I can’t believe I came upon this site 10 minutes before I went to work this morning…
Everyday is a struggle to go into work  just like everyday is a struggle to find one more reason to live another day.
I’m a 39 year old mother of 3, and their light that kept me alive in the past is slowly fading. I no longer find solace in their faces… In fact I can’t even look them in the eye anymore. I feel as though they’ve failed me, and I know damned well I have, and will fail them. I think it’s because I’m angry with them for keeping me here. But I wouldn’t want to be them, be with a mother like me, depressed, and happy from one moment to the next. I can’t imagine what goes through their minds. What’s better? A crazy mother or a dead one?
They of course don’t know what I think, but I can see it in their eyes, the sad, worried look. And I hate it. It’s the same look my fiance gives me when he says I’m being emo, and not in a fun loving way. I guess his look is more then sad, or worried… He looks at me as if I am a pathetic dog, in need of pats on the head and promises of treats, I hate that even more.
I have 3 children, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a finace that did something “not too many men would do”. He took a single mom with 3 kids, and tons of baggage into his life. Sigh…
I own my home, I have a great career, a car, friends and family that love me. And I don’t give a shit. None of them are really aware, they don’t realize how much pain I’m in. Why? Because I’ve become so good at faking it.
I’m tired now though, I’m 39 and as long as I can remember I’ve been looking for a reason to stay in this place of gloom. I’m done with doctors, and therapy, and medicine, and guru’s, and medicine men, and angel readers, and astrologists, and travelling to places of peace. It’s bullshit. Nothing works. I should not have been born. I don’t belong.
I don’t “get it”.
I don’t get this world.
I don’t want to be here.
I want 2sleep4ever.
I’m tired of faking it. They say my face is like an open book. If so, can’t they see I want them all to f off and stay away from me.
I hate myself more because I’m still here. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to feel guilty anymore for being who I am. I don’t want people to think I’m being “emo”.
I want to sit in darkness, and be alone and drink and smoke, and puff, and then decide… How?
4 comments
I feel for you, I really do, I know how the mind can eat up and twist even the most beautiful of realities. Even during the best moments of my life my brain has gravitated towards depression. I don’t have it good at all now but I believe that if my circumstances changed, I’d probably feel better.
You have things to live for so I wish I did so I wish you could see through the dark cloud of depression. I wish you well and I hope you feel better.
your children will always love you. always want you. unlike you, my mother hated me. but i still love her. she is gone, she let herself die. i still miss her. it was 15 years ago, i still wish she were here to reconcile with me.
your children would be better off if you felt better. but they would not be better off with you gone. better is always an option so long as you are around.
“i miss you mom”
@SilverTip…Well, hmmm…I am 33 and I have 3 children. I feel a lot of what you described and when I read it I was comparing it to how I feel. My children are probably a little younger than yours so I don’t see them look at me like that…yet, but I feel have totally failed them. I know the feeling of not wanting to wake up and being in the hell that we live in everyday. I want my kids to have better than what I am giving them.
I have isolated myself on purpose because I am tired of having to fake it also. So when you are alone, you don’t have to fake it so much. Everyone thinks I have it all together….if they only knew, I wish for death everyday….
I read a post on here a few days ago by Black Fairy. I was really hoping someone that knew more than me would comment on it but they didn’t