i cant do this anymore. all i think about is ways to hurt you when you hurt me so bad emotionally. i love you so much that just a sorry from you could erase all the pain and agony you have caused but that is still too much for you to do. why do you care so little that you can say the things you say to me? im not stupid, and im not dumb. im sorry im annoying. im sorry i complain so much. but i just want you to open your eyes to what you do to me. im trapped. i cant get away from you. most of me doesnt want to and i dont know whats wrong with me. you say the meanest things and it makes me think of ways to end myself. ill close my eyes and imagine myself sinking under water in my bathtub and letting the warm water fill up my lungs. i think thats why i take so many baths when im upset. because i know i have the chance to be gone forever. but i always get out of the tub instead. i cant imagine you being with someone else, but why should i care? that girl would only be holding tears back behind the smiles like myself now. but why do i not want to give that away? i smoke weed at night when you make me so upset i cant even think straight, i clench my fists so tight to where my nails make marks on the palm of my hands. i close my eyes and think of my home town, sometimes im so high to where i can almost imagine me actually being there and it feels so great. i miss my home town so much, if i was there none of this wouldve happened. i wouldnt have hurt as much there with anything as much as ive been hurting now. i dont have any friends. youve managed to make it to where youre my only “friend”, there will be a time when it will come down to one of us coming to an end. will it be me, or you?
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Hey Trapped,
Look up the definition of the word misogynist…and quit blaming yourself. The things that your partner is doing…including isolating you (no friends etc.)…and the horrible untrue things he says are just the beginning. Don’t feel bad about you…that is what he is trying to do…tear you down and make you compliant and useful. Don’t believe what he is telling you….and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE as soon as possible. Love shoudn’t hurt.
It is no different than being groomed to be abused as a child…he is abusing you and you don’t deserve it…no one does. My first husband was a misogynist…and the abuse only gets worse. I’m lucky I made it out alive…by rights I shouldn’t have…but the emotional damage takes a lifetime to undo.
Homesick? Can you go home?
Here for you
Amakua
i looked up the word and you may be right.. he always disrespects women.
the more i wait to get out the more intense things get..
Hey trapped,
Sorry to be possibly right. Here is the hard part…if he thinks you’re thinking about leaving…things will get much worse…very quickly…as he tries to reassert control. So keep it on the down lo and get out as soon as possible. This is not your fault…but young ladies with self esteem issues are like candy to these assholes. More than likely he has mommy issues…again not your fault. But I also suspect you may have a few “dady” issues yourself. Hope I’m wrong.
So? Can you go home? If not…start finding out what is available for abused women in your area in case you have to make a run for it. Stay strong…stay safe. You don’t deserve this.
Good Luck
Amakua
you are so kind..
he does have mommy issues, he was left to fend for himself at a young age and quickly dropped out of school and started living with a teacher who took him in. i dont have daddy issues however, i just never got to be around my dad too much because he was deployed so much as well as my mom so i guess i do need someone to be there for me and not leave..
i feel like everything i try to decide he finds a way to twist it to control me. for example i told him i was going to get a tattoo finished up and fixed and he told me no he didnt want me to because he wasnt comfortable with it, so i got upset and told him i wouldnt do it then. and he told me no go ahead and “see what happens” and that i couldnt come home until i got it finished. its so confusing.. i told him i wouldnt get it and he told me i was being a stupid woman and a bunch of other names but i dont understand why he has to switch everything around on me when i said i was going in the first place.
im going to start slowing getting my things.. its exhausting the energy he takes away from me.
p.s, guess who doesnt have her tattoo finished and fixed up? its just a small example but hopefully you can see that this is how it is for EVERY little thing. he needs to feel as if every choice i make is because he planned it or said it was okay for me to do so.
Hey Trapped123,
Okay…so back to misogyny…hahaha. Ever see any of those old Maury Povich shows where the controlled women and their abusive husbands come on and Maury sends them to boot camp or whatever? That is your future sunshine…you are allowing your emotional and physical needs to overpower your reason…and slowly you will become what he says you are. If he is really good like mine was…he will even convince your friends and family that you are crazy…so you really have no one to turn to. Run sweetie…run!!!
I hope you get your tattoo fixed up…hopefully as an emancipation gift for yourself.
Two other things…hahaha…1) tried the bathtub…don’t bother…other than it is very peaceful and 2)I like me some weed too…hehehe…pass me that leftie eh? Got a prescription myself…just trying to make you jealous…is it working?…hahaha jk Where are you located? I like to share…hahaha
Seriously…don’t be scared…be aware…be sneaky…be smart…and get out. BTW you don’t have children do you?
Love to you
Ama