Tell me what to do with my life.

Tl;dr at bottom

I have a decent life despite it all. My needs are met. A couple of my shallow wants, too.

I’m 20 living with my mother and sister with cerebral palsy.

Because of my sisters cerebral palsy, our lives are sheltered. We rarely go out since she causes a scene and is very disruptive.

Our small town has become the cradle that we remain tethered to. As a kid, I’d beg my mom to get us out of here, even just for a trip. Never happened. I settled into it over the years. Now, I’m hesitant to even leave the house. My mom has an unhealthy dependence on me. I think it’s because she’s been single for so long and she doesn’t have a husband/bf you latch on to.

I’m tired of pretending for other people. On days I feel like going on a rampage, I keep it all tied together for the comfort an convenience of others. I learned long ago that people dismiss your problems or worries. They may even use them against you. And all of my former friends and family that I used to be close with, wonder why I’m so distant. I hate pretending that I have plans for my life. I have no plans, thus nothing to contribute. I’m essentially useless. I don’t care. Theres a million reasons to see me in a negative light.

My mom is pushing me to become a singer. I used to be so passionate about music. Being a singer was the dream I didn’t (and still don’t) have the stones to accomplish. My mom has a lot of faith in me. She’s a true optimist. I think she’s an idiot.

I’m no longer passionate about music. I’m not passionate about anything. I just don’t know….

I’m a walking contradiction. I long for a social life but I’m too afraid and too awkward. I’m lonely, but I push people away. I long for attention but try to deflect it when it comes to me. I’d like to have a nice life but I have no motivation to do things I  want to do let alone the things I need.

I’m lost. Have been for years. I wrote this to try to purge my feelings. Its not enough….   :

I’m not passionate. I’m as flat as the iron, blank as the page. I blame my pain on others.

I blame you for my body and my broken spirit. I blame you from my lost sense of curiosity & creativity. I blame you for my sheltered vision.

But I do blame myself for being stuck in my pit. I have built myself up on shame and fear. Shame for all of the moments I should have stood up for myself or for someone else. But I’m not smart with comebacks.

Shame for moments I tried to stand out and only managed to look foolish.

So many bad times being insulted for my acne, my weight, the way carried myself.
Insulting me. To my face. In my face. I rarely had a defense. How do I run from my past when this is the way people remember me?

I feel frozen in immaturity. Rage.

I can’t express the frustration as I grab at memories and words to describe them.

It’s useless.

TL;DR? Just know that I’m socially retarded  with no major accomplishments in my adult life to speak of. I don’t enjoy anything. Should I just relocate and start over? Should I become a wage slave? End it? I don’t care. I’m so indecisive but at the same time, apathetic.