I am infatuated with pain. I can’t be happy, I try to push myself to move on and get better but I can’t. I’m not new here. I’ve been here since last year. But I delete my posts because I hate my words. I hate my thoughts.. Myself..
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no one can help u?
family, friends, lovers?
i feel the same urges of masochism, holly. i dont understand them either. it makes me feel like im lacking a core human instinct. it’s okay, you’re not alone.
No, nor do they want too.
It horrible that I’m not alone.. I just feel so, ignorant, in the not knowing sense, like everything I think, say, feel, act etc is just being judged and its so unimportant no one listens or watches. I deserve to be ignored and not helped.
i made an account just to comment.
sometimes i spend most of a day thinking of new ways to cause myself pain. i love it. it confirms my existence, and when i feel the warmth of the blood i know that i have done the right thing. i know that it is my friend.
i don’t want “help,” in my experience happiness is for other people and they’re welcome to it. i know i don’t deserve to feel anything but pain. it’s been such a long time since i have actually felt anything internally that i have to externalise it and i .
i have no-one, literally no-one to turn to even if i wanted to. at 21 i have successfully burnt all my bridges with family and friends. i’m homeless and british, 6 nights out of 7 i sleep outside and it’s getting pretty damn cold – i don’t think i’ll last the winter and i embrace it.
you’re not alone holly
I’m here if you want to talk.
I wish things could change for you. I want to say I know how you feel and that I can relate. But if you are like me you know that doesn’t help. I jut hope you can one day see yourself in a better light. Its hard to see that you need to be OK with yourself but you really need to see that through your own experience. But if you can’t see the light in the darkness, how can you begin to move on and be happy you know? I hope you find your light some day. Something I’m sure we all wish to find. True happiness with ourselves.
I want to find my light, again, but truth is I lost it when someone I loved so much, and was going to marry, committed suicide. I loved him and he was my lamp in a dark cave, but now that he’s gone the light bulb has busted and I’m left here in the darkness. I just need to find my path out of this dark place, but the first step, is the map, or the way to start being okay with myself.
i don’t really want to talk… but i do like to listen
Oh my I’m so sorry to hear that. I honestly can’t imagine what thats like. I’m not reliqious, and I myself can’t see past my own darkness, but I do feel that things still happen for a reason. Its not a matter of forgetting what terrible things have happened, but forgiving ourselves. I don’t know you that well but I’msure for how bad he was to commit such an act, he wouldn’t want you feeling this way for what he had done. I don’t mean it in a bad way. I’m just saying that I really hope you can find something in your life that brings you peace of mind and self happiness.
And yupyup, I am here for you as well. If there is anything I can do please let me know