I’m 19 years old. I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. Although I sometimes I have moments where my depression alleviates and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I’ve recently found that light is on the verge of extinguishing.
Here’s a comprehensive list of the reasons why I want to die/ what the fucks wrong with me:
1. I graduated from college about a month ago. The college I went to is a special two year conservatory school in New York City, which I completed in a year and three months (I’m really smart). Â It’s not a degree earning program, but basically I can now transfer the credits I earned from that school to any other college in the country and start as a third year junior. Yay! However, I was broke by the time I graduated from this school and had to move back in with my parents until the spring semester starts in January so I can go back to college. Now this may not seem that depressing, but I’ll explain further.
2. My parents moved while I was in college. They moved to quite literally the middle of nowhere. I have no friends here, and I’m gay so I’m constantly looking over my shoulder for some lynch mob to come and attack me.
3. About two weeks ago, I was arrested for DUI. The problem is I’m innocent. I had only had two sips of beer an hour and a half before I got in the car (I really hate drinking), and had been making out with a man who had been drinking heavily. I was pulled over for a problem with my tail lights and the officer smelled alcohol on my breath. I turned down the breathalyzer, because I knew it would be a false positive since I was making out with someone who had been drinking heavily. My case is still in court, but I have this terrible feeling that I’m going to be found guilty even though I was not Driving Under the Influence.
4. If I’m found guilty, I’ll have to be put on probation. If that happens I won’t be able to go to college in January, or ever possibly. I can’t get a job here, because my license was taken away. If I can’t go back to school on top of that I’ll have absolutely no reason to live.
5. I also have a really bad history of cutting myself.
6. I’ve been raped once. But have never told anyone.
7. Never seen a therapist. I asked my mom if I could see one more than a month ago, I don’t think she has not been taking it very seriously. I told her that I was depressed and felt suicidal, she said she’s trying to find one but there’s problems with the insurance. What the fuck do I have to do to get help! Kill myself?
8. I have severe daddy issues. Because of that I’m very promiscuous. I’m 19 and I’ve slept with over 20 men. Most of whom are twice my age. I’ve let them do things to me that are disgusting and degrading, and I hate myself for it.
9. I’ve been depressed for so long, that for awhile I thought I might be a sociopath. This is because my depression usually results in me feeling absolutely nothing. I don’t care about anyone. And I act out in terrible ways. The only thing that tells me I’m not a sociopath, is that I can feel depressed.
10. I would have killed myself a long time ago if there was a quick and painless way to do it. I’m starting to care less and less about that though, give me long and painful as long as it means I’ll end up dead.
In conclusion, I want to die. I have no future. I hate what my life has been, and I hate the path that it’s taking. I see no reason to live. I can’t even tell you why I’m writing this, I guess I just want to hope that some stranger on the internet might be able to offer me a reason to live. I know it’s a long shot, but it really seems like all I have left. The truth is that I’m kind of scared to die, but my options are running out and that light is extinguishing.
4 comments
… I just happend to stumble upon this sight. Your title poped out at me, and I thought what the hell, lets read it. I got about half way done with your list, and my heart just crumbled. It sounds like you just need someone to talk to. In your last paragraph you said “I guess I just want to hope that some stranger on the internet might be able to offer me a reason to live.” Well im here to say that I want to be this person. Because sweetie your right around the same age as me, and I know it dosent seem like it, but there is SO MUCH to live for. So I would love it if you would talk to me.
I’m 16 in high school. I don’t have much time after all that reading at this point. Don’t think I don’t care about you… Please… I’m depressed myself and have developed a disdain for society and humanity in general. I had a situation with cops just last Sunday where they told me I’m genetically fucked up in the head and demonstrated oral sex. I hadn’t done anything illegal though, but won’t go into how they showed up. And just recently I talked to a detective investigating unprofessionalism and acting out of police, so I’m taking action. I’m disgusted by the way we function as society. I’m gay too. You can imagine how I don’t have any of an easier time giving you a motive to live, but I want you to talk to a therapist rather than people on the internet. There are so many people out there who I’ve met and overtime have grown to love me in my misery and self-pity. If you just keep moving and believing the promises life gets better after adolescence, you’ll realize there’s more to the world than what meets the eye at your moment in life.
Hello. Completely random stranger here. I found this site about 30 minutes ago because I was thinking there was going to be a lot of, ‘You’re valued and precious and beautiful.” Instead I see post after post about crazy, fucked up people just like me. And for some reason, yours means something to me. Don’t know why really. I’m not a guy, or gay or ever accomplished a thing like college. And I’m about 7 years older than you.
I suppose it’s the hopeless future. I mean, I gave up mine at 18 because I got pregnant with the guy I married on my birthday because I had religion crammed down my throat my whole life and wouldn’t move in with him unless we were married. And the only reason I married him was because I had no where else to go. Foster kid for 10 years and then thrown on the street does that. Takes your options.
So, I didn’t get to go to college even though I had a full ride. It’s pretty damn impressive that you at 19 have already graduated. Oh how I envy you. The DUI thing sucks and it’s stressful for you I’m sure, but they don’t actually stay on your record if you take their class. First time offenders thing or whatever.
It’s weird how different people respond to the same kinds of situations. My sister is promiscuous as well. I’m not. Yeah, I was severely molested as a child by my father and later, by teenage boys in the system but sex has never been pleasurable. Physically or mentally so I just dismiss it all together. But when I read books about feisty heroines and smexy hero’s…yeah, kinda turns me on, even though I’ll never actually get to experience that kind of intimacy.
Life sucks, I hate myself, I feel trapped in a house playing the good housewife and mother while dying a painful death inside. I used to have a passion and fire for life and then BAM! Snuffed. No more fire, no more life. Just a hollow, empty shell going through the motions. I stick around for my kids, but one day soon, I’m sure I won’t even be able to hold on for them. As soon as they don’t need me.
And if all this complete ramble has actually meant anything or made sense, bravo. Don’t give up because of a DUI, it happens but I seriously doubt it will stop you from going to school. Maybe if you killed someone or something then yeah. But not for making out with some random ass in a bar. And if you ARE getting some, make sure he’s hot. For me, the seriously neglected woman on the other end of this post.
Hi. I’m 19 too, but I’m a girl. I go to a nice college in California. I tried to kill myself last year, and my intoxication with death and the act of escape hasn’t left me in the slightest. I can’t give you a reason to live, because I can’t give myself one either. But I’m still here, mostly out of feelings of obligation to “loved ones.” I’ve learned that normal people (or the ones who are content to pretend) see suicide as selfish. I dislike and disagree with this, but I can’t prove it wrong.
I want to be your friend. I’m lucky; my younger sister is suicidal too, and we have each other. We’re depressed. But I’ve found that it helps to explore the culture of suicide. Poets like Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath know what we’re going through. Movies like the Virgin Suicides, Prozac Nation, and Girl, Interrupted explore suicide as an artistic expression, a beautiful, unnameable lust, rather than a plea for attention. Unfortunately, they all star women. It seems that pop culture assumes that only women experience the desire for death. They’re wrong. There’s a theory by the philosopher Freud on “drives” – the idea that humans are born with a life drive (a preordained instinct to live) and a death drive (an inherent instinct to die). I think that some people have stronger death drives than life drives; yeah, shitty things happen to everyone, but “normal” people go write a book about it and go to Harvard and succeed and survive. But I’ve crystallized my desires. I’ve found that I would rather die.
You’re not alone. Let’s be friends.