I couldn’t really think of a tittle for this, kinda like how I can’t think of a reason for this. People will read or they won’t, one or two might comment or they won’t. Even if they do I really don’t think it will change anything. But I guess I just want to find a way for me to just say what I’m actually feeling instead of just faking a smile all day. So yeah I guess this is my story or rant or whatever. I wish I was dead. I don’t want to straight up kill myself, although a big reason for that is because I know I would probably fuck it up and I don’t want to deal with that kind of a failure as well. I almost did kill myself a little less than a year ago, the only thing that stopped me was because of two of my cousins. They cared about me, they made me feel like some would actually missed me if I died. I cared about them more than the rest of my family and the idea of them being sad or crying because of something I did was really just terrible to me. I saw them twice since than and probably have become  maybe three times more attached to them and the same for them with me. Looking back on it I wish I did kill myself, I know they would have been sad and I hate that it would have happened but they wouldn’t have been sad for as long as they would be if I died now. I still hate myself when I say ‘they would miss me if I died’, I feel like I have an ego and I don’t like that. I’m starting to see a lot of me just talking about myself. I feel really self centered, my life probably isn’t  half as bad as I think it is or see it as but I’m just a whiny ***** and like to be a victim I guess. My direct family might miss me, it’s hard to tell. I have three older brothers who were all pretty much unique, the oldest one was a musician who always got into trouble and constantly got into trouble but now is making more money than any of my other siblings and is one of my parent’s favorites. The second oldest was also a musician but more of an athlete who was popular at school but never got in trouble. The third oldest is a genius, he has type one diabetes and is a big gamer. I can’t live up to any expectation set by any of them. I’m terrible at dealing with getting in trouble or public speaking or talking to groups of people I don’t know, the only sport I’m decent at is swimming which I do for my school but I’m average. I have two sisters as well, ones married and has a one year old baby now and the other is the only sibling younger than me but anyone who meets her loves her and any thing she tries she’s amazing it. She dances, plays instruments, sings, runs, swims, and is on honor roll. Pretty much she’s all the good traits of my siblings and I’m the bad ones. If I did kill myself at least it would give me something to have as my own haha. Shit I can’t even stay focused on this, anyone reading it probably has no idea what the fuck is going on. I just.. really can’t put into words how I feel or what it is that I want changed. I don’t even know what I want changed. All I know is I’m done with this life and I want out. There are SO many people out there who have it worse than me and yet are perfectly happy and yet here I am bitching about my life and wanting pity. I am so pathetic.
Someone once told me everyone is here for a reason. The only reason I see for me to be here is to be someone who just fills in an open spot. Like taking a fifth place in a race or something. Maybe the reason I’m here is be to one of those people that kills himself when he has no reason to. Saying people kill themselves for no reason is a lie though. No matter what you see or how you look at them you don’t know what’s going on in their mind. Kinda like how I convince people I’m all smiles when on the inside I want nothing more than to just fall asleep and never wake up. Well if you read this whole thing I’m sorry for wasting your time. I don’t feel any different after typing all this so clearly I didn’t achieve my goal of getting some of this off my chest.