First of all, I am not an iminent danger to myself or others. I have been to the behavioral health unit against my will once and I will NEVER go back again.
I’m 44 years old. I am repsected in my community for some reason and most people think I am pretty together. All that said I am about at the end of what I can take. When do things get better? I have battled with this for years. I have been diagnosed as bipolar. I have tried numerous medixcations but now all I take is Xanax to keep me from getting to crazy. I won’t take any other meds. They don’t work. I used to think when _____ happens it will get better. When I graduate from high school it will get better, when I graduate from college, it will get better, etc. I have a house in a nice town. I am not in financial trouble. Most people would be lucky to have all I have. So when does it get better? I am so tired from fighting this battle my whole life. I am not sure how much longer I will last, but again I am not an iminent danger to myself or others. I see a shrink andf he knows this and hasn’t committed me yet. When does it get better? What is going to happen to make it better?
There is a place near where I work in the woods by the train tracks where a woman killed herself. She poisoned herself with household chemicals in her car. I often go right to where she park and think. I even picked up the police tape and some of the broken glass from her car where they had to break the window to get into the car. It is starting to get overgrown and she will be forgotten. She has left this life behind and her suffering is over. Why is it so bad to kill yourself? If someone was terminally ill and wanted to die it is called euthanasia. Why when you are bipolar and you will always be as there is no cure is it sucvh a horrible thing to kill yourself? I won’t get better. My whole life will be a struggle to get through each day. What’s the point of keeping going? We all die eventually. If someone wants to end their suffering why should they keep on living? Why should I keep on? When does it get better?
16 comments
Well I know advice like this is annoying but I’ll say it anyway.
Things usually don’t just “get” better. Yeah you can just play the odds and hope that if you wait around long enough, something good will enter your life. But most people will say you have to make it get better, not just hope for it. Easier said than done.
If you are not happy, that means something is missing. Step 1 is figuring out what exactly you feel is missing in your life. You might not be able to figure that out immediately. But being unhappy means that something is wrong, so you need to figure out what that is. And if/when you’re able to put your finger on what it is that you really want, then you have to come up with realistic ways to go about getting it instead of waiting for it.
If you realize you aren’t happy with your career, then do what it takes to switch jobs. If you aren’t married or in a relationship and that depresses you, be actively looking for someone rather than just hoping to bump into someone some day. If you are married or in a relationship and it’s not working for you, figure out how to fix it or if you need to move on from it. If you’re just bored in general, think of something you want to do and get a new hobby. Travel, go on a trip, buy a camera and start appreciating life through the lens, learn an instrument, etc etc. Get in shape, change up your diet, exercise, join a gym.
If you don’t feel like you are fully managing your bipolar, find someone to talk to about it. Are you even fully convinced that you have it? Sometimes I doubt the entire mental disorder idea and wonder if the medications just cause more problems than good.
Hopefully you can say yes to one of those things interesting you. Even if it’s scary or if you have some excuse not to try it, look at it this way, you think about ending your life. So if your dream is to travel all over the world but you feel like you can’t afford it, screw it, spend the money, you can’t take it with you when you die anyway.
I can piece together this advice from what I have heard and read for many years. It makes sense on paper but trust me I know it’s not that easy and I don’t always believe it myself. But the fact is you came to a site like this and you posted how you’re feeling. If you just wanted to die you’d go do it. Part of you is holding out hope that there is something to live for. So try to figure it out.
If you just keep living and wondering when it is going to change, it probably won’t. Things don’t have much of a chance to change when we just wake up and do our daily routine and go to work and come back home and watch TV. If something needs to change, you need to try to spark it yourself. Start small, take a different way to work, go for walks in the evening if you have a tendency to sit inside all evening. Call somebody who you haven’t talked to in a while and see if they want to make plans to do something. Sometimes there is no real bigger meaning to life than sitting down to a meal with someone and catching up and sharing a few laughs.
I appreiate your response. You are right. If I wait for something to come to me it will not get better. I am active in my community. I am active in a statewide organization. I am out about 4 nights a week at meetings. This is the only tiem I am really happy becasue it is an escape for me.
I do hate my job but because of financial constraints I am stuck.
I am married and I love my wife. She is a good person and good to me. But, I am bisexual. I like guys and guys like me. I often wonder if getting divorced and being with a guy will make it better. I dont know. I am scared totake the chance. It could be better but it could ne worse. I guess it can’t get much worse than it is now.
