I am numb, empty and very lonely. I have no friends, no company at all, my phone never rings. I am constantly disrespected by everyone I know. I sit in my room daily staring at the walls. I have tried to find employment and even sold everything I owned to go west with my education and employment experience and couldn’t find work. I came back for a potential job that just happened to call while I was away, got the interview as a boss over engineers and now, I can’t get there because I recently wrecked my car from a deer and have no transportation and no friends or family that can help me. My utilities are slowly getting shut off. I have three kids and a husband, and only my youngest likes me. My oldest resorted to drugs and is now going to quit college and football to come back to the worse place in the nation (ranked for the second year in a row) and has been very violent with me and cusses me all the time. My daughter, who up and ran away, tells people I abuse her. My life is my kids, and gladly so, but anything I try to do goes to crap. I coached, got the team all the way to regionals and some threw the game because their moms stole from fundraising and they wanted to get their vacation in before school started the following week. No one stands up for me, barely anyone will make eye contact with me. I feel I must ruin my children and now, I got this gorgeous 7 yr old boy with big brown eyes, who just last week was telling me I was the best mommy ever and I am terrified I am going to ruin this child. I am almost 39 and I feel like I have no future. I am intelligent and willing to work, but everyone is on me about getting a job as a way of making fun of me. Even my kids belittle me with it. I have tried to look for work and can give you the infinite amount of stupid excuses I have heard from east to west. It is like everything I touch turns to crap. I have now isolated myself in the house again, hidden in my bedroom, crying my eyes out and feeling like I have no control over my life. I just feel like things would be better for everyone if I were not here. People just avoid me, teenagers cuss me, the school won’t even return my calls about my 4.0 student. I have no dreams or goals anymore and feel that life is already over, so why not make it over.
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Because you have a “gorgeous 7 yr old boy with big brown eyes”He loves you, and as long as you want the best for him, the honest, real, worthwhile stuff, you already are the best mommy you can ever be. the best mommy he’ll ever have.We’re all human. We make mistakes. We all fall. Just make sure you get back up. If not for yourself, for him.You can.You will.and you have people who can help when it seems like too much.
Alot of people are finding hard to finding employment. Not just you. I think you feel better when you find a job. But could take a long time.
I just wanted to say I hear you, and hear how crappy your day to day reality must be. I don’t have kids but have always had a lot of nurturing and compassionate qualities that clearly the world finds useless. You sound like a kind person and sometimes kind people get knocked around. Sorry that you don’t even feel supported in your own family. Things are horrible for young people (teens, early 20’s) in the sense that there is no work for them either–just to say that their behavior may not have anything to do with you or the love you’ve given them. I used to teach college and high school and a lot of kids feel hopeless about what to do with their skills, just as we do.
I have no work either and feel humiliated daily. I have some highly successful friends but they are slowly dropping off. My oldest friend of nearly 25 years has stopped talking to me for no reason. I never talk to her about being suicidal or even being depressed. I try to be as little of a burden as possible on others.
The not having a role in society problem takes a toll. Everyone needs to feel that they play a part, to have a reason to get out of bed each day. Even ants have more of a role than I do right now!
You’re not alone in the moment–you have me if you want to chat. I am 42 and know that weariness accumulates with age; it does not get any easier to bear.
I had a job interview yesterday that i spent two days trying to find transportation because I just recently wrecked my car hitting a deer. No one would give me a ride and my sister in law wouldn’t even let me borrow her car. I was too embarrassed to contact the recruiter to tell him, especially after I worked on this for a week and a half. It was just the other day that I hit the deer. My husband is out of town and I believe we are headed for divorce. I can’t say I really care at this point because all he does is give me hell and make me feel like a loser. I cried all day, have been laying in the bed for days now. My phone is shut off and my electric and internet will be soon. I don’t know what else to do. I have exhausted all means of making my life better.