All i can ever remember in my life is pain both of the physical and emotional nature. Every day i wake up thinking i am not worthy of facing the world and that the world would be just better of without me. This feeling haunts me all day, draining me of everything i have i feel limp like my soul could just fly out my body any minute..I never actually feel like a human. I cant even control my emotions its just like a roller coaster ride to get threw a single day, what lame excuse for a person cant even keep there emotions in check for 24 hours? im a wreck a wreck not worthy of my place on this earth..i dont even want to be on this earth..the only thing that attaches me to my body is the constant physical pain i suffer headaches 24 hours a day for years and years on end..cant even sleep because the pain is so excruciating i just lie there silently screaming..not like anyone would care if they heard anyone..but i assume these headaches are a punishment for the awful person i am..but im sick of being punished im to weak for this, i cant go on, this can only end one way. and its going to end soon i hope because i cant take this much more…too much its too much.
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Sounds like you’re punishing yourself, Loren, for whatever perceived or real mistakes you’ve made. If I can be frank with you momentarily, that’s silly. Whoever told you that you weren’t allowed to make mistakes in life was dead wrong. We’re all broken somewhere, and we’ve all screwed up at one point or another. No one is blameless, so continuing to hold yourself to such an impossible standard is unfair to you.
Physical pain bends the mind in ways nothing else really does. I understand what it’s like to not sleep; it’s like living without food or water. It’s been at least 2 and a half years since there weren’t bags under my eyes. You can’t expect to be able stay stable when you can’t sleep. That’s no fault of your own.
You have the right to end your life on your terms, but make sure it’s what you really want. If you want something better you can always have it. It may not be what someone else has, but it can be better than what you have now. If you don’t feel peace about ending your life, you shouldn’t.
I agree with Letmesleep.We all mistakes in life.That’s how we grow into the people were meant to be.Ask yourself though,”Is taking my own life really worth it?” Just think about all the good stuff you’ll be missing out on in life.I know.I’ve been in that position you’re in right now,but God helped me to see the good in life.I had to keep walking through the tunnels to find the light.There’s a light at the end of your tunnel.Don’t give up.Have you been to the doctor for your headaches?That should be checked out.I wish you the best life has to offer.You can get through this.
I feel as though me as a person is a mistake.. those who do not contribute to earth in shape or form and simply burden others by there presence are not worthy of this land and thats me. I try to trick my mind into thinking i am worthy but there is no way of getting over the truth.
In terms of good things in the future, although i see where your coming from in my nearly 20 years of life i struggle to remember one good memory..i mean im sure i have some time way back in my childhood, but depression and dark thoughts are more powerful i guess. And in terms of seeing a doctor regarding the headaches i have seen many over the years but a solution is never found which just brings more and more despair and again adds to the feeling of whats the point of going on as nothing ever seems to improve just deteriorates deeper and deeper.
Loren, I hear where you’re coming from. I was diagnosed with major depression and Bipolar by age 7 and begging my mother to kill me by age 12. I’m 27 now, and I’ve been doing this suicide gig for 20 years. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like you don’t have any pleasant memories. Unfortunately, I was misdiagnosed, and a lot of the time that could have been spent helping me was wasted on a false diagnosis.
Is it possible that you may not be on the right medication or have the wrong diagnosis? I understand you feel hopeless, but have you considered that there are things you haven’t tried? No one wants to live in suffering, and I would agree it’s a waste to do so. I can’t speak for physical pain, I’m not a doctor, but I have a good deal of confidence in the idea that we can help people on an emotional level. There may be reasons you feel like you do. I didn’t understand a lot about myself until maybe the last couple years, essentially when I was 25. I was diagnosed properly and now a lot of it makes sense.
You have value Loren, I wouldn’t waste my time if you didn’t.
Sorry to hear that, I never realised you could be diagnosed with a mental disorder at such a young age? and thanks for sharing parts of your story, i can relate to where you are coming from. I believe deep down that im more likely suffering bipolar than depression, i mean im no psychologist. Its just id say 50% of the time i feel like i do now depressed wanting it all to end etc but then the other time i feel confused like i dont even no who i am, like my mind is a million different people. I just want to be one person with one mind and sometimes it seems there is no way and achieving this other than in death, I know that sounds stupid but thats how my twisted brain works.
Sorry, Loren, I had to step into another thread to discourage someone else from posting their picture on here. I get antsy waiting 😛 Are you saying you haven’t been diagnosed? There’s no way to fix a problem you haven’t identified. I don’t think wanting to end suffering is stupid; it’s actually highly rational.
