This is just a glance into my life so far, long story short.
My parents left me at age 4. I remember them a little, what they looked like, their names. I am not sure what happened to them at that time. No one spoke about it. I don’t remember asking really. I was passed around to friends of theirs that would help take me in.
Eventually I was raised by a single male family friend from around the age of 6 on. I haven’t seen my parents since the age of 4. The male friend (I called dad) that raised me molested, raped, abused me, starved me, locked me up at times most of my life there. (I can’t go into much detail at the moment because of emotions here and now) I finally ran away about the age of 16 and lived on the street. I did what I could for money. I had to live. (again with the details)
I met someone that took me in. Helped me to get my life straight for almost a year. After that, I left and went out on my own. I had a job, money, a place to live. I was doing better for myself. Off drugs for the most part. I saved everything, my money, lived like I did before, when I was on the street. I did not need things like other people do. I had enough. I set out to do things that people dream of. I did numerous things. Dangerous things. I lived for that. For the rush, because I did not care if I died. I was given a shitty life and I was going to use it until it was my time. Things were easily accomplished with a batt of an eye and a cheesy little smile. I could talk my way into getting some things for free or very cheap. I have done skydiving, surfing, rock climbing, mountain climbing, base jumping, bungee jumping, buggy racing, oh my god, so many more things I could go on forever.
but moving along.
I tried looking for my parents recently with some help, only to find that they both died years ago. One of a drug overdose and one to suicide. I do not know of any siblings. I do not know any other family members nor would want to contact any.
Yes, you could say my head is a bit fucked up now from the life I was given. I only became more suicidal lately where it could actually become a reality. Maybe from finding out that about my parents. Maybe from reading so many stories of pain and hurt and realizing that my life was not supposed to be that way. I’m not sure, sorry I am rambling now. I do not mind questions about my life, but understand some maybe hard to answer.
151 comments
I just woke up and I’m glad to see that you are still here. It sounds like you’ve had a pretty exciting life. What part of the world did you grow up in, whereabouts do you live now?
hi mimito! I was waiting for you. Exciting, not really, but if you want to call it that. I grew up in New Mexico, Utah, Colorado and Oklahoma mostly. Moved around a lot. I live in Texas now. Not a soul in sight that I know.
Thank you for still being here. I’ve given myself a week. It helps to keep hearing from others like you who can keep going. Don’t know what else to say. Just wanted you to know that. The same goes for anyone else who reads this and is still here.
Jael I really feel for you, it’s hard to make it in this world, but when you’re totally alone it’s almost impossible. First off I agree with what some of the other people have been saying on your other post, if you have any doubt or reservation it is not time, and obviously you have some reservation. Second, the fact that the gun did not go off is defenatly a sign, it’s not your time just yet. Like I’ve said before, death is always there, life however is not. Once the lights go out that’s it, so stick around a while longer. I for one would like to hear more about you and your experiences in this world. From what I’ve read so far you are a survivor, resilient and strong. You would have to be t go through what you’ve experienced and still be here. The question is if suicide was absolutely not an option what would be the next step?
And by the way thank you for waiting for me. I was really concerned last night and relieved to wake up and see your posts
Your not real.? I lost my parents to when i wae very young. Social service steped in. I was put in to a foster care. I’m sure my parent’s had friend’s who wanted to take me in. Social service dont do that. And where was your social worker at.?
Eventually I was raised by a single male family friend. Bullshit.
Donnie if she is not real then who is typing these posts a robot?
Take it from me.
mimito Suicide not being an option, I would still live for the rush. Rush of escaping death. Thank you really mimito. I would like to talk to you too.
Donnie It is ok if you believe or not. I’m not here for that. Without really feeling the need to explain. He was my legal gardian. I don’t know paperwork that was done when I was younger. Like I said before I believe that I slipped through the cracks.
Do you mind if I dig a little bit? I’m trying to better understand your current situation. How are you getting bye these days? Food, shelter etc…..? Is there anyone in your life that you have contact with? What brought you to Texas?
mimito I work. My job pays okay. I have an efficiency apartment that is less than 300 a month. I have plenty that I need to live. I choose not to have contact with people for the most part. In person anyway. I have a different mind. I do not like many people I meet. I came to Texas a while back by bus and stayed in a shelter for about 8 months. They helped me get a job and on my feet again. I live a very meaningless life really.