I try to be active and be involved but it doesn’t last. I will be depressed but then it will get better fora while and I feel better. However when I feel better I am unfortunatley very aggressive and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I go looking for fights. Someetimes I get my ass kicked, sometimes I kick ass. It is just getting worse. Not better. I am trying but it isn’t getting better. It just keeps going downhill. I am at a loss for what to do.
@Thousandcuts … that’s a brilliant answer. good job
@resistmuch – have you considered an anger management class? … i know i took one and it gave me alternatives on how to channel and redirect my anger, aggression and frustration. perhaps finding a better more positive way to manage your aggressiveness might change the stress and dynamics in your life. maybe finding the root of that aggression can be helpful.
have you explored your sexuality physically? or is it just a “feeling’? have you always “known”? Does your wife know about it?
not to say that i “know” anything … but it sounds like you’ve kinda got in a complacent rut and you need to find a way out of it … perhaps looking for new activities could help … out with the old in with the new type idea. perhaps going back to school to learn a new career.
Just thowing a few ideas out there – take them or leave them – you sound like someone who’s reflected on a lot of these ideas already.
idea dawg
My wife does know. I don’t even enjoy the sex. It is just makes me feel good that people want me. I knwo that is sad and pathetic but it is true. I have had sex with hundreds of people if not thousands. I don’t enjoy it. It just makes me feel good to know people want me.
I have had my problems in the past with drugs, alcohol, etc. I used to use and I would pass out hoping I wouldn’t wake up. I always did.
I appreciate you listening to all my crap and being so kind. You are a good person and I am very appreciative my friend.
I’ll be 50 this year. It doesn’t get better, just gets different. I force myself to participate in life with some limits. The teenage angst isn’t there, but the is-that-all-there-is feeling peeks in every now and then. I am currently struggling with medications. Xanax and klonapin are the only things that are currently keeping me functioning. Yes, I’m working with both a PhD and MD. Right now, even they aren’t enough. Depression sux.
You’re welcome – RM … i know there are a few others around here that don’t have a high priority on sex … i’m not one of them – i love sex … but i’m not consumed by it – i think we’ve all had similar feelings and struggles throughout life.
we all go through a period of searching to understand certain aspects of life … i’ve found it’s all academic (but interesting) … i’ve found that if i don’t dwell on the world overview and purpose and instead stay focused on my corner of it … i don’t get lost or disheartened … dogs are great for keeping one focused on the moment 😉
one step at a time dawg
Yes it does. So it doesn’t get better?
What’s the point in going on then?
Dawg, I have three dogs and they are great. They are what keeps me going.
I try to stay focused. I don’t want to change the world, just my little part of it, but it doesn’t help. “My life is a struggle” said Voltaire. Mine is too and I am tired of fighting the good fight and trying to carry on. At some point it is time to cash out when you are playing a losing hand.
I do appreciate your concern. Thank you. I hope you find happiness.
all life is a struggle … and everyone, even the richest and most blessed are holding a “losing hand” … no one here gets out alive … there are aspects to this world that i will do my part to affect change. if/when i’m gone, who will love my mutts? and who will give the mutts that have been rejected and tossed away like garbage a home?
I can’t make a difference in the world by saving one dog , but I can make world of difference for that one dog” … and the one after that … and the one after that … if not me, then who?
be the person your dogs think you are 🙂
perspective dawg
the funny thing is so-called evolved humans are forcing life onto people who don’t want to be here
I’m 24 and I KNOW I don’t want to be here, FFS .. why be bullied into staying alive ? alive for whom ?
then they (pretend to) wonder why some folks lose it
How long is a piece of strong. If you look around most few people have perfect lives at least my my standards anyway. They save their money so that one day they can live in a better house in a nice area or drive the car that they want. They want to their children to be happy and successful. None of these things are certain to happen and in most cases they are unlikely but all that counts is deluding yourself into working fiestas something that you deem makes it worth carrying on. Other people live in the moment and based their lives entirely on hedonistic logic. I have this tiredness at the back of my eyes and at pressure points in my head like a headache that never subsides and lasts for years wearing away whatever is underneath.
Toward not fiestas
I kniow how you feel. I feel like my heart has been slowly chipped away and there is nothing left inside.
I hear you.
String not strong. Damn phone