A few days a go, I finally got the guts up to break apart my razor and start cutting, because I was tired of feeling empty, just misery and nothingness, I wanted the rush of endorphins…I wanted to feel something new, anything new. I’m diagnosed as seriously depressed, I’m on medication for it but since dating someone after getting on the medication, thinking she was truly all and everything, wanting to marry her, have kids with her and start a life with her and then losing her the drugs aren’t enough…i’m back to my old cycle of happy for a while, sad for a lot longer…right now it’s just sad. I’m struggling with my studies like I did last year because of this abject hopelessness, the happiness and clarity doesn’t stay long enough these days for me to write essays…am I Bi-polar? I find enjoyment…I say in enjoyment, distractive interest in intelligent pursuits such as the finer points of Lord of the Rings and such, but everything else seems pointless, I just don’t know what I want anymore. I’m angry, I just feel like the only reason I’m fucking staying alive is for my family so they don’t have to deal with that grief but I feel, if this life is just a constant stream of misery I should just end it, because the good days increasingly lesson and everything seems hopeless..fuck this.
I’ve wanted to kill myself a few times, tried twice but not actually succeeded…obviously, just eugh the abject apathy and nothingness is overbearing…brave faces are getting harder to do again to…