Mimito you can message me here, but I am going to lay down for a little time. My head is hurting thinking.
By all means relax, you had a very stressful day/night. I’m around I don’t have much of a life at the present so I am available to talk to almost anytime, I would like to hear more when your up to it
Jael, just checking to see how your doing? Let me know if your around
Hi mimito. I’m doing ok. You?
Hello.
Hi Donnie. You must be bored. Here to make non sense?
I want to chat will you
Hi Scar504
Why Donnie? I’m really not up for you tonight.
So why you lie.?
I think you may. I’m not here to argue. Fight with someone else if that’s what you want.
I’m here, just fixed some food. Are you back at your place now?
Why.? Just dont do bullshit.
Hello, are things going well?
No not yet mimito. Check out is tomorrow.
Still got it. Your gun.?
Scar504 other than Donnie. I’m just writing and sketching, thinking, resting. You?
Of course donnie.
Of course what
Donnie if I didn’t know any better I think you are trying to drive me crazy, then kill myself. Are you always like this? You have nice things to say, but you stick your foot in your mouth a lot.
Just staring aimlessly into the computer screen reading, as usual. Are you drawing an image of what you think Donnie looks like being eaten by an alligator?
Good idea Scar504. I should.
I really wonder about Donnie, from reading his posts half the time his responses seem incoherent, Someone said it’s because he’s brain damaged from a suicide attempt, butim not sure if she was just kidding. Donnie what gives, how you get be such crazy bloke?
Mimito? If Donnie keeps this up I will probably not stay on. I wanted to chat with you though.
Read it. Top to bottom
Ok there you are. Yes, I read that too. I am not sure of his agenda here exactly.
I really think Donnie means well just has a weird way of showing it
Donnie is brit you have to understand him language.
Mimito would it be ok to email you instead? (Your email shows) it is ok if you would rather not.
Yes that would be fine, in fact I would really like that
jael. stay on. if you can. i don’t understand everyone here myself, but i’ve taken to checking in on you. i’m glad to see those who are struggling so much sharing with the rest of us who are struggling so much. thank you.
Scar504 I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. He’s alright, just not wanting to deal with some of his comments tonight.
Isaac thanks. I will still check in. Are you doing okay isaac?
Hello
Where you your social worker at.?
Cat got the bullshit
I really want to talk with you.
good enough for tonight, thanks for asking. i’ll know better where I’m at by the end of the weekend. the days are torture, but i have enough meds to get me through the night. Lucky for me my exit strategy is fairly complicated, so it’s unlikely I can follow through on a whim. knowing that other people are still hanging on gives me something to hang on to. it’s a little parasitic, but i figured it’s why a lot of us are here. right now it feels like staying alive is all i have to live for. I guess, that for as long as I’m still breathing, that’s gonna have to be good enough. speaking of sleep, meds are kicking in so i have to get some. check back tomorrow. hope we’re all still here.
Ok.
Once more ware was your social worker.?
<3
Mimito, still here?
Hello Jael I’m still here, how are you doing?
I’m alright I guess. Can’t sleep. Holding the stupid gun wondering how I got this far.
I sent you an email a while ago, I thought maybe you had gone to bed. Have you awake this whole time
Asleep and awake. Toss and turning. I haven’t checked my email.
I’m going to try to sleep some now. I will email you though in a few hours.
The sun should be coming up soon, I understand how you feel, I’m in the same boat minus the gun.
Ok, I hope you get some rest.
Awake and still here. Were you able to get any sleep at all?
isaac yes yes I got some sleep. Not the best sleep ever, but it was better than some nights. I have check out soon so I am packing up a few things. Not that I brought much to begin with. Are you doing any better?
this morning has not been so bad. my plan for the weekend is disintegrating. I have a lot to face up to and had hoped to do so this weekend. Maybe I can still make it work. I’ve given myself a week. Didn’t sleep well. Sometimes I half-sleep. It is difficult to explain. Kind of like an uncomfortable waking dream. Eventually, I settled into real sleep probably around 5am.
Still, the negative voices are quiet and my pulse is settled. it’s not much, but I’ll take it.
Are you heading home?
isaac I hope you plan to stick around longer. Maybe it can get to be easier for you. I do not know your situation exactly or your plan for the weekend that is fast approching. Yes, I will be heading home in half an hour. Which is something I did not plan on having to do.
