i’m 15 years old. my name is Jessica. im a sophomore. Ever since high school started i’ve lost completley EVERYTHING and EVERYONE i ever had. i’m not skinny, and i’m not rich. no where near either of those. i have glasses. im not a nerd. so overall, im basically a useless, pointless piece of lard ! >.> or at least thats what i feel like. ive been depressed for a few years. nobody really gets me. no one understands me. i got a little better for some time, and then last year, my freshman year, i just went through way to much shit for myself. im lonely , Â i have no friends at all. nobody i could have talked to. my school “bullying policy” means absolutley nothing.
talking to the school guidance doesnt help shit. they dont understand anything now a days that we go through. everyone at my school are *****’s and assholes. i used to cut, then i stopped… then i burned myself. and i have so many scars :/ then i wrote. i have 15 notebooks from ONE summer! intense huh !? 🙁 and since high school, writing DOESNT help me anymore. i used to want to kill my self all the time…i dont really want to kill myself now, its more of a i dont give a fuck what happens to me thing ! i always say things like “i hate my life” “i wanna die” ” i wish id drop dead” and honestly, i think i 100% mean it. i figure, if i was dead, i wouldnt be a bother to anyone. i wouldnt be annoying this douche bag of a guy i got attatched to (thats another thing..) i wouldnt be a waste of space. i wouldnt ***** about being uncomfortable in every piece of clothing i have. id save my parents some money, considering they have five kids and we all live together. ive tried so many times, to lose weight and i dont. :'( and its not fair. people think im some lazy fuck just because im over weight… when i try so much! and i dont eat alot at all…. ill start starving myself. or making myself throw up. those seem like they would work.
so, heres the cause of my depression this past last year and this year…..
i was a freshman last year. as i said before. and some junior decided to talk to me. and i fall for guys that treat me goood, pretty damn quick. im used to being treated like shit so when im not , i kinda enjoy it! :l after a while, i ended up liking this kid.. and he found out. ever sense he found out, he was starting to be perverted, and like a typical girl i went along with it. now this kid lives five minutes away from me… we never hung out.. because nobody could know we talked… what the fuck !? asked me how tall i was, i told him and he was like oo good height .,….. (him being sexual)  he asked me to hang out, and i said NO because i know what you want. and HE FLIPPED OUT ON ME!! he said ” you message me all the time  but dont wanna hang ?!?” and i explained to him, you only wanna hang because you think ill do what you want. he told me itd be awkward if we just sat around… oh so your telling me, us doing shit during the first time hanging out will help the awkwardness? NO. oh so your telling me, everytime you hang out with a girl you get in their pants and what not? OKAY ! I DONT WANT THAT. . . then he ened up saying “YOU LIKE ME AND I FIGURE ID TRY TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND DO THIS STUFF AND YOU SAY NO SORRY IM A DOUCHE FOR IT” yes, i DO like you, doesnt mean i wanna do shit with you ! ill just get more attatched. and ill tell you now IM SO GLAD shit didnt happpen between us.. i would be so much more attached ! its been a year, we havent talked for quite some time. and i still miss him. i still like him so much. how ? why? why? WHY!  ive been told a few times by some friends he was talking to them trying to do shit ! and they didnt know we talked. i freaked out.. i messaged him and showed him EVERYTHING he lied to me about. he doesnt think hes an asshole. typical guy . he doesnt give a shit what he caused for me.  today in school , my” friend” told me if ____________ comes in im hugging him ! and i was like WTF ! HELL NO !! and i explained to her… and she likes him….. you dont know how much that KILLED me!! :'(  i explained to her. and tonight im showing her everything!!! she told me before he has been acting different with her. yeah he probably knows she likes him and hes gonna try shit with her. i just REALLY hope she listens to me!! if she doesnt,.., IM DONE with this bullshit !! i wanna cut so badly lately. 🙁 i wish i could be better then what i am right now. i want to change myself before he graduates this year. i want him to see me HAPPY , and looking GOOD. i want him to hate himself for what he caused. i want him to be upset he let me go like this. will he ever? no of course not, he never liked me. im used to being used. im used to absolute bullshit . i just wanna smoke so much. make myself feel good for once. im trying so hard not to cry right now. crying isnt good for me… i do bad things….
*i used to have an account on this from 6-7th grade im not sure, and i wrote something on here, i wish i remembered the account/email 🙁 but i looked for this specific website so i could vent and maybe get some advice or make a friend and save somebody from ruining their life like i did mine !! if anyone ever needs to talk im always here ! “
14 comments
Is this a book.?
Dont off your self.
uhmm………. no…………………………………………
was your fist comment supposed to come off offensive.. ?
