Ok i know this is long but can you PLEASE jusr read all of this and shoot me a comment? It doesnt have to be life changing or anything i just wanna be heard but i do prefer life hanging comments. Well jeres my awkward story. It probably doesnt make mucH sense but whatever.please help me.
It all just hurts. Ive been ignoring my depression for a long time and ive felt empty which is definitely better than depression. But then i heard one of my friends attempted suicide. I wanted to help, but when i got back into talking about it it was like i just opened Pandora’s box.i just wanted to die again. I would do anything. I love no one and no one loves me. One of my friends said i acted depressed for attention and i said she was right because thats all i needed. Attention. My family is some black hole of hypocrisy. They never say anything to my lil bro or sis cuz theyre ‘smaller’. Well im smaller on the inside. Theyre in elementary: they still have the comfort bubble. But you watch they will get chewed up and spit out in middle school too and when they get to high shool they will be as messed up as me.my parents had an areanged marriage so they fight a lot. My mom gets mad easily and then she takes it out on everyone in a hurtful cussing spree. Shes gotten so good at it she knows how to hurt people. Then my dad annoys her on purpose i dont know why. Hes just a different human being. Almost a demon. He eggs her on, saying everything that gets under her skin and it just makes her mad and she screams some more. My dad says he does it because when people are mad the truth comes out but when he says stuff when hes mad, he cools off after and says that it wasnt really how he felt he was just mad. I cant live in this hell hole its just too much i can practically see the evil auras swirling around in my house. I hate my sis but my bro is cool. Except when he hangs too much with my sis and acts like her but when he isnt influenced by others (like my dad tries to answer our opinions for us “oh you dont really wanna do this do you?” “you dont really want this do you?” ) an i try to get out of the house but dad feels like its “unneccessary” to hang out with friends. He is the biggest hypocrite he says one thing and does another and it confuses me i feel like im not alive. Ive been running from my depression and keeping my head down but now stupid me i looked back and my fairytale world i thought might happen one day now seems like it would be so fake if it ever did happen. I wanna be one person but my parents want me to be another and its not as easy as “oh just ignore them” because theyve been feeding ideas into my head (mostly my dad) ever since i was a kid so i havent been able to grow up into the person i wanted to be. I dont know who i am because theyve influenced me into this patchwork person who is whishy washy and evaluates every decision to see if its really mine or my dad’s but i cant tell the difference. I dont even mnow what i stamd for anymore. Im beyond repair and i dont understand why this happened to me. Ive been put into this fake world of happy people that i dont belong in. I never get out of the house so i cant talk to people and i used to be a social butterfly back in elementary but i dont even remember who i used to be that much anymore. I know im venting but i dont understand anything and after my dad psychologically messing up any chance of individuality i might have i just want to understand. I ask why to everything. Why am i feeling this way? Why do i have to do this? i never did this before? Why did i have to have arranged marriage parents that dont love each other? I dont even no what love is because ive never seen it. Guys dont like me like that. ive never had a bf. i just cant find guys that like me for me but how could they if i dont even know who me is? I have this feeling in my stomach that i will be forever alone because why would god do this to me unless he wants to be alone? God must be sadistic to make this world of ignorant people. Thats the only way you can escape depression it seems is to be ignorant. I went to school and asked the counselor but apparently they dont deal with stuff like this wtf?! And this was after trying to talk to my parents which i dont even practically have a relationship with them i just need them to survive (not that i want to, if i had a surefire way to die i wouldnt be here) otherwise i would never be staying with these crazy bitches! And what am i supposed to do if my parents say i dont need a psychologist and i get mad and they say i dont take criticism well? They have turned my life into a puddle that i dont understand. I want to get hold of a psychologist but i have no money (my parents wont let me babysit even though they sent me to a class apperently to babysit my siblings: again wtf?!) and so my parents wont get me a psychologist but i just cant live like  this. I have no passion i used to love reading books because they took me to a faraway land but i just