Thanks.
I may leave, but I’ve decided (at least for now) that I’m not going out without a fight. I guess for the last decade I have been fighting, but I’ve only been fighting myself. So, I made a list of the things I fear and dread and I’m going to try and kick each one squarely in the nuts. I mean, what do I have to lose? I’m going to off myself, right? I can’t really make any of it right and, clearly, I already feel as though I own my mistakes, now I’m just going to own up to them. Apologize to those I’ve hurt, face those who’ve hurt me and see if I can make peace with myself after that.
I know I’ll still be the same person after that. I don’t know that it will change anything. But at least I won’t keep fretting about the imagined consequences. They will be real. Something will be real. I’ll have a footing from which to move forward or stop moving. I try to keep the distinction between my life and my suffering clear and sharp. Truthfully, it’s only one of them that I am desperate to end. Ending my life would only be collateral to ending my anguish. It’s the doing nothing that’s driving me over the edge.
So I say screw it! Consequences be damned. or I will.
Is home a good place?
isaac Fight, and fight well. Yes, I believe you are right. There is nothing to lose, and peace would probably feel good to a lot of us. I do not know what you think your consequences will be, but I do think it is worth it for you to do what you need to. I think my way of living, usually on the edge, has changed me as a person. Not saying in a positive way or negative way. I do think you can get through this.
Home, yes, it is a good place. Quiet and clean and me.
so glad you have a place of refuge. im glad you get to go back to it.
isaac you know I did not plan on going back. I am not sure what will happen after I go back. I still have thoughts of going through with it and how stupid I was not to. I am in a war with good and evil.
Hello Jael, glad you made it through another night, the battle in your case seems to be more about life and death than good and evil, but like they say in either case, the one you feed the most will usually win, so maybe do something good for your self now, treat your self to something enjoyable whatever that might be.
i know…but you are going back. and that gives me hope. like mimito said, you fought for one more night. you battled for life. and here you are giving encouragement to me. thank you for that. thank you for giving me that. i can see how close you are. that makes me afraid because i am fast approaching that edge. but here you are. and that gives me hope. i am grateful that you are using this extra day to share with us. it means something…to me.
mimito hi and excuse me for not replying to your email yet. You might be right. Life and death which to me sounds still sounds like good and evil. You sound better today. I hope there is some truth in that. I will email you right now.
isaac you are very welcome. I am glad it means something to someone. I do not believe that I have anything to give, but maybe my time while I am still breathing too. I have been on many public forum sites lately trying to figure some things out and this site draws me in. You guys here have really made some sort of impact on me. Thank you too isaac. Please keep in touch with me.
i hope that things went well today.
isaac how are you today?
Scar504? Things going alright?
kinda shitty and my head hurts. but that’s most days. I ate my feelings today…they were delicious. now my stomach huts, but I’m still here. trying hard not to numb myself to the point where i’ve wasted my week and suddenly I’m working out my long trip to nowhere.
They’re going, and going, and going, but here in my dark little room everything’s alright. You out of the hotel yet?
isaac I’m sorry to hear that really. You have some quite interesting comments that I enjoy reading. I am still here too and would enjoy a bit of numbing myself.
Scar504 stay in that room if everything is alright. Yes, I am back at home now. Night time is hard though.
yeah, numb does feel good for a while. glad you got home safe and sound. Nights can be tricky. need some company to help get you through?
Yeah, nights are the worse. Nothing to distract you. If only we could fall asleep as soon as the sun sets.
Isaac that sounds good
good deal. I’m still up. If you start feeling sleepy, please get some rest. if for some dumb reason it takes me a while to answer, i probably dozed off (murphy’s law – when I want to stay up, then my meds will kick in. otherwise I toss and turn all night).
BTW, I meant to tell you that I’m originally from texas. Grew up in Houston. don’t live there now. haven’t for a while.
isaac I’m not far from Houston actually. It’s good to hear you can get sleep with or without meds. It’s alright if you fall asleep. I am really having a hard time with the decision I made, with the time I wasted, with not following through. I am not too good right now and trying to focus on talking with you guys.
Darko hi
You’ve followed through with staying with us. Keep it up.