Do you literally feel like there’s multiple people or were you just trying to describe your feelings?
Thats alright…and well i got diagnosed with depression with a few years back but nothing was really done to solve the problem, like i dont really have the funds to see a psycholist or anything.
“Depression” is a pretty vague diagnosis they gave you. Bipolar is characterized by both highs and lows. There’s the depression side of the lows, and the mania side of the highs. The confusion you mentioned might be mania. Would you say you have racing thoughts sometimes? In any case that’s really rough not to have the funds to get help. I wish there was something that could be done about that 🙁
Wouldnt really say i actually feel like multiple people in my head more my feelings..like in a hour period i could go from being the ‘happiest’ ive been in years to being angry to being depressed to frustrated to nervous to uncontrollable crying..
yeah i often have racing thoughts and no matter what i try i cant stop them, it gets to a point where they are going so fast around my head that i think im going to black out i mean i dont know how that works but yeah/
Yeah..that sounds like Bipolar. It’s the extreme and unstable mood swings. That’s a really tough thing to deal with. I was first diagnosed with Bipolar myself because when I was a kid I’d have these super charged mania sprees where I’d just be bouncing off the walls and making the same noise over and over for 30 minuets. As I grew older I was left only with the depression side; I don’t have highs, just lows. All along doctors questioned the legitimacy of my Bipolar diagnosis because I didn’t display the mania side for many years. I’m really sorry you’ve got this going on, it’s so hard when it feels like your mind attacks itself.
Related to lack of funds, are you still living with your parents? Do they know how much your struggling? I wonder if they realize how important your mental health is.
Sorry, I wasn’t accusing your parents of neglect, I was musing about the possibility that there hadn’t been sufficient communication about how bad things feel for you. Maybe if they understood how hard it is they’d find ways to get you to a doctor. You can tell me if I’m right or wrong about that.
Im sorry to hear about your long struggle for the right diagnosis. Has the treatment your on now improved your quality of life? or is it still a daily struggle for you?
And yes im still living with my parents they know to a certain extent, but i guess they are still largely oblivious or unwilling to accept how bad its affecting me..
By the way thanks for responding to me its actually been pretty refreshing to know someone is willing to listen i have never had that my entire life.
That’s ok, thanks for caring. Right now I’m not undergoing treatment. In all honesty, I’m on this site for a reason, just like everyone else. My situation is rather complex, but that’s ok, I’d really rather talk about you. I’m at the point where other people’s words and support don’t help, but helping others gives me a temporary reason to live. I actually have the support, money, and knowledge to get myself help and I’ve chosen not to. That’s where the complexity lies: I have a philosophical aversion to life. I’m an existential nihilist and a living contradiction 😛 I do struggle daily, but it’s literally by choice. That choice is a very complex one. Moving on!
I can say that I did have a brief period of my life where medications were working and depression was not totally destroying my life. I had other problems, but depression wasn’t really one of them. Unfortunately another doctor took me off those medications and that’s when I began to spiral downwards like never before. I am actually a pretty firm believer in medication because I’ve experienced the benefits myself, but in reality my BPD diagnosis requires cognitive therapy as well.
In terms of your parents knowing..Loren you can’t do this by yourself. You HAVE to let them know. You have to make them understand because no one can help you if you don’t. I really believe medication can help you. Can you tell me a little bit why they haven’t taken notice? Is it because they don’t want to believe it or because you’ve hidden a lot of your problems?
And you’re welcome, I’m glad to talk to you. I visit forums with a lot of my time these days, but none of them really discuss what I want to. Suicide is as normal part of my life as breathing. This kind of thing is what I’m interested in, and quite frankly, I’ve always liked to help people. Making your life easier in little ways makes mine easier in little ways 🙂
Oh okay and your entitled to have that view i understand. But seriously like even though i know your on here for your own reasons, but what your doing listening and trying to help others is a good thing your doing,
And although i understand your reasoning for medication im still wary of it.
The situation is somewhat complicated with my parents, il try and explain but by the end of it you will probably think my parents are complete pricks and dont care at all but thats not it they do in most aspects its just there not wanting to accept me for having a mental illness, like all my life they and all my family have seen me as a ‘naughty’ child as you will then a attention seeking teenager, but thats not it all.
From the age of around 14 i have been self harming for about two years it was just occasionally but from when i was 15-16 i had the worst year of my life and i just felt completely crazy and was just crying out for help that i would cut several times a day in obvious places hoping my parents would notice and help me but even though im certain they saw them they couldnt of not they said nothing, they didnt want to believe it. That year i constantly told my mum how much i hated being alive and such but again she just dismissed it as teenage mood swngs or whatever. even now my parents can see im hurting i tell them im hurting but they do nothing to try and help and im just not strong enough to do it on my own.
