Its a feeling of falling… the thumping in your chest, the clenching of muscles…
I dont know where else to turn to anymore… i dont feel its depression anymore.. its a constant state of loneliness… I culd be standing in a room full of people, yet i will never feel more alone…
When i see happy people, others laughing, others interacting..socialising, it makes me free fall into the pit of emotion… i put on the mask for work, begging that i can out it off, and not loose it, it being the only thing i have left in my life, it being the only thing that keeps my roof over my head… however at the end of the working week it begins again.. two days of nothing… and it hurts not only physically, but mentally…
I have tried to make friends, i use online services to chat to people, but when it comes to meeting them in person two things can happen… Either im too embarrassed about myself and knowing i have no interests in anything, or i meet them, things seem ok… then i never hear from them again… its the ultimate rejection… and again im free falling into that oblivion…
i tend to buy materialistic things, and for a while it makes me feel good.. but that darkness creeps over… i can only feel like this for so long… i have no where to turn, and the few people i talk to tell me to get out there, join social clubs, and keep telling me things will change… it hasnt….
I guess im lucky in the fact that i fear dying… but i dont think its far off till i manage to conquer that fear… but when i do, ill be free of this madness and free of the pain that haunts my every waking moment…
2 comments
Your life right now sucks. It will continue to suck for a while, but, there are things you can to do make it suck less, and even give you moments of joy.
I think about suicide every day. I consider myself a dry suicide, like a dry alcoholic. Given the “proper” stimulus and drugs and momentary despondency, I would kill myself. But I don’t think this is the right decision. In part because of the blow it would deal to my loved ones, but mainly because I think that another year of being sad most of the time is fine if (a) I can have the presence of mind to take myself somewhere beautiful (tell me your musical tastes) and after that I can get a mate and a career and a family. Which happens for most people, even borderline-Aspergers faggots like me.
I wish the best for you, and I suspect that best is at least marginally better than non-existence. JL
@SleepReaper: Your post describes my situation very well, too. Maybe we could be email friends? I don’t need a friend to have exciting or fun things to share. I’d just like to know there was someone I could look forward to communicating with–not even every day, but just periodically.
As I read your post I though, “Yes! That’s how I feel!” So if there are those of us who feel the way you describe, why are we so very, very, very, deathfully alone? Why aren’t we consoling each other via a supportive community?
I’ll check back to this post to see if you’re interested. If you’re not, I totally respect your decision. Either way, I wish you peace.