no hope.

hi im nicole and im 14:) ehm down really know where to start. i suppose so much has happened in the past few years its hard to know where to begin.
well a few years ago i was your average child, happy, fun loving and the type of person who could have a laugh. this all changed when i was in 6th class i found out that everything in my life was a complete lie. my mam and my ‘dad’ lied to be for 12 years.. i suppose thats when started to get depressed. i felt betrayed, lied to and wondering was anything they ever told me real? well when i was 12 i found out my ‘dad’ wasnt my real dad, yeah he was there when i was born but he wasnt who i taught he was.. he was a lier… i found out i had a twin brother.. i didnt know i even had a brother. i was too ashamed to tell anyone, what would they think of me? so because people saw i was weak i was bullied, that one group i wanted to be in just bullied me so much that i went into deep depression, i was called fat ugly tramp whore and worthless, i believed them still do.. 6 months after i found out about my dad he was diagnosed with cancer.. my life just went down hill.. i wished my dad would be ok but he wasnt.. he was getting worse everytime i saw him.. i went into first year constantly worried about my dad calling my brother between classes to see if my dad was ok.. he wasnt in Febuary of first year my dad passed away, i was in denial, wondered why this was happening to me, i didnt tell anyone i taught theyd laugh at me like they always did.. i was still being bullied and in my eyes things were getting worse and worse i had suicidal taught but, i never done it.
in second year things were going ok i had new friends friends that well they were tough so i taught by hanging around with them that people would be afraid to mess with me.. it worked for a while and everything was ok i was still missing my dad.. and then one day i got a phone call while out with friends to say my brother had been shot. russian rulette they said.. it was unfortionate, i just couldnt take everything anymore i was in such bad depression i has no one to turn to. not one person cut me some slack. i was in bits in tears every night and things were getting worse and worse. i couldnt tell anyone.. not at this stage so i bottles it all up.. everything.. at one stage i just couldnt get myself together to go to school.
i moved this summer to a little village and i taught things would get better because i knew everyone they were mostly family, but things went the opposite way, i missed my old friends i missed my old life, i started slitting.. and suicide was always on my mind. i started getting happy though my life was ok i had family by my side.. or so i taught.. a rumour started going around about me saying bad things about my family, i didnt but of course that wasnt believed.. i knew what it was like to be an outsider but nothing like this.. i was diagnosed with depression.. i had to go counselling nearly everyday.. things were getting worse i was crying every night.. i was getting texts every night calling me a **** a ***** and that i was no longer theyre family.. that hurt it really did, but i tried to kill myself and that was made a laugh of i tried to get away from it all. i couldnt, no matter what i done i was judged, i still am being judged.
all this has taken my happiness away, and i dont think i will ever get it back, theres alot of lessons ive learnt in the past while the one that really hurts is family doesnt matter anymore. i still get texts everyday and i still get told that i should kill myself. the only thing that keeps me here is my best friend. i dont think she realises that she has saved my life so many times, shes always been there for me and shes the one person i know is true to me.
my pain is here and the memories of happiness and truly gone, i want people to know that im not ‘attention seeking’ i am just sick of whats happening, sick of the names the hassle and the fact that i cant be happy. i want to old me back but i know for a fact shes gone forever.