What time do you think you have you wasted? (that is one of my sore spots too)
jael hi, i’m glad you’re here
and it almost made me start crying again that you just said hi to me.
i’m horribly lonely tonight.
there’s someone important to me that i should have seen, and i stayed home instead and feel terrible.
but i read the page and it makes me feel good that you’re going home to a good place
isaac I am trying. I think the time I wasted at the hotel, the time I wasted getting that far only to stop, and in my head, give up. I almost feel as though, I am not sure really. I am glad to be able to talk to you guys right now though. (And mimito too)
Scar504 this is the distraction I need. I have been sketching/doodling and writing off and on, when I can focus longer than 10 minutes at a time. I am also doing some research.
@darko. bad nights suck most of all.
had a bad night last night. i think it’s because i’m coming off the meds. toss and turn, somewhere between awake and asleep. have nightmares, somewhere between awake and asleep. wake up but can’t open my eyes, because I’m still partly in a dream and try to solve impossible puzzles so that I can get back to sleep…which of course is impossible (trying to write a computer program made of a ledger sheet and the color purple, so that my back will stop aching). It’s like sleepwalking but you’re aware that you’re doing it and still can’t stop it. It would be funny, if it wasn’t really happening. At least no one was being brutally murdered in that dream. Being caught in the middle of those is no fun.
darko you know, I am here if you want to talk. I don’t know of an easier way than on here which is taking me some time to respond. I have that feeling of dread. Lonely maybe too. Scared, of myself. Upset, I didn’t do it. So what happened exactly?
I see it as a positive thing. you planned, got what you needed together, got there, but reevaluated, and ultimately made the right call. Here you are. giving us all a sigh of relief. maybe when our time comes, we’ll be able to think it through enough to give ourselves a bit more time, hoping you’ll be here telling us how glad you are we didn’t do it.
you do much sketching/doodling, or is that something you recently picked up?
isaac how do I know it was the right call? As long as I am here, I will be glad you guys didn’t do it. Thanks for what you said. That means something to me. I’ve sketched for years, finally getting better at it. It takes a lot of time to get it just right. Do you like to sketch?
@isaac i don’t think we’ve talked before, so hi ! tossing and turning while having nightmares is the worst. waking up and falling back asleep is like having multiple bad nights in one. i’ve never dreamed of someone being brutally murdered but i can imagine waking up crying. hope you’re okay <3
@jael i think it took more courage for you to not do it than it would have for you to do it. i'm honestly proud of you. I'm a stubborn person and i know how difficult it can be to back down from something once you've commited yourself to it.
what happened was trivial, really.
there's a person who relates to what i, and a lot of people here are going through (and is actually worse-off psychologically than i am). i feel close to him and safe when i'm with him and today his band was playing a show and i wanted to go, but didnt. bad timing and worse anxiety and i just couldn't do it. if it was anyone else i wouldn't even blink, but with someone like him, someone like us, when i know how shitty it can feel to be let down… i feel like i hurt him and knowing i might have hurt someone rips me apart.
@jael you should put some sketches up on the media board
i will if you will, i like to sketch too
I’m not much of a sketcher but my sister is…actually more of a doodler. she’s pretty good at it. I wish I could sketch. My guitar is all I have and it is more complicated for me to use it as a way to get ideas out than pencil and paper, so I often leave it on the wall.
sketches on the media board sounds awesome. would love to see them…wait, there’s a media board?
yes, darko. good to talk to you. my worst waking nightmare was one in which my baby brother was killed. I didn’t wake up crying, I woke up sobbing. I had to convince myself it didn’t just happen. Felt as real as all the friends I’ve lost who actually died. my brother was fine, but I grieved the loss of my dream brother, it was so real.
hopefully your night tonight will be without incidence. my shoulder doesn’t feel so achy, so i suspect I will have a straight night’s sleep. here’s hoping anyway.
that sounds absolutely horrific, i’m so sorry that you had to go through that dream.
i shudder imagining my baby (18 year old) sister getting a paper cut, i am so, so sorry that happened to you.
thank you and i hope your night it without incident too.
i think i am going to try to pass out though, truly hope you do get a straight night’s sleep.
