Why can’t I do it?

I have been wanting to die for so many years now, it’s unbelievable even to me.  Every nite I beg, I pray, I wish, I desire, I plead, and yet, the next day, I’m still here.  When I think of the bazillions of GOOD GOOD people who have died for every reason out there, it makes no sense to me that people like myself and others – who don’t want to be alive – but yet we are!

I cry because I’m not dead!  There have been so many days/nights when I felt so strongly that ‘this is it, today is the day, I can’t do it anymore’.  And again, I’m still here.  I have long ago past the point of wondering if I will or thinking about it or considering the options or considering the ‘survivors’.  And I’m over all of that.  None of that crap matters, not to me and not to anyone else.  It’s no longer a question of will I or not, but only a question of when.

In honesty,the ONLY reason that I am still here is because of my dog.  He is the only living creature in my world and I love him dearly.  I’ve had him for 12 years and I cannot imagine him with someone else.  Mostly because I am home 24/7, just me, no one else, so he is used to only me.  And I do love him tons.  So many times when I have needed to die – like now – I ponder how he could die with me.  But I have given that idea up as there is no way I could end his life.  He’s too precious, I wouldn’t be able to end his life as his would have to go 1st.

I don’t wish him ill, I don’t want him to die prematurely for his age, I decided long ago though that once he is gone, I am right behind him.  The last couple years I have struggled with wondering how long can I wait?

I have become totally immobilized, completely frozen.  Not just from life outside my door, but even from life inside my doors.  There is no life anywhere around me.  I keep wonderin what the hell it is that I did in life to be destined to living 100% alone for YEARS on top of YEARS and having not a single soul give a damn.  There is no reason for my existance, I just take up space.  God, I should weigh about 80 pounds for all of the tears I’ve cried, but no-o-o-o, I can’t even lose weight.

I know that there is nothing anyone can say that would change my life.  I also know that there is no changing my life.  I’m too old, too disabled and no longer have an ounce of ambition or will or determination or ability with anything.  I simply exist each day, staring at the walls and my Buddy.  I can’t even move to take him for a walk.

Welp – I just needed to tell someone how unhappy I am, again.  So I have.  Thanks.