Past three years of my life was a constant struggle with self-hate and  eating disorder. I can see no future  at this point and I want to end this pain but I don’t really want to kill myself. I still have some hope left, but I can’t take it anymore. I was crying today for like an hour and I was almost screaming and my parents didn’t notice. I have scars on my hands, even on my face and no one sees it. I hate it. I’m done here. I want someone to help me. I’m all alone with my problems, I am all alone with myself and I hate being me, I hate it. I hate that I can’t help hurting myself. No one loves me. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m almost 19 years old. People always give up on me very quickly. I’m not worth fighting for. I’m worthless. I don’t want to be like this but I see no way out. I don’t know what to do.
I’m afraid I will kill myself eventually. But I don’t want to. I’m so lonely.
2 comments
I’m in no position to give advice to anyone, but what you need to keep in mind is that, when you convince yourself that you’re worthless, people who might want to befriend you will most likely notice that you’ve given up on yourself and will stop trying. I know it’s hard not to hate yourself given what the reality’s like, but it won’t get any better if you don’t at least try… I feel so awful writing this, knowing that I don’t heed my own advice.
About your parents, maybe they’re too scared to react? Maybe they don’t know how to approach you and are afraid they might hurt you and push you deeper into self-hate by saying something wrong?
I know how much it hurts when there’s noone near to support you… I was so depressed once that I told my two (and only) friends to go away and never contact me again, selfishly hoping they’d realize that there’s something wrong and show me that they care… they didn’t. Now I’m all alone, every evening spent staring at the computer screen, thinking about the past and how I screwed everything up.
Anyway, I know I didn’t help much and that my comment was a mess, I’m sorry. Also, I don’t mean to overstep my bounds, but judging from your nickname, you’re Polish, aren’t you? Just asking.
I am Polish. Yes.
Thank you for your comment. Really. It was good to read it.
I’m sorry your friends left you. I’m afraid that people around me would do the same if they knew what I really am.
I think my parents don’t want to know, to see it. But even though they pretend not to, it doesn’t go away.