Can like tell it short.
actually no, i cant make all of this shorter. i like to explain . i cant just say “hate my life” then you dont know why. this EXPLAINS. which is why its long…………..
in regards to your weight, I’ve talked to someone who’s taking courses on nutrition/physical therapy, etc. and she said that starving yourself doesn’t actually burn the fat you want, it reduces your muscle mass, causes malnutrition, reduces your immune system so you get sick more often, and later in life can cause conditions like osteoporosis (sorry for the spelling if it’s off). I’ve been struggling with my weight for a couple years now, and I actually lose more weight when I’m not exercising because I focus more on portion control. I know you said you don’t eat a lot, but what you eat can also play a huge factor. If you eat foods with high sodium, carbs, fat, etc, you likely won’t lose the weight you want. If you’re on medication for depression, some prescriptions cause you to gain weight. Also, it’s possible your metabolism isn’t working right, and maybe you’re doctor can give you some tips.
as to that guy, I can’t say I have a lot of experience, but if you’re interested in my opinion, I’d say he isn’t worth a thought in your brain. It’s good that you warned your friends, but you can’t always make them listen to you. Not letting his shit get to you is the best way you can spit in his face.
thank you for that advice ^^ thats what im looking for! every bit helps !
First off. I want to be honest and admit I didn’t read the whole post.
But reading the comments I want to add to luckystar’s post.
Not eating actually causes you body to go into “starvation mode”. Your body slows it’s metabolism, lowers “system function” and stores what little you do eat. You can actually have GAINS. Eating a little bit at a time, spread out during the day, “grazing”, is the best method. A good breakfast or as it’s meaning “to break your fast”, starts off your energy and kicks your metabolism into gear. You will actually find you feel hungry more often, because your body has realized that it will be fed, so it will burn the fuel.
Eating regularly will also help elevate your mood. At one point my family made sure I ate regularly, medicinally almost, and I found I felt a lot better most of the time, there were still bad days though.
Hi, Jessia. Man, just reading your post made me so angry at that boy! I’m 22 and, unfortunately, still meeting boys like that. But you know what? There are girls like that too. It isn’t so much that guys suck and girls don’t; it’s that some people are assholes and others aren’t. And although I am a lot like you and I hold on to people who have hurt me, every once in a while I have these moments of clarity and I think to myself “Why the FUCK am I holding on to these people? I would never do to them what their doing to me, so why not go out and find people who are nice like I am?” It’s not easy, though. The sad truth is that most people in this world are fucked up pretty good and they like to take their anger out on others, so it might take a while to find the good people. But I have faith that they’re out there. After all, if I’m a nice person then there’s got to be at least one other person like me!Well, I just thought I would let you know that I was really touched reading your post. We sound very similar and it’s good to know that I’m not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself, take deep breaths, and always remember that even if everyone around you is being an asshole YOU can be good to yourself and to others. I know this all sounds pretty corny and I don’t always believe it myself, but these are some of the things I’ve learned. Whenever I feel crazy, like I have no control over my situation and I want to cut myself, I stop, take a deep breathe, and say to myself “no matter where I am or what I’m doing, I am always OK.” It doesn’t make the situation go away, but it helps. 🙂 Hopefully this gives you some comfort, Jessica, and I wasn’t totally annoying. You sound like a great girl. Don’t give up.SP.S. You might try writing poetry for those times when you REALLY want to cut. You don’t have to show it to anyone else or even make it sound good or make sense. Just get your feelings out (and you could even scream the words as your writing them). I know this makes me feel better sometimes.
From reading your post you just lack confidence it seems. As far as your weight just work out frequently and don’t eat too much salt and sugar. The pounds won’t fall of but eating healthier will make you feel better and slowly you’ll see a change in how your clothes fit. As for this guy you like…Fuck him. Go talk to other guys, that will help you forget him. And even if all a guy wants to do is get in your pants doesn’t mean you have to let him. IF someone tries to do something sexual that you don’t like all you have to say is no. If they keep going that is a felony for sexual assault and besides, why would you want to be with a guy who doesn’t appreciate things you think are important? like not jumping into bed right away. It can be hard to forget about someone you like but just try to ignore him and even your friend if she is into him. Constantly thinking about him won’t make your feelings change anytime soon
Slowed myself down and read the whole post, and I have to say, guys like that make me hate being male. He’s a piece of shit, and you’re strong and smart for ditching him. I know it’s going to suck for a while, but there will be many more guys, and some of them will actually be worth something..
I think, as much as you want to improve, doing it to prove something to him is the wrong reason. You have to want to improve for you. You’re worth it. Best of luck.. please stay safe.
thanks guys ^^ 🙂
Hey Jess. I want you to know that sophomore year was my worst for different reasons than yours, but none-the less life has gotten a lot better. I’m almost 30 now and I have my doubts, but am hopeful that my life will be even better in my 30s. Life usually does get better for most. I wish you luck on finding a weight loss program that works for you, and in the mean time I would like you not to bad mouth yourself. I can’t say what works for you, nor can you unless you try some strategies, but one thought I have of something you could do is when you start feeling worthless, to say out loud, “I am useful, because I choose to be.” You never know. You just might grow to believe it.