this is my story

I was 10 when my Dad died of cancer. This basically ruined my life from then on. Within 6 months, my Mum had begun sleeping around with men and rejecting me as her daughter. This caused daily arguments which weren’t only shouting but violence too between us and my brother. When I was 13 my Mum attempted suicide 3 times. She wasn’t given any help except some anti-depressents for a month or two and as you can guess, she soon went back to her old self. Now, she has made the rest of my family and most of my friends hate me and stop talking to me yet the fights continue. I am completely alone. When I was 14 I began self-harming to try to get away from the pain my Mum was causing me. I am turning 15 in one month and my friend’s and school nurse recently helped me to stop self-harming, it only happens once every few weeks now, but since I stopped my suicidal thoughts have been worse than ever. I fantasize about jumping in front of a train but I know I’ll never have the guts, so instead I wish I would get a disease or be involved in a disaster and be killed instead. I know it’s wrong, there are so many dying people who would do anything to stay alive, but I need a way out.