I really don’t know why I’m even writing this, maybe because I just can’t keep this to me anymore. It’s Friday and almost 5 AM, and here I am, on the computer while tears go down my face. I’m 15, and I just feel that I don’t belong in this world. I really never felt like fitting in. I look up at my friends and they’re either dumbasses or fucktards. This summer I tought I found a friend with who I could talk about everything, but less than a week than telling him that I had a crush on a girl we both knew, he tried getting her. I’ve lately been think about stabbing him, but that would made no sense. However, this year I moved to another school, trying to escape my past, trying to get away from the people who knew me, trying to be no one in a new place. Almost everytime I remember anything about my life I end up wanting to kill myself. I’m a lonely guy, not because I can’t make friends but cause I don’t want new friends. It may sound like a cliche, but I’m starting to think that no one can understand me. It hasn’t been always like this. I was a happy kid, my life was really nice when I was a child. Sometimes I wish I could be 8 years old again. When I was 13 I was a ridiculous fatty dreaming kid, but I didn’t gave a fuck. I really didn’t notice that I was ridiculous, so I had no real shit in my mind. Everything would change shortly, of course. Less than a year later, I became a sad guy who always dressed black, and I was skinny as fuck. I remember a girl asking me if I could tell her how to be that skinny so she could look better. She was skinnier than me at that time, and still is. Dumb *****. There’s a girl in my new school that I can’t stop looking at. She’s beautiful, I don’t know what exactly makes me mad about her but.. I never talked to her, and I don’t know if I will ever will.
Anyways, here I am. I’m 15 now and I feel alone. I’m smarter than anyone I know. School is really easy for me, but I don’t get great grades. Why? I don’t even bother at reading what’s going for tomorrow’s exam, and so. Only one thing motivated me to study sometimes, and It was the chance to get a better guitar. Music is everything for me. I’ve been playing guitar for 1 year now, and starting playing was probably the best decission I’ve ever made.
However, that’s it. Everytime I’ve been kind to anyone they fucked me. I feel like I did nothing in my life, and that I will do nothing. I tought so many times about joining the Army, but I don’t know if I will be able to wait 3 years.
I’m sorry if this shit is too messy to make any sense. English is my 3d language, but I did my best at writing this.
It was 4:54 when I started writing, and it’s now 5:29. Dry tears lay on my cheeks. I just needed to talk to someone right now. I only want to kiss her before this gets over me and I do something stupid. I feel sick. I’m full of sadness, and hate for this world. May you have a better day than I had.
3 comments
You write very well in English :). I feel sad when I picture tears going down your face. People
“fail” us all the time but sometimes it is because we expect too much from them. I know this sounds cliche but do wait to see what the future holds for you are still really young and things usually change. My life drastically changed when I was in my 20’s for the better. If it bothers you that you are skinny, there are some shakes out there that can help you gain weight. I hope you get that girl you like so much. But I assure you, whatever happens, she won’t be the last. Good luck and keep on posting.
Its okay.I know you’ve heard that phrase a million times,but it truly is.I am a girl so I can give you some advice.First,whenever the girl drops something,such as a pencil, bend down to pick it up but act quickly so she won’t get it first,then you’ll be noticed.Calmly and politely give the item back to her.After this act you may speak to her every so often.I suggest every two to three days maybe.After about two weeks of doing this you should probably ask for her name and you tell her yours.This will start a relationship between you and her.If you want to gain weight its easy,just eat things that are high in fat and calories.I hate to hear that you are crying but you have a purpose in life ,you just have to find it and trust me you will.;D
Thank you two for your kind words. I promised myself to talk to her some day, and I hope I don’t fail myself. I don’t think I’m as screwed as other people in this page, but I just felt like posting my shit somewhere. Again, thanks for your caring. I’ll try to look to the future with a smile in my face, it will be hard though.