I’m glad to help Loren 🙂 Honestly, there’s nothing to be wary of in regards to medication. If you have imbalanced chemicals in your brain that you have no control over, doesn’t it make sense to balance them? That’s what medication does. I understand you recognize that there’s some stigma involved with mental problems, but there really shouldn’t be. You aren’t crazy, and none of this is your fault.
Here’s the reality: lots of parents see their children as mini versions of themselves, and in some way we are. In their minds, if you have a problem, that must mean THEY have a problem. This is why some parents refuse to recognize a problem, because they think it says something negative about themselves. They are essentially ignoring it because they fear it. However, what you need to do is show them that your disorder doesn’t need to be feared. Medication can really help, and you can function just as well as anyone else.
The stigma regarding mental illness (I hate that phrase, I think it should be changed to something less threatening. You aren’t contagious), is an old one. People have been fearing mental problems since time began. We can combat this stigma with real information though. People are afraid of things they don’t understand, so make them understand.
Have you ever tried printing out some information about Bipolar Disorder? If they see your symptoms then see the FACTUAL information that science has given us on the disorder, maybe they’ll take it more seriously.
I wanted to post that to make sure you knew I wasn’t gone. I wasn’t totally finished. Medication DOES often have side effects and it will likely take a ton of trial and error to find the right ones for you. Everybody’s biochemistry is different, so there is no “one size fits all” medication. You just need to find something that helps you feel better with tolerable (or possibly no) side effects. You aren’t crazy Loren, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your parents’ attitude towards your problems are somewhat ignorant. They may be good to you in other areas, but this is an area where they need to grow. You can help them with that.
I was so ashamed as a teenager because of my disorder, and I hated myself for it. As I grew older I began to be confident about my issue and didn’t treat it like it was something bizarre. It just was what it was, and I was still me regardless of my imbalance. I’m still incredibly intelligent, I’m still really nice, my disorder doesn’t define me. By not letting your disorder define you, you can help others see that you’re really not so strange. If it’s not big deal to you, others aren’t as likely to treat it like a big deal.
my fear of medication more stems from a few people i know going even more crazy when on it such as seeing trains coming towards them, And yeah i agree with what you mean about parents seeing themselves in you and yes i dont like the term mental illness either ha. and yeah i might try that thanks 🙂
I mean “not a big deal” in a positive way, not in a “let’s ignore this” way. I’ve been up all night so I’ve becoming less coherent.
Mmm, yeah, like I said, different people react differently to certain medications. You may very well have a bad reaction to a medication, but then the solution is to just go off it. There is a lot of trial and error involved with getting medicated, but as long as you realize the end goal is to get you feeling better, it’s easier to tolerate a bad medication on the way to the good ones. You can always stop taking something if you hate how it’s making you feel.
yeah thats true. But then theres the whole issue of what a mess will be left even if i do get better i will still be left with nothing and no one. So thats what makes me question if its really all worth it in the end anyway.
Well, Loren, that’s another issue entirely. It’s true, life isn’t going to magically work itself out for you, but when you don’t have to combat extreme moods swings it’s so much easier to deal with your problems. You’d have a lot more emotional energy to spare when you don’t have to use it all just surviving. In the end, you can always still make the decision to die, but wouldn’t you rather make that decision when you can objectively weigh the options? Right now everything sucks, and you’re in stupid amounts of pain. If you got your biochemistry under control, maybe it wouldn’t be worth it anymore to die.
Trust me, I hate it when that line is tossed at me, but there’s some merit to it. I still support your right to die at the time of your choosing, suffering or not, but I think help exists for you. Very little has been done to combat your problems, in fact, they’ve been ignored. It’s no wonder you feel like crap. Other issues will be their own battles, but try to take it one thing at a time. If you have any regrets about ending your life right now, I’d say give it some more thought. Suicide is the final answer, and it be something you do when you’re absolutely sure you’d rather die than live.
Yeah i know i want to fight to find a solution but i have no energy to fight, i guess im dreaming if im hoping one day il wake up and be able to find the energy to seek help. Many times in the past have i wanted to kill myself, god knows how many times i have set the date for it, but im still alive today so i guess deep down inside something is still fighting inside me to stay alive, I guess i will need to try and find what it is and use it to get help…one of these days.
