Allowing myself to drink a little is probably not the best way to make choices. But its been another one of those nights. The kind you find yourself reading the back of prescription bottles, and the kind where you mosey on over to Suicide Project and look for someone hurting who can be helped..
In this case all I have reverted to was reading the suicide letter I wrote over a year ago tucked under my bead. Still there, still unchanged.. Still reads…
“I want to thank everyone for the world they’ve built around me. And unfortunately its not a world in which I feel ever had a place for me. So I thank you for trying, and I thank you for the random smile here or there you would happen to give me. It’s the thought I open my eyes to and the conclusion to each and every day.. the feeling and knowing that I dont belong here. I’m sick of wearing a new mask and developing a new facade for every scenario in life.. whether it be professional, recreational, or pleasurable. I feel it exhausting to have to change myself to everyone and everything to be a part of your world.
I love you father.. even though you did nothing. I love you mother even though you allowed drugs and alcohol to come before your own son and family.. And I love you brother and sister for being too young to remember it all.”
3 comments
I don’t know if this sounds cruel or something, so I’m sorry if I hurt or bother you writing this but I think your suicide letter is beautiful. I don’t know it just seems so full of feelings and memories and all that. I’ll be honest: you should live. If you’re unhappy, keeping yourself here is always a long and slow torture. I like the way you express yourself.
You are a really good writer. I think it’s a very good letter, it doesn’t express any hate or resentment. You genuinely seem like a good person. I hope you deeply consider whether this is what you really want or not. It’s up to you to make the best decision for yourself. All the best to you.
It’s a beautiful letter, and you’re good at writing. But to be honest, you should burn it, to get rid of any possibly lingering feelings and thoughts of going through with it. Get rid of the evidence to get rid of the memories.