whatever

I think I can relate somewhat. You seem to be suffering and I’m sorry for that.
I don’t like what I see in the mirror either. I spend most of my free time thinking about my actions and reactions that I took the previous day. I feel like I’m so stupid, and I’m good at hiding it. I’m the best actor there is I think. On the outside I look normal and everything is fine, but inside everything is a constant struggle to just stay sane. I am so unhappy and I have no meaning in my life. I have a pretty fun job, some friends, and I play music (which is very important to me) but I’m so generally unhappy with my life. I go through the motions of accommodating people who make small talk and I go through the motions of living life in the most normal way possible. Lately I’ve been thinking about some quotes that I’ve heard and agree with about live. Life being the thing that happens when you’re waiting for moments that never come. Well, I’ve made plans for my life, I have some expectations on what I want my life to be, and I know that right now is a time I should focus on but I’m just so generally dissatisfied with myself…I am trying to find meaning but can’t. I don’t know what would make me happy. Ever since my last girlfriend broke up with me (my fault) I have tried to get her back and finally the realization that it’s an impossibility, just leaves me empty inside and without hope. It used to be that there was an end in sight. We had plans with each other. We were both working toward something. Now it’s all gone. I’ve been without her for like 9 months, and she’s in France while I recede in NYC. I’m a bartender and a musician, I live with a girl, I have a dog…But everything is grey….Food has no taste, I have no desires to do anything. I miss her so much. There’s been a few girls since her, only to drown out the motions on what I should be doing. My girlfriend now is fun, cute, a musician as well. She makes me laugh but she can never live up to who the girl of my dreams were. My last girlfriend. She was my everything…But see, I have this problem, that everything that means anything to me, I destroy and smash into pieces. Just like our relationship. We’ve worked on it and I had the ability to make into something special but I fucking smashed it with my stupidity. Sometimes I feel that I should just get the balls to do what I want to do which is to fucking end it all because I hate everything about myself. She was the only thing that gave me real purpose.