self loathing

I first became familiar with this title when I sought homeopathic remedies to a holistic view and cure for my lack of self love. The homeopathist said she was having trouble finding a ‘remedy’ for the self loathing part in me. I thought that was a bit extreme and she asked “what would you call attempted suicide”! I was dumbstruck. I knew I had to find a better relationship with me, but I hadn’t considered the essence of my problem. I have since switched over to the therapist in their organization and have tried to come back from the edge of self-destructiion. Unfortunately the self-hate has had many years to bury itself deep within me and I am constantly being reminded of the insidious ways that my real feelings about me come out. I’ve always had a voice inside that says “you can take more pain, for I always have suicide to fall back to as relief from that pain. I unfortunately married a woman whose first husband did commit suicide. It seemed we had much in common and a relationship that promised to heal both of us. Well, we don’t always feel attracted to a person for good reasons and after much hurt, marriage counseling, several separations, and last year finally divorce (that I am thinking was self-protection on her part) I find myself alone and in even closer touch with the self-perceived failure to be acceptable and worthy of love. I now am searching for and trying to interject self-love into my spirit. I have a good therapist to talk to periodically, but no one that knows my journey and is capable of listening when thoughts of trying to succeed at suicide seem to be the answer. I constantly chide myself for failing the last time, but the retained concept of self-destruction has elicited a response from the universe that seems to be trying to show me the cost of self-loathing with increasing damage to my physical body. The last communication from the universe left me with multiple broken ribs and a crunched pelvis. I am beginning to be scared of myself, for I can’t seem to internalize a consistent sense of self-love and the lessons I receive from my effective dialogue with the universe is getting more intense. I’ve been searching sites on self-love, tips, and affirmations; but I seem to refuse to cut out situations in my life that reinforce the feelings of self-hatred. I am totally confused as to how such horrific attitudes towards myself are actually real and have taken such root in my soul. Today I Googled ‘coming back from suicide’ and found this site. I read several posts and although I realized intellectually that there are others like me out there I never had the stories available to actually take in. although many seem to be worse journey’s than mine I don’t think there are differing degrees of self-desruction in the end so I joined the project and here I am. The responses seem heart-felt and I won’t get the glazed-over eyes when I think I’ve found someone to talk to when the desire for release from this insane world seeps up from the depths. I had stopped even trying to find someone to talk to for it only hurts more and further solidifies the need for escape from the whorl of camouflaged thoughts in my head that makes suicide seem preferable. Heavens – I have to stop.