I guess i need to plan my attack on how to beat this, but thats the problem i dont have the energy to move never mind having to think about the future, i still have the attitude that i dont deserve i future.
Honestly, I hear a lot of myself in your words. I understand what you mean when you say you don’t feel like you have the energy to fight anymore. You’re stronger than you think Loren, you’ve made it this far already. I, like you, have set the date many times. I’ve even tried. I swallowed a bunch of bottles of pills in woke up in a hospital 3 days later. I’ve been locked up 6 times in the last 4 years. I get where you’re coming from.
In terms of plans of attack, the best thing to do is to get those around you involved. Think of how much easier it would be if your parents understood you. Think how less isolated you’d feel if SOMEONE realized that you’re not so different from them besides a stupid chemical imbalance? You’re not an alien, 1 in 4 adults in America suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder. That’s over 75 million people. Sound strange? Look it up 🙂 Just because people waltz around undiagnosed doesn’t mean that their problems aren’t there.
I support suicide in some cases Loren, but I don’t support doing so because you think you’re worthless. You are not worthless. You are NOT worthless. You deserve a future just as much as anyone else. You’ve told yourself so many things that just aren’t true. You are valuable. You are lovable. You don’t have to settle for this absolute horse shit. They may not understand you now, but maybe someday they will. You are not alone in the world, there are others who understand you, even now.
Well i sound silly complaining when you have suffered so much wose than i have in your life.
Although, even if i do tell my parents it is unlikely they will do anything to help, my father in particular is one of the reasons which i felt so little of myself initially.
And thats so many people, but shame i dont live in america 😉
Thanks for your kind words, i only hope one day i can believe that im not worthless, i have been made to feel like it for so long. But i people do understand what im going through and like you have expereiced much worse than i could ever imagine.
It’s not silly at all, your pain is just as legitimate as mine. If anyone understands what it’s like to live with depression, it’s me. I get you, and I empathize with your struggle.
It’s really hard to reverse your opinion on yourself when people have been programming it into you for a long time, I agree. The reality is if you weren’t worth my time, I’d have gone to bed by now. It’s 6:38 AM here. I’m really sorry your father has said or done things that have hurt you. My father always said “hurt people hurt people”, and I think it’s true. It’s a shame when people take their inadequacy, hurt, or anger out on others. I wish the world was a gentler place, but it’ll never get any better if we don’t put in our own effort to make it so. We both have had some struggles the other hasn’t had to deal with, and neither is more or less important.
What has your father said that made you feel small?
On second thought, you don’t have to say if you’re not comfortable doing so. I realize I’ve tied you up for at least a couple hours. It’s totally up to you, I just didn’t want you to feel like you had to talk about anything.
ohk, but you need some sleep! its 1:50am here.
And your farther is a wise man for saying that.
That is very true guess how does the saying go, you get out what you put in.
And nothing horrendous or anything, just the things he has said over the years add up. He is rather immature really most adults when fighting with their young kids act like the parent not myn. Since as far back as i can remember when we got into a argument he told me he hated me, i was ugly, fat, no one would ever love me etc…they only seem like small things now but when your a young girl such comments make a huge difference, and being put down by someone so close to you is what was the catalyst for the start of my spiral downwards i think anyway.
Wow, no those are not small things. Those are incredibly hurtful words spoken from someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally. No words I can say are going to undo years of abuse, but I want you to know that abusive people will do and say anything to hurt you, even if they aren’t true. I can’t objectively say I know you well, but I think honesty is one of the greatest qualities someone can have. You’ve been completely honest and vulnerable with me, and I respect that. Very few people can admit they’re broken. $100 says your father wouldn’t be strong enough to lay out his struggles like you have.
I don’t think it’s strange at all that you feel the way you do about yourself based on the things he’s said to you. Tell yourself the truth though. Tell yourself that you have every right to live, and it’s not up to him to determine your worth. If you ever get a chance, I responded to someone else earlier tonight in the thread on the next page titled “What Have I Done Wrong?”. I think a lot of what I said can be applied to you. Self image has to be decided by yourself. People can influence, but in the end it’s up to you to determine who you are. You’ve suffered so much, don’t let someone else take your identity too. It’s yours.
yeah thanks for your kind words, the world would be better place if there was more people like you on this earth.
I’m getting pretty sleepy Loren, it’s been great talking with you, it really has. I’ll probably be around the site in the future, and if you ever want to flag me down feel free to do so. I’d love to talk to you whenever you want.
And you’re very welcome. You deserve a better hand than life’s given you so far, and I hope things get better for you. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m always willing to listen.