murder by suicide

buried it for too long.

never have been happy.

feel like the only reason to live is for love.

but all i find is bitches with no morals who want to treat me like sex object.

depressed.

bribed.  given gifts, all i want.  free money.  no rules.  no obligations.  no alarm clock to punch.

any hobby or interest…  given all i need.  but then suddenly am not interested in it anymore.

reduced to waking up.  checking email to see if any far away strangers that i desperately call my friends have written to me.

then have not.

they dont care anyways.  they offer b.s words tho they cant spare more than a moment and im on my own.

tricked by a long time “friend”.  gave up chances, missed opportunities to meet new people, potential chances at love.

lost.  because i stupidly beleived in the words of a far away girl.  who seems now many years later, to have been full of shit the entire time.  lying to me.  keeping me from making friends.  while she went aroudn and dated men and was intimate with them, all while making me think she was waiting to be with me.  thinking i had found my true love.

finding out she is incapable of real emotions.  a psycho with no heart.

for so long now i have been reduced to waiting for her to say the magic words ive waited forever to have soemone say to me.  instead she calls me stupid and insults me and says she hates me, righ ton the day of my grandmothers funeral.  to which i couldnt even go.  because i cant get off the floor or stop crying and a funeral is sad enough already with otu me crawling on the floor in a puddle of tears.

given up on all my interests and passions.  the final bribes ive been gifted are just  a television to rot in front of and to distract me from killing myself.

all the new video games anyone who likes games could hope for.

bored of them in 5 minutes.

no moer can bribes distract me not for one single momemt.  every breath is torture.  every blink of my dripping eyes.

given anythign in the world.  except the one simplest thing that anyone should want and need.

but now i am too old.  humiliated.

for having wasted my life on a person a million miles away who is a whore after all.

and now.  i have no will to start again.  no hope to find someoen my age who is not a divorced single mom, or filthy slutty whore.  or just plain damaged goods.  and anyoen fit to marry would have been by this age and going to swinger bars. the ones who are single are more messed up than me and no one wants them including me.

i dont care if this makes me sound like an ass.

if i dont deserve love.  then i dont deserve life.  and no one deserves to hurt me any more.