oct 3rd

Things are seeming more and more clear. I browse the internet for one morning , roughly 1am to 5am, and I am just flooded with stories of police tyranny . This is a huge problem for me. I know police are assholes and everyone hates them ,I know. This is a part of a bigger picture for me. They are just the bottom foot soilers and their generals are the ones that live in the big buildings and hog all the country’s money for themselves even after they retire.

It sent a message to me that if these “troops” can brutalize and trap anyone at will, we are not free. This goes on and on with me. I have been contemplating life  so deeply now in this morning.

I have gotten out of the Navy a few days ago. I am still getting a few more paychecks because I was not afforded the time to take leave so I get a few free paychecks because of that. I am supposed to be leaving what I have been calling home for the past two years in this town and going to live with family.

I don’t know how well that is going to go. I am very submissive and I have been in a situation with them before. It’s a small family at least but living with them because I have no options is going to give them an upper hand . I used to have a lousy life before I joined and that’s the reason that I did join to get away from one of them. I wish I could tell more but I dont want to be ID’ed here .

But the whole ” grass is greener on the other side” complex is natually setting in . It’s making me feel great and going from shift work to a regular schedule , and having a job that barley takes any effort has been aiding this. I got excused from going to physical training and weigh ins because even my supervisor thought it was ridiculous since I had two weeks left. It’s been a downhill ride. But when things heat up again since I will have to find another career or job, I dont know it’s going to go so well.

We will be garuanteed an idiot in the white house and shit will just stay the same for the better part. So the economy is still going to be in the tank and social unrest will rise. I am watching all this go down on the news and yet I still read about people being fucked over by the government starting with the police, over stupid things like the cops not wanting to be video taped, I mean come on really?

It’s like our government is just trying to keep a certain percentage DOWN or away.. We are being used for profits of the rich of many ways and it’s just not the way I want to live. Romney and Obama both seem like wicked men. Romney wants to destroy the lower half while Obama wants to legalize immigrint freeloaders and scum to come to our country and lay thousands of eggs and make our lives even worse. We are fucked either way.

The painfull part is that the people have put these people into office. At least that’s what I have been told so far.. I am wondering if our voice has anything really to do with it. We are so powerless , helpess, and just there to fill in the lousy roles of society at almost no cost to the upper half.

So, thinking about all of this, I have decided that even though things are getting better in the short run, it’s only going to get ALOT worse in the future. This isn’t my political beleif but also my personal life.

I am a 25 year virgin and counting. It’s only going to get worse because my “love” life has frozen since high school ( online long distance relationship ) . I still don’t know shit about women and quite honestly besides hot women in black skirts or pants ( i have this instant turn on for those colors besides faces ) in my mind while I jack daily to them getting muddy and stripping down, women just seem a pain in the fucking … everywhere.

I have a navy friend who is married, he went through a horrid divorce, married again to a girlfriend he’s known for about a year and know has this female dominated marriage. She make’s NO money and does NO work. She orders him around the apartment and everything revolves around HER.  He knows this , I think. He told me that her ex boyfriend did everything for her and he was in the army. So to sum it all up she’s just a lazy shit. She has childhood stories for this that just don’t add up.

Just by seeing what he goes through when I hang out with them, I dont think I will want to get married . They also come attached to some crazy fucking bullshit belief that they need to give orders and never take them, not take inititive to help out and/or find a job, and freeload. Also they come with some belief of being “healthy” , “positive”, “intelligent” , or my favorite ” doctors are evil “. This woman has all of those four. I see that women are always gold diggers, or work dodgers. I don’t want to end up like my friend either. He earns all the money and yet she can’t put away his uniforms every now and then? WTF. I don’t know what is wrong with my generation AT ALL.

So that’s that. Oppression can come in many many forms and it’s probably up there with the things I hate the most about the universe right next to how fucking weak, stupid, and pathetic most of us are.

I am so ready to go back to my universe where I can alter it, or go into a infinite lucid dream where shit like this does not exist. I am just quite done and I am hoping this high wears off soon so I can grab the big picture and spare either being a fucking loner shitstain compared to the rest of society , or the same thing but with a raging **** forcing her will on me all the time.  But as for now I am once again researching ways to end my life and planning so if the time comes sooner or later I will be ready. I will feel for those that I heart but that just means I will have to write a very clear letter so they finally take me seriously..