a good person. My bipolar swings are greater than anyone’s I’ve ever come in contact with or know about. I’ve seen the end of every relationship I’ve ever been involved in after “Eve”, “The Mother of this World”, “Zero”, “Jesuschrist’s Bride” or the “Holly Spirit” have taken complete control over me. I’ve said and done things sooo off the wall that I scare people! I once even landed in jail. What is the hardest perhaps, is having to start ALL OVER every time one of this mega episodes occurs.
I used to have my own furnished apartment in Manhattan and material things that had taken a lot of effort for me to me to get. Now all of that is gone. I will have to start from scratch. Will have to stay at a friend’s place who lives far from the city once I get back with literally not a single penny to my name. And if that weren’t enough stress; I’ll be lonely. What am I exactly fighting for? No clue!
🙁 Is it something you can treat? I’m sure you’ve spoken with a professional about it, but surely there is a way to control it.
I’ve been on sooo many medications since I was first diagnosed at 19. ECT treatments, psychiatrists, therapists… And I am one of those that DOES take her medication. The monster I carry inside could break free anytime again. Stress and instability trigger it and I’ll have plenty of that to deal with upon my arrival.
If you don’t mind me asking… why do people chose a time after the holidays taken that the holidays themselves are very depressing unless you have great company and various christmas plans to fill them with?
hi Swan,
Thank you for taking the time to look it up. Youre a sweet person. I do the same too. My mom is up there with yours to win the award for best mom in the world, yet I cant stop treating her like shit. I always overapologize to people but I can never manage to get one out of my mouth towards here. Its really awful/disgusting.
No Im not close with my family at all. But thats fine.
Don’t feel bad i didn’t take it that way. 🙂 Perhaps it’s because the day you leave will be one remembered each and every year, so it would be sad to make that day one that people hold as being special.
If stress and instability trigger these episodes then it would seem like the problem goes back to your self perception. Is that right?
Btw, i’m sorry you’re going to be alone this christmas. 🙁 at least you’ve got us, for what it’s worth.
@Scar, that’s a relief. I understand :(. The triggers are not only in my mind, in this case. Not having any money nor a place to live, hating the job and not being able to handle it, the anxiety, the uncertainly or what will happen, etc contribute to setting off a mania state, since my brain looks for ways to deal and cope with the situation in it’s on unique way. Nothing better than becoming some kind of powerful Supernatural being who God speaks to :O.
That must be tough on you; i wish i knew what to say. Maybe the next time you’re in communion with God you can ask him for a raise or something. I hope that you will be able to find a way to settle things down and abate that stress. 🙁 <3
Lol!. I don’t believe there’s a God, Scar.
@ Swan are you sure? There must be a god. How else can anyone explain how such a lovely and special person like you could come into existence in this messed up world?
I should really think of something better to say but that’s all I’ve got right now.
Maybe we can go on a cyber date some time; like a real date but no physical contact. We could do this through a cam but no weird stuff ok. Thanks.
@ Duke, where have you been? I’ve missed you.
Lovely thing to say but i am not that great and what they call “the work of God”, I attribute to the random accidents of this indifferent universe and millions of years of “evolution”. I haven’t been on web cam for the last year, but we could try it some time next week, if you’re around. I’m just in a weird mood right now and don’t want to be seen or visited by anyone. How does that sound?
I don’t actually have a webcam or a computer for that matter. I’m glad that you turned out to look as great as I imagined. Seeing what you looked like made my day because it was against all of the stereotypes people have of models. I mean you do not just look like one your in the supermodel category.
Every one gets old. That’s life. How do you think the others cope. Some older women look really glamorous when they get older. It’s important to look after yourself by staying young mentally.
You will need to reevaluate your outcomes and indicative behaviours. Your career is the the main thing I can think that’s causing you to feel depreciated. You have had lots of good experiences in the past, nothing lasts forever. It might allow you to become more fulfilled by exploring new places and developing new skills. For example there’s nothing stopping you from studying or finding a new career.
There are some psychological barriers that you will need to overcome in the meantime. That’s something you have to actually work on, you can’t just ignore it. Lots of multimillionaire businessmen have suicided. If they were given more time they probably would have found a reason to keep going. The difference in your case might be that there is an underlying mental condition that causes you to dwell and prevents you moving on.