cant anymore because i just end up wish life was like that. Im taking all advanced classes so i do homework til late at night so i dont have much time for sleep but that is all i want because i have the best exciting dreams almost like im actually living them! Its like the people in my dreams actually love me and i grew up with diff parents so i actually had a sense of me and i wasnt so messed up. Id rather have fake dream friends than live this life. I just KNOW that i need a psychiatrist and antidepressants and shit but how can i get it? My parents know where i am 24/7 and my friends think im crazy i have no one to talk to and it took me forever to figure out that what was wrong was my family. How can i fight the evil if i live with it everyday? I dont know how to fight this and i have no motivation to, either. Everytime i try to have a relationship with someone its too hard cuz they like someone else or dont like me  and my parents are against me dating anyone til i finish COLLEGE and read all my texts always so i cant have flirty texts with anyone and take my phone for no reason to be nosy. They would read my diary of i had one and they alway invade my privacy. They dont even knock they always barge into my room. I am always paranoid that my parents will find something they dont like when theyre snooping and get me for it. They know EVERYTHING i do and it drives me into paranoia. According to an online test, I am in severe depression which i already knew but i dont know how to get help?! Im just so stuck and helpless. I want to get out but have no one to talk to and no passion. Im just existing not living. My parents play mind games with me and have messed up my brain it was fine first i was getting straight A’s and everything. I was pretty popular (as much as someone who can barely hang out with people and NEVER allowed to have sleepovers) .My parent say they do this stuff for my best interest, so my brain is so messed up. I just wanted a good relationship with a guy that lasted my whole life. Like to see that love teally exists but if a guy i liked liked me back now i wouldnt want him because he wouldnt know who i am. I dont evem know who i am! I cant fight and all i want are answers. Maybe answers can keep me going. Why does the world exist? Why is there pain? Why is god so evil and if you say hes not then why would he let this happen to us? Why cant my parents be more open instead of messing me and my siblings up? Why should i keep living? Im not even making a difference and would be surprised if you were still reading this because im just so worthless. I dont hate myself even if it seems like that i hate my dad for doing this to me.  My mom would be nice if she was allowed to have true love then she wouldnt have had such a bad life being with my dad. They would never divorce though. I dont know why. I would if i was my mom. My dad has just messed up my whole family. He doesnt drink or anything he gets sick when he drinks. I dont know why hes so evil. Im afraid to have kids cuz i might mess them up the way my dad messed me up. Ugh I just want to be done. Please help me i just want someone to help me….. Because i cant help myself if i dont even know who i am.
Please shoot me a comment about something. Anything you think might help. Put it even if youre unsure you should comment it because i meed every idea i can get. Thank you and have a great day!
14 comments
Hello, a lot of the questions u want to know the answers to take a long to to investigate, i am 52 and still search for them, all i can suggest is try to focus on a few essential things for now, what do u have to deal with now, all the other questions about why we are here etc ect, must and can wait till later down the road, just try to focus on the must deal with things for now, i’m sure much more helpful comments will come from some of the great regulars that are on this site……
learn from your parents mistakes. you don’t need a relationship now, you have all your life and i found that if you stop looking, the person comes to you. but when they do it will be scary, fluent, and beautiful. good luck to you, i think everything will get better.
Ok thank you guys for commenting On my post. It makes me feel like someone can hear me. I feel so much better that i have some input now. Thank you!
If anyone else has any comments i would also like to hear them. Thank you!
Can I ask you a personal question?
Um ok i can’t be sure i have the answer though
It was just your name sounded familiar to me. Nothing unusual.
Yes, I’ve now actually read your story, please can you email me. Won’t judge or be mean I promise. I will change reveal my proper email address in my next comment. Ok.
< this is my email. You can see it in the comments section. It's up to you whether you email me. I wouldn't have asked unless it was important to me.
Ok i emailed you
Not received anything
Just enail me at funandgiggling@gmail.com
< this one works too, I just don't check it as often
Ok