<3
I bet he understands. just have to let him know. i don’t have many friends, if any, but the ones I have are very low maintenance. they know they can’t hinge their life on my anxiety level, so they plan around it. If I need to flake out, they are cool…disappointed, but cool. low pressure friends are the best.
yeah, get some rest. good on ya for that. catch you later. nice meeting you.
Darko that sounds like no fun, deal with anxiety and “bad timing” then feel worse for not actually trying to deal with that and going anyway. I hope that gets better. You haven’t let him down. yes I will think about that. I have not shared a lot of my sketches so I would have to pick one I could feel comfortable sharing. isaac in dashboard you can select media and put things on there. There are a lot of pictures up now. I don’t know how you guys get through this stuff. Everything seems so hard and difficult.
he is low pressure, and does understand, just as i understand when he flakes. i just feel like i’m the flakier one and i so badly want to not be.
media board: http://suicideproject.org/wp-admin/upload.php
i don’t know if that link will work, but if you go to the dashboard, it’s on the left side above “comments”
i play guitar too! not often, but when i feel up to it.
good to talk isaac and have a good night !
Night darko maybe tomorrow things will be better, that’s what I am hoping for.
night jael and thanks, i hope so too and i’m glad to hear you’re hoping it gets better. thanks for tonight
oh, wow. got it figured out. don’t know if it’s a good thing, but there’s a phone pic of me there now.
Darko you are very welcome. isaac, I will check it out.
Anyway, I just remember that most of the intense stuff is med induced and will subside. If the subject matter wasn’t so horrible, it would be quite awesome to have a high-def waking dream that follows you into waking moments and then back again. But for some reason, the dreams are always horrible. haven’t figured that out yet.
isaac I saw your picture and I commented on it. Anyway I said nice to see you. It is sometimes nice to put a face to the name. Yes that is a tough one to figure out. I have dreams/nightmares. More like night terrors though. I have been able to hold them off for a few weeks now as I came closer to dying. Not too sure why that was though.
Don’t know. I wonder how your dreams will be affected this week in the aftermath.
I hate to ask, but is there any part of you that feels a little liberated by the final choice you made? I keep imagining this scenario where I’d approach the bloody edge, look over for a long moment, spit down the chasm, swear at it and walk away, completely prepared for taking the leap, but deciding not to…not yet.
I’m not typically a big fan of my pictures, but it is what it is.
isaac last night was pretty difficult tossing and turning. Not really resting. I am afraid almost to sleep fully. I do not think I would use the word liberated. I feel as though I didn’t make a decision to not go through with it (as much as it didn’t happen) as it was a decision not to complete it. I did try. That one pull, thinking that was it, scared the shit out if me. But what scared me more was knowing I had less of a chance to live each time I pulled the trigger. I was not supposed to be scared. I was ready to unload the gun. I had something set for each time I pulled and it was not it. I freak out at the first one. Deep down I wanted a sign. I know I did. I really do not know how much longer I will last though.
isaac no one (or not many) are fond of their pictures ever. Especially to show strangers. In real life, people are judged solely by the way they look or talk.
Let me add though, you are adorable.
Sounds like you got your sign. What you only guessed at regarding your desires were brought into full focus. I believe in your mind, you were shot and were able to face what that really meant without all the messy void of being dead. Sounds like you know that death isn’t really so much for you as is living better.
what are you afraid of now that this first ordeal is over?
thanks. now I’m blushing.
isaac I am afraid I will do this again, or that life is done with me and although I make what I can out of life, it seems like time for death to come. Maybe I am not making a lot of sense. I am not sure maybe what I’m afraid of. Maybe getting closer to others. Which I have been able to avoid for the most part. I am actually confusing myself now.
having a general, nonspecific sense of fear and dread can be the worst kind, because there’s no clear direction to point the arrow should you choose to fight it. I’m hoping that having faced the bullet and beaten it for now, you’ll keep a weather eye out for what those indeterminable fears are. they seem like ghosts right now, but I don’t believe in ghosts. I’ve given a name to my fears that I’ve been able to identify so far and while the consequences of battling them are not pleasant, win or lose, it will represent me killing something other than myself. Always plenty of time to take that step later.
isaac yes I understand what you are saying. Glad that you are able to do that. I assume my mind just hasn’t stopped yet to figure everything out.
Hello issac and Jael
Hi mimito I thought you might have went to sleep.
