Well, here I am

I’m not going to make this poetic, I’m just going to be straight and explain how I feel and what I’ve tried.

I’m 19 years old and the last time I talked to a doctor to be prescribed medication for my “mild-moderate” depression was about half a year ago.

I tried fluoxetine (prozac) for quite some time, but ended up feeling less and less, which I noticed and depressed me further, so after some months of use I eased myself off it.

Now, last year was the best and worst year of my life. I met a girl, early on in uni who I liked and befriended, nothing more, but then realised that she meant more and more to me as the year went on.

I’ve known and had crushes on pretty girls all my life, but no one had ever made me feel like this before. She was beautiful, intelligent, and even her faults were appealing to me and make me smile even now. I still remember a day in March when the sun was shining down beautifully, and we just sat in the grass on campus and spoke together, and I will never forget how pure or natural that felt, till the day I die, be that near or far.

Later on we started dating for a while, which just made my life complete. Nothing else mattered, and everyone around me told me how happy I looked all the time. I had finally found out that the purpose of one’s own life is someone else’s (if that makes any sense).

Well let’s just skip the rest of the boring stuff, to when, after a few dates and a couple of months, after everything had been going so well, I asked her whether we could now officially call ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, to which she replied that we should just be friends (as if you hadn’t worked it out by now!). I said it was fine, smiled and left her house.

She then started talking to me less and less, until it would only be work related, and sometimes wouldn’t even reply to messages at all, which didn’t make me feel any better about the situation.

I then went on to write what must translate to about 10-15 pages of rambling on life and the awful feelings I was going through (which I know now are more extreme than anything I should have felt or have ever felt). I figured if I wrote down my feelings I could be more subjective about the entire thing, which might let me move on, but it didn’t, and those pages are still stuffed away in a box in my room to this day. I started looking up how to tie a hangman’s noose but eventually gave up on that.

Fast forward to the end of term, and as a leaving gift I give her a poster she had bought in Paris but lost during travel. She says that I can still email her over the summer if I’d like, which kindled something in me, but nothing major.

Over the summer we emailed a little (she lives abroad) and I worked on a job for three months that drove me to distraction, but worse is that the job was so simple, I could think about her during the day, and I often did on the way home.

Towards the end of the holiday, she tells me that she’ll be bringing me a gift that I’ll really like back, so I get her a little something too, but after replying once, there was then no more word from her for the last month of summer holidays, so any consolation that gave me dried up.

When I got back to my uni house, I sent her a message asking her whether she would like to have a chat before uni starts up again, but again, no reply. So I just left it at that.

It eats away at me every day, and I don’t even care about my future, if I can’t be with her anymore. It all becomes quite pointless…

This is why I had started looking into ********, as I remember having a suicide txt file, which spoke of ******** and other inert gases being a peaceful way to go, and then I found this site, which highlighted the possibility of being able to use helium instead (as ******** isn’t easily available for me).

I thought about talking to her about it, but then shrugged off that idea and decided if I’m going to go, I’ll just leave notes for everyone that needs it.

I would like to add that I know some people will be worse off, and I’ve heard all the usual bs from my parents that african children have it so hard, but it’s all relative, and when my mind becomes set on something, it really becomes set, unless it is forced out of my life with no chance of recovery (I missed out on a place for medicine, which was what gave me hope before love, in my life…). So now I am doing a decent degree, but will definitely end up at some desk job, wanting nothing more than to leave this world.

Not really sure how the site works just yet, but that’s my lot, if you could be bothered to read the whole thing.

I’d be surprised if anyone could change my mind, but if you could, I guess that’s great.

Thanks.