I’m unsure of what to expect as I haven’t been on a forum like this before, however I can’t sleep as usual so I thought.. why not try… so here goes…
Around 8 years ago this is where I was…
I had a full-time job, I liked it and the people were great, a few years later I found a second job.. I joined the retained fire brigade.. I never thought it possible, everything was going better than I could have ever hoped. I believe I truly was happy then. Things just continued to get better and better as time moved on, around a year later I met a girl, well we’d met before but I never thought she’d be interested in me. We went out, we had fun, we fell in love. A little while later we bought a house and got married, I even left my job as a firefighter so we could move. My life at that point was all that I could have ever hoped it would be, probably more than I could have ever hoped. I had a house, a really lovely house, a wife, lots of friends… we were always doing something new and exciting. It was an amazing time.
Then this happened..
10 months after we were married she left for the guy she should have been with from the start, she loved him not me. So the house was sold and I don’t think I’ve ever been quite the same since. I have a new home now but something is different, I was hoping the feelings of failure and contempt for myself would eventually fade… they didn’t and haven’t. I live alone and have done for five years since. Six weeks ago I lost my job and soon i’ve no doubt I will lose this house. I used to be confident, outgoing and I was able to do anything without fear. Now…. I get nervous at the prospect of a job interview, of speaking to a girl. I feel wretched all time and nothing of the me that was remains today.
This is me now.
A sad pathetic excuse for what was once a confident, horse of a man. I will have all that I need by the middle of this week, I don’t really know why I’m even posting here but I figure it can’t do any harm. I will be gone before the end of this week, I will have one last good evening doing all the things I enjoy.. my favorite wine, my favorite food.. one last ciggarette and then off to sleep. I feel guilty for those that will have to deal with my death. I just wish it was enough to make me reconsider. My final thoughts are that if the best possible days are behind and the future cannot possibly hope to compare then surely living becomes existing, and that, for me, is not a life well lived.
6 comments
Sounds like she broke you down….I’m sorry to hear you go. Its a shame that you wasted the time and money on her…must be hard fearing talking girls amd job interviews.
keep your head up, and dont let this girl make you suffer for the rest of your life. you deserve better and you are worth so much more. you need someone who will love you entirely with no one else in the picture. dont give up. dont let this be the ending to your life. start a new chapter and realize that u are a strong man who can keep on goiing. everytime you fall, pick yourself up. dont let anyone have the power to bring you down.
firefighters are hot… i bet there r many women dying for a guy like you!
Maybe there is more for you to find. Maybe the past isn’t as good as it gets. Or maybe you’re right. I hope you find peace, either way.
I feel exactly the same way. My previous life will never compare to the miserable future that awaits me. I don’t see how resignation will ever be a word in my dictionary, yet I am still here cause I don’t have the guts to end it. That makes me even more miserable. Have a safe trip if you really believe that there’s no hoe left for you in this life time. I wish you peace and a big hug from me.
I’m very sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to it in some ways. I know the highs and lows that can be created by finding the person you want to be with and then being left behind. A few things came to mind after reading this. One, just be glad that in addition to the house, the marriage, and all the other things you shared, you didn’t create a child before she left. Many people go through what you are going through, plus the added burden of not always being able to see their child, or having to be around their ex just to spend time with the kid. Plus all the complications it creates for the child as well. I know this is kind of a far reach to put a positive spin on what happened, but honestly it would be a lot worse if you had gotten to the point of having a kid.Also, as much as you may feel like your self worth is low and that you weren’t good enough, I don’t see you as the bad guy here. Only one person bailed on the vow that you were supposed to love and care for each other forever, not only that but to bail on it after only 10 months, and that was her, not you. Again, this might be a bizarre way to try to put a positive spin on what happened, but what if it had taken 10 or 20 years for her to decide that she didn’t want to stay with you? Then you would have had decades of your life going down the drain, you would have had kids together, etc. Luckily in only 10 months, she revealed that she did not care to keep her marriage vows, she did not feel that she owed you any commitment, and she left. She showed you her true colors. I cannot imagine what type of person commits to a marriage and abandons it all in the same year, but I certainly would not want that to be the person I attempted to spend my life with.So although I’m sure this has been an agonizing heart break for you, at least it is over and done with, the truth was revealed, she took off, and she didn’t take 20 years of your life from you.I feel like a bit of a hypocrite to encourage you to keep going, when I myself feel suicidal most days since losing the person I was supposed to marry. All I can try to suggest to you, is would you not want to hang on if you could imagine that some day you will have the love, the house, the marriage, the partnership again, all with someone who will truly mean it and will not throw it all away like it meant nothing? To hang on for the day when you can look