Only 2 things stop me

I work an hour away and this asshole named M who I have not worked for in over a year won’t stop halting any hopes of a transfer for jobs I would have done well and am qualified for. I have aspergers syndrome so I cannot make friends and no one has ever loved me starting with my father. Everyone in my life has abandoned me. I was just dumped by a boy named B who I was actually myself around and thought it was a healthy dating relationship. He gave me this look…it was as though he was looking right through me. As though I had meant nothing to him. It was as if nothing had ever happened.  I have nothing to live for.

So congrats M and B. Thanks to the two of you I’m really going to do this. It’s been coming all of my life but I needed that push. Only two things stop me right now. I want to do the bag over the head with the sleeping pills, vodka, codeine (I have a whole bottle for this) but I want to change it up and use helium in the bag because someone here said it only took a few seconds to pass out. I’m worried that I will lean over and throw up. I have read this happening. Is there any way that I can keep myself from throwing up? I would jump in front of a train or off of a building but I am a chicken and the violence of it is really showy. I want to go quietly and with little fuss from anyone.  I looked up how long it takes to die in a garage with the car running but it sounds like it takes too long and you are awake for most of it.

Then there is my dog. I love her more than I’ve loved anything and I know she loves me. She’s the only creature who has. I hate leaving her, it kills me to do that to her. She is one of those attached lap dogs that follows me around the house and hates everyone else. My mother could take her but she smokes and is a horrible pet owner.  That means there is no one to take care of my dog. Really, I have no one that could give her the attention she needs/deserves.

I see the world so happy. I want that so badly, I wish I were normal enough to have it. I cannot wait to be dead so I won’t be aware of anything anymore. When my dog dies, I will do it but she is young and I cannot be in this much pain for much longer.