Your appearance is the least of your worries. I have very high standards and you would comfortably make it onto my list 😉
This thread is still going!
@donnie, thankyou for that note from the Bard. It was lovely, and I think it fits the swan very well.
@swan, did you survive Sandy? I’m getting non-stop updates from new york via facebook… it’s sounding very hairy. Is the metro running yet?
Reading through this thread made me very sad. I know how hard it is to judge on appearance, because the reality is, in this catergory, there’s no such thing as ‘perfection’, because variety is the spice of life… yet we still strive for perfection.. it’s a no-win battle.
I’m not the beauty you are, so I’ve never been held up to such ridiculously high standards. But even being ‘averagely pretty’, I still feel the pressure, so for you I imagine it must be so much worse. I’m sorry. It’s not fair. That’s about all I can say about that.
I also look really different without makeup… and I know how hard it is to get used to a guy seeing you without makeup… but honestly… I’m sure you’re beautiful with or without, and guys don’t care! (the decent ones, anyway) Really, they don’t notice all your ‘tricks’. My male friend constantly rants about why girls care so much about shoes. ‘No one is looking at your fucking feet’, he says, and he’s actually a pretty superficial guy.
You’re obviously a beautiful person inside to have attracted a lot of admirers on this site before you even put your picture up – most guys care more about what’s inside than out. Honestly, I think you’d have an easier time finding love if you invested less time in being beautiful and more time just being you.
@ one_day you definitely make it onto my list. Definitely.
@duke: what list?
Girl you are gorgeous… And from the little bit that I’ve spoken to you you seem like a beautiful person inside aswell… A beautiful women with a beautiful soul x
My list of potential wives
Sheikh Mohammed has two wives. His senior wife with whom he has something like 10 kids is his first cousin which some might consider rather incestuous. His junior wife is princess Haya of Jordan. She’s about half his age and looks half decent. These arabs sure know how to live. Anyway, I’m thinking of adopting that approach, having a different wife to deal with each of my needs. So, you will have to consider what your good at and let me know.
@duke- most unromantic proposition ever. Not even engaged and yr already talking about bigamy.
@swan I just heard someone pulled a gun on someone for gas. Hope everything is ok…
Duke what happened to you? You vanished from ****** 🙁 hope your ok
@ one_day I know, I just you would be able to look past that. At least you don’t seem totally against it.
@ Pepper Hope you are ok too. I don’t hang around ******. There are too many conversation and it’s difficult to keep up with whats going on there.
@Pepperpep4, I am so glad you are here. I was really worried about you the other night cause you all of a sudden disappeared from Jjgirl’s chat after talking about what you were intending to do. I’ve been thinking about you ever since.
@Duke, you’re right. The job is what’s making my life hell. Just the thought of having to go back to that horrible reality, scares me so much that I am starting to fall apart completely. I always liked fashion and interior designing but I don’t have the constancy required to get a degree. Thank you for all your encouraging words. I do have SEVERE phycological barriers and an extreme bipolar tendency. God knows what will happen to me in the future.
I hope you get to live your life next to two different loving women like Sheikh Mohammed does. Thanks for considering One_day and I as worthy candidates :).
@One_day, I am not in NY yet. I will be traveling on the 18th. I am freaking out because the Accutane and a peeling cream I was taking to improve my skin complexion after the lithium, caused the skin underneath my eyes to become so thin and delicate that it got burned and stained after crying and putting ice on my eyes to lessen the swelling a few days ago. I’ve been to three different dermatologist and hopefully they will go away.
I am convinced that no man will ever love me. I feel disposable and that thought makes me suffer and want to hurt myself. I have so many regrets from past relationships that hunt me. I don’t want to age alone. What will become of me?
I miss you guys when you’re not around here. SP feels lonely without you. I am glad you are busy with your everyday activities, though. Hugs to you.
I don’t know anything about your job. As for being convinced that no man will ever love you, one_day and I were discussing making a pact whereby if neither of us get married within a certain timeframe then we would marry each other but instead she went behind my back and entered into a similar agreement with someone else. You seem like a worthy replacement, I will draft a written agreement and email it to you.
