I guess I really don’t know where to start. I’m 20, not very good looking and have a hard time making friends. I’m in the National Guard for my state, graduated highschool from a military academy. My family hasn’t ever been close. My mother commited suicide when I was 10 and my brother and I found her. Since I was about 14 I’ve thought about suicide, but not because I have a terrible life, more so its because I fear what the future holds. I think of life as seemingly pointless, we go to school to secure a decent job, work a job to provide for our selves and family, and then we die. But while we fight to provide for ourselves and others, we struggle and deal with hardships, some worse than others. It just gets me. Why? Why should I keep fighting, when I have nothing to fight for? And at this point, I’m not interested in looking for a reason to fight anymore. Im tired of searching for reason. I’ve looked in the simplest of places, been myself as well as fitted myself in the search to find someone. And after all the work I’m back where I started, alone. Its like whatever I do just leads to nothing or just bad news. I’m tired, physically and emotionally. Would it be wrong to just make myself disappear? I feel like taking my own life makes sense for me. Everyday the thought and intentions grow stronger, and I know I’m almost to the point. The idea of death sounds blissful in a sick but calming way. I just need someone to talk to I think. The few people I do know see me as the strong one. The guy who never shows how he truly feels, never talks about his emotions. I feel like I can’t show them this side of me, though lately its been consuming me. I want to just disappear, drive far away and then take my life. Somewhere where I wont be found, so people really never know what happened.
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I can relate to how you feel. I lost my husband to suicide about a month ago. Im 28, no kids. I sit here and think… why? Why am i here? Im trying to focus on work and take one day at a time. Well one hour at a time really. Talking to my therapist has helped a great deal. I tried to commit suicide when i was 12. Im lucky im still here. The way im distracting myself is to do things that make me feel good. Like helping others who feel there is no hope. Ive been on both sides, and (as im sure you have heard before), suicide is not the answer. Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things will change. I have a hard time making friends too. Have you thought about volunteering somewhere? Thats a great way to meet new people and helps you feel good about yourself too. People see me as the strong one too. I supervise about 9 people at a Sheriffs Office. They’ve been there since my husband passed and have i let them in? Oh yes. Its ok not to be strong sometimes. You need someone to lean on. Everyone does. There is a reason why you are here. I wanted to disappear too but im still fighting. My husband would’ve wanted me to fight and let this make me stronger. Talking about it helps. They always say that but it really does help. Your life will change. Find out who you are. You are obviously a brave person being in the military. And very smart. Dont be afraid to open up to people. Its ok not to be strong sometimes. Keep your head up.
Karen.