My emotions are so confusing.
Right now i am laying on my boyfriends bed, listening to wind chimes outside his window, feeling the heat in the breeze as it sweeps the scent of freshly mowed grass into his room.
And all i can think about is how wonderful my blood would look right now, running down my arm. The buzz from losing blood and self harming, the feeling of happiness.
Overall today i would say i was indifferent, which is a nice change from constant misery and helplessness. Today i could potentially feel happy. It’s as if happiness is just out of reach, it’s in the back of my brain, like a word on the tip of my tongue.
I hate that i don’t have a reason to be this depressed, i hate that people look at me and call me ungrateful. And it’s even worse when people list all the good things in my life to help me realise what i have to live for.
I hate that this depression cannot be controlled. I hate that when someone asks me “what’s wrong?” i don’t have an answer or a reason, i just want to die.
1 comment
Hello Solace,
I understand exactly what you are talking about…and your description of your surroundings was colourful…too bad you are blue. I don’t know the precise reasons for your depression…but I do know that cutting is not the answer…at least not the best answer. Why can’t you get up and enjoy part of the day…in spite of your apathy and see what happens. Perhaps a little bird will sing a song…just for you. Wish I could be more help…but cutting is not my self abuse of choice unfortunately. Have you thought about meds to help you through this depression…or therapy?
Ah Hell…go out and sit in a sunbeam…sunshine.
Peace
Amakua