back and realize your first wife was meant to leave you because your destiny was to end up with someone else? Unless you can see into the future, you cannot truly know if your best days are behind you or in front of you. At best, suicide would mean taking fifty-fifty odds about whether your future is going to get any better or worse. I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to make a decision about killing myself, I want to have better than fifty-fifty odds. I want to know whether I’m going to find someone to love me and share the most amazing years of my life, or if I really do just have 30 more years of suffering in front of me. But the only way to know is to see what happens. On the other hand, it can be sort of dangerous to go through life making your number one priority about finding someone to love. Because as you have experienced, humans are imperfect. They can leave you, they can hurt you, they can betray you. Divorce and heart break is everywhere in the world. So it’s smarter to try to find a reason to live that doesn’t always have to involve romance. In this entire dimension of existence that we live is, is there nothing that makes you smile apart from having to find another imperfect human to say they love you? No hobby? No sport? No art form? Nowhere you want to travel? Making love your one and only goal is a quick way to go through life miserable. I’ve lived that way for a long time.I’m sorry that losing your job is going to add to your struggle, but obviously you are not alone with that, millions of people are dealing with the economy right now. Once your current job expires I would just take some time to enjoy life and do things that you haven’t been able to do when you were busy working, but don’t stretch it out too long, get right back to looking for work before you get too comfortable being unemployed.The choice is yours. I know just waiting and hoping for things to get better doesn’t seem so great. The person I wanted to marry left me late last year. I brought in the New Year of 2012 crying my eyes out at midnight as I sat here alone and had nobody to spend it with. And here we are in October, I’ve hung on this long, and still nothing is better.It’s all a matter of perspective. Maybe your wife revealed her true colors and left you so that life can set you up with someone better. Maybe you are losing your job because life wants to open a door to a different career path that you never imagined.Let me put it this way, 8 years ago when things were going great, did you predict that ahead of time? Did you know that you were going to find two jobs, work as a firefighter, find a wife? Probably not. You probably had bad days before all of those things came into your life and you wondered what was the point. But eventually those things did come into your life. And yes it’s unfortunate that now many of those things are leaving your life. But you’ve had it good once before. And you didn’t know that those things were coming, but they happened. How do you know that you don’t have even bigger and better things waiting ahead of you? Maybe only a month away or maybe it will take a very long time. And yes, let’s keep this realistic, out of all the possibilities that lay in your future, maybe it does just get worse. I’d be lying to you and trying to fill you with fake hope if I said it’s a guarantee that it will get better. I can’t promise you that. But what I can state as a fact, is that if you leave now, your life is over. The odds won’t matter. It won’t matter if 4 weeks from now you were going to meet some girl and at some point in the future you were going to marry her. It won’t matter if this time next year you’d be working a different job and feeling glad that you lost the last job you had so you could get hired at the new one. You’ll be gone.Only you can decide if you can find a way to keep waking up each day with no guarantees that it will get better, only what-ifs. If you want to make the bold prediction that you will never again experience good years in your life, that’s your choice. But I don’t think you have any evidence to base that on. It would be a very random guess. If you want to trade away the rest of your future based on a guess that it might not get better, that is your choice. I hope you will choose to see what else happens.This isn’t coming from someone in a nice big house with a wife waiting for me to come to bed in the other room. 20 minutes before I came online tonight I was sitting in my little apartment crying because the dreams about my ex girlfriend have started up again and it’s killing me. I have no friends and no job. I slept til 7pm today just to wake up and watch some TV and now I’ll sit at my computer all night in the quiet while everyone else in this apartment building sleeps and gets ready for work tomorrow. A new coiuple just moved in above me so I get to hear my ceiling creaking as they stomp around and move their furniture in. I am no better off than you are, and most times when I go to sleep I think it would be wonderful to never wake up. But I am still here, gambling on the same hopes that I am asking you to consider. Maybe some day I’ll be a success, maybe some day I’ll meet someone who really loves me. I’ve waited this long. At this point I might as well stick around and see if the world ends like so many people are concerned about this year. If I make it until 2013 and get to spend another New Years sitting in the same chair where I was crying on January 1st of this year, then I guess I’ll decide if I still want to keep trying. Can you hang in for there for the rest of this year at least?
Bleaker, I just wrote you a really long response and when I posted it, it says it is awaiting approval. So I think you have to check your email or go to your control panel on this site to approve what I posted. I don’t know why but it seems like when you write a really long reply the site wants to make sure you aren’t advertising or something. I hope you’ll be able to see what I wrote somehow because I put a lot of thought into it.