It would be nice if it went away forever. There would be no me to even appreciate that it had ceased. I no longer want to care about being enough for them. No longer want to care that they always manage to come out on top and its like I am cursed to play out this pattern time in, time out. Even when I dont like them that much at first, I still get attached, and they lose interest, and then find something better. I no longer want to try and figure out why this is happening to me. I no longer want to find a spiritual path to put this into perspective. I no longer want to miss all of these guys who could not give a shit. I no longer want to contemplate any tragic flaws. Contemplate any losing myself in the presence of other people who suck my life energy away. Fight for this sputtering flame. The worst is the struggle. If you let it go completely, there is no more bartering. I just dont want any of it anymore.
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I understand. Look into yourself. You have your own secret; it’s within you, not outside you. If you don’t know how, I understand that too. It’s difficult when you have no frame of reference for your seeking. I too have wanted obliteration. But I haven’t found it yet.
You are a special new kind of human, a pioneer in a strange world. I hope for you that you find your way. If you don’t, I understand.
Thank you vedura. your words resonate. i know that it is within–the key to turn everything soft and ok. The navigator just gets really hurt sometimes.