Oh and I think you could easily get a degree if you put your mind to it. When you really enjoy a topic then it becomes less exacting.
@Duke, Here’s a link so you can get an idea : http://www.nysapphire.com/index.html . The pact sounds good. Lol!. It take FOUR years to get a degree :O. I can’t even foresee anything past 2013.
Your better than that
@duke I did not go ‘behind your back’ to enter an agreement with someone else. I delved deep into my memory and found that I had a similar standing arrangement with a friend that we made 10 years ago. (At the time of making the pact we agreed on the age of 30 to execute said plan… we’ve now pushed that age to 50.) Anyway, I’m yours for a european visa, you’ve always known that.
@swan I’ve heard terrible things about accutane. I hope you take care…
The fear of aging alone only really struck me 2 years ago. Previous to that I didn’t used to think too much about the future or aging or anything. But I take my aunty in paris as a role model… she was married 2 or 3 times, none of them worked out (think it was mostly visa issues why she married), she’s been single since I’ve known her and it now something like 60 ish, an english expat living in paris with 3 friends, also all single and senior citizens, from italy, USA and france. They are hilarious, 4 rebellious old ladies who often get drunk and make obscene comments on my facebook page. The thought of them comforts me, because I feel like ‘alone’ as in, single, doesn’t always have to mean ‘alone’ as in, friendless. But, as I said before, I think you could find a contender if you just stop being so hard on yourself!
@ one_day why on earth would you want a European Visa? Really, you would marry me for one of those. That’s so degrading. I feel used and manipulated by you and your sinister plot. I thought you loved me but I was wrong. Farewell.
@duke, i have no access to return to the part of the world I love. The UK put a freeze on all new visa applications since the GFC. The only visa catorgories still open are spouse and student visas. And I can’t afford to study there as foreign students pay 4 times the fees.
You shouldn’t feel used or degraded… well… to be honest, I consider the institution of marrige to be an entirely degrading process anyway… at least I’m being upfront and honest about it. I prefer to think of it as a friendly favour.
@duke being forced to remain in the country I despise last year was one of the catalysts for me seeking out suicide. It really would help quite a bit.
I always thought of you as a bit of a cosmopolitan but you’d really want to move back here permanently.
I’ve now decided that we shouldn’t get married. I’ve encountered women like you before and things aren’t going to work out.
I’m sorry
@duke yes I want to move back there permanantly. A stones throw from the Louvre and greek islands. Australia is a beautiful country but it is culturally stagnating and isolated. I am a real misfit here. I am ‘weird’. Europe is a bit more openminded. There, I am ‘quirky’.
And what exactly do you mean ‘women like me’? That sounds awfully reductive.
Never-mind.
Maybe we can meet in the middle somewhere. But like with anything in this world, the place that you reside, wherever that may be, becomes much better when you’ve got lots of money.
The economic situation here is much better than where you are. I can also justify charging a lot more here, because I have more of an established reputation here. But money in the end has never made much difference to my happiness. When I remember back to when I was living in London, I was always skint, but there was always fun to be had and things to do that didn’t require a lot of money.
I wish I knew what those things were. Do you think you would be able to show me?
Anyway, water in the northern hemisphere swirls anti-clockwise. What if it causes you to become disorientated and messes your brain up. Do you really think that’s a risk you should be taking in these circumstances.
@duke: it would by ‘using’ if I tricked you into marriage under the guise of being in love. I would never do that. I am being completely open and transparent about my motivations and intentions. Marriage, to me, is a legal process that entitles people to shared finances and citizenship. Beyond that, it is of little use, since it’s these days perfectly acceptable to live together with your partner and not have to bother with marriage. I know you see marriage as something different, which is why I wouldn’t go there with you, I was only joking. I respect how you chose to view marriage as some kind of sacred oath representing love. I don’t agree, but I still respect you right to believe whatever want, so don’t you DARE impose your judgements on me.
Yes I can show you many things that don’t require money, it’s about the people more than anything else. The best parties are private invite, theres always art shows going on somewhere for free.
Hm, so not my type~