I’m glad that you intend to give your mind that chance. And recognize that I any kind of a confused state is no time to care for any kind of ‘unfinished business’
Yay! Mimito
Yes isaac. Now what would it have been if the second pull killed me? I keep thinking about that.
That is probably the most immediate of what-if questions. But connected to it is a thin transparent line th at attaches that with all other what ifs. What if what led you to that room had never happened. And that leads to a whole string of other what ifs.
Happily (for me) the weapon didn’t fire.what’s next is way more important than what if.
And decompressing and enjoying the company of a few new friends is more important than any worry right now.
isaac, it is all I can think about right now. The bullet ripping through my skin and bone and brains. Life over, laying there on the floor. It is a very sick thought maybe. I mean that is what I wanted. I could have loaded the gun fully. Okay, I need to stop that what-if game right now. You are right about the new friends. I’m really glad I am getting to know you guys. Just talking helps a lot.
Hi again, sorry I had a phone call, how are you doing issac, Jael..you two still up?
Jael, nobody is expected to make it on there own
It really breaks my heart to hear how isolated you are, and have been it appears most of your life. If there is one thing I really think would be good for you it’s to make some more connections with people, whether on here or in your daily life or whatever, you really don’t deserve to be alone like this
you are so right. that what if game’s got to go along with all the what if’s that led up to it. You’re alive. You’re in a safe place. You’re with (fairly decent) folk. You are in the moment. and thanks to you, so am I. not thinking at all about next week or tomorrow or sunday. i’m in this moment. and I’m actually glad about it.
Mimito I made it this far. Although not sure if that should be said since obviously where I was. Letting people in is very hard to do and taking on others is also hard for me. My life is on a whim.
How are you doing right now guys??
isaac I am really glad to hear that. In the moment I what I usually live in. It’s awesome.
not bad. not thinking about tomorrow. definitely not thinking about next week. still feeling a little numb, but I have a plan that maybe won’t end with me taking a long vacation to nowhere.
So you plan on sticking around and talking with me before you decide to take your trip?
@Jael, I think not letting people in is pretty hard as well.
@issac If I understand your post are you now considering postponing your weekend plans indefinitely. I hope so
yes. I’m pretty sure I will. I still have a lot of details to work out, but aren’t focusing on them too much right now. I have several things from my past to face head on first. might even make the trip unnecessary. might give me the confidence to move forward. i have to think it will work, or why bother even trying.
if monday comes and nothing’s changed, i’ll be feeling pretty low. probably start looking into getting my passport. but its not monday yet and so i choose to be glad in this moment with jael and mimito. feels kind of like sharing a drink after surviving something horrible.
Cheers mate
here here.
isaac Cheers. And I will be here as far as it seems, if Monday comes and you’re low. You’ve helped me.
thanks. it feels strange to be talking about normal life stuff, while planning out my elaborate exit strategy. I don’t really feel connected to life or death at this point. maybe because right now it’s all about the mission. choosing a door. I can’t even walk through right now. i must wait till sunday. that waiting is driving me crazy. but this, being here, puts things back into perspective. I have a timeline. there is a scenario in which i keep living a while longer.
Jael, do you have any thoughts about what would help you put your gun away? at least for a while?
I think I need some rest right about now. I will be back in a few hours. Have a good night guys.
isaac unfortunately no. Right now reality is setting in slowly. I have the gun sitting out, but I know I could not do that without some sort of plan. I look at it and it gives me a feeling of my “way out”. It was a definite way out, and still is. I hate knowing that the easy way out is within my reach.
yeah. get some rest. i should do the same. thanks for staying up with me. I’ll be checking in though. here’s to a good restful sleep.
Thank you so much isaac. Good night
Hi DoM well actually good night. Maybe we could talk some tomorrow. Wish I had a little tonight. Maybe tomorrow though.
Yes if I’m around and not lying intoxicated underneath a car having blown my winnings
isaac, darko, good morning
good morning jael, how’re you feeling today?
I just posted. Seems that I am off a bit today. But I am here, I need to pull up my boot straps and get through it. How are you? Feeling better?
to be honest, not really feeling any better. i’m going to visit my parents for the weekend though, and that often helps me clear my head. i’m hoping i’ll feel a little better after the weekend.
boot straps being pulled up sounds like exactly what you might need. i’m going to go post on the new post though, to save us from scrolling down so much again.