I almost killed myself on Dec 8th. Just two days ago. I can’t really explain what happened, but I know I could of died. Something my boyfriend did just pushed me over the edge but truth is, it wasn’t about him at all. I’ve been feeling this pain. This excruciating pain that I can’t explain every moment I‘m awake. Everyday I wake up, and force myself out of bed. I try to hide it, and for the most part people buy it. One day I met up with some people from work, and one of the girls said to me she would die to be me. To be this happy all the time and then she started laughing. They carried on with their conversation. But I stood still for a moment, which felt like a year. Could I be such a good liar. Could I hide my pain so well that no one had the slightest idea? Or did they know, but didn’t care ?
Sometimes I talk to God and I ask him why I’m here. I wonder if he has forgotten about me. I ask him if it’s because I’m a bad person that’s why I feel this way. This Thursday I’m supposed to get help but I’m afraid Thursday is too far away and I’m afraid that if I do make it to Thursday I won’t go. I’m really scared and I have no one to talk to because everyone might think I’m crazy. I was really hoping I could count on my bf but I don’t think he can handle it. So I’m really on my own. On Saturday I swallowed 12-16 pills I tried drinking alcohol with it, but my stomach wouldn’t let me. So I thought to myself maybe today should be the last day that I’m here. I wrote a letter to my brother, mother, father, and to my bf saying goodbye and that I loved them. I told God that I was ready to come home. I filled all the liquor into a water bottle
And I left the house. While I was walking to the main street I wasn’t sure where I was going. Maybe someone might kidnap me, I was hoping to die. As I walked I heard the train close by, it was so loud. But I was too scared to die by a train. So I thought of the bluffs that was close by. I started to walk in that direction. I could start to feel the coldness. I began getting very drowsy, I could feel myself swaying as I walked. I wondered if I would walk into the street onto on going traffic but I wasn’t so lucky. I could feel my stomach rejecting the pills I had just swallowed and my body was trying to regurgitate them back up. I walked to the closest bus stop. I was to embarrassed of anyone seeing me vomit. I held it down and sat there. I could feel my pulse speeding by the minute. I felt this shortness of breath, gasping for air alone at this Kingston bus stop. Still I was afraid of someone seeing me, so I tried to slowly breathe. I wondered if I should continue to walk to the bluffs, but I was so cold already. I was afraid of the coldness of the water. I was afraid of drowning. I made my mind up that I wasn’t going to go to the bluffs. I started walking back home. The movement of walking made me want to vomit again, but I held it down in hopes that it was strong enough to kill me. Cars speed pass me. I wondered if they knew what I was doing, or if they thought I was some drunk.
I reached up the driveway of my bf place, and I started seeing these flashing lights. I walked closer, and I wondering where it could be coming from. It was on the ground beside the garbage bins. As I got closer they disappeared I realised now I was hallucinating. I started seeing these lights more and more. I was so afraid of being alone. I started seeing the carpet moving once I got inside. I cleaned up a bit, and then I couldn’t hold it anymore and I vomited in the toilet. I looked for the pills I had swallowed but they weren’t there. I guess they had dissolved already. But I noticed something more surprising I was vomiting blood. I wondered if I should call an ambulance but I knew my bf would be mad so I just went to the couch n fell asleep.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
7 comments
I am reading and I’ll be back in a little when I am through
In short I am skitzophrenic and I have been hospitalized a few times.
And really: it is not all that strange, and there is much help to get – you’re not alone.
go on thursday..get help, because it can make the difference between life and death. and i mean a good life. please get help and talk to a professional. things CAN get better and no, you are not alone.
id really like to hear what you have to say Kato. sounds like you may have an intersting life as well…
OK
Pretending everything being good, or simply not being readable, is not unusual. Just before I got my first diagnosis – which was depression – my parents visited me, and they saw nothing.
Actually I often find that people make mistakes when they think of how I feel on the inside; both when I feel good and when I feel bad (this is a reason I seldom make such judgements about others myself).
Through much of my life I have been telling myself that I ought be dead – or perhaps nonexistent is more precise – and I still do it every now and then. This happens mostly just before I fall asleep; when all is dark. I have often been told that it is better to sleep inn darkness, but at times keeping the light on is the better all things considered.
When you go to get help, then I have often tried to write down what I must say. It can be extraordinary hard to tell these things. From time to time I still lie to my doctor and say things that sounds better than what it really is – and I know it is stupid of me when I do – it is just very hard to actually tell. But remember that even if you don’t get it all out at your first attempt, then getting there is quite a success. If only people knew how hard it is to go there. But write it down and then you can read it to those who are to help you; or you can simply give the note away; or you might not need it after all. But once they get the first grasp of it all they can better ask and it all comes out a lot easier.
Another thing is that I once told a doctor I felt like a complete failure because I needed help. His reply was that the reason they are there is to help people in my situation – they wouldn’t be there if it was just something easy to deal with.
On the blood/dark vomit: See a doctor about it, but since you’re going to see someone on thursday then unless you feel much pain that might be soon enough (put it on your list of must tells btw).
And if you don’t get there on Thursday – there’ll still be another day!
If it is hard to go by bus or wait when you get there it can be a good idea to have something simple to occupy your mind – like a poem or deleting text messages on your phone – just something that diverts attention for a little. Walking is another good thing for the mind – the move and rythm works well
And if it is hard to get through till then: know there’s a lot of good people in here to talk to. Remind yourself that when you think about something bad.
AND THEN THE VERY BEST ADVICE OF ALL: PATIENCE!
That can never be said too often!
P.S. This was the best I could come up with right now, but just ask around or talk to those in here. A lot of people have some experience of life on the edge.
P.P.S. Patience
Igotheblues: Hey, I read your story. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, i’m sorry because i know exactly how it feels. To be trapped in this fucking world with no light. People around you don’t give a shit, that’s all i see. I have been trying to get my life together, i’ve been suffering from depression on and off most of my life. So thinking about ending it once and for all, i found this website and joined. LOVE is all that’s worth living for. I recently broke up with my bf, and it’s killing me. I can’t think of anything but him, and the love that we shared, but it’s gone now, it’s over. There is something out there worth living for. i know it. We’ve got to keep each other alive before we never find out. I’m here for you.
I forgot to mention that often my bad thoughts pops up out of nowhere. Like the last time I had suicidal thoughts for several days (I can still have it for a short while, but that is easier to deal with). No particular reason. And my thoughts were very realistic; like how and where exactly I could carry it out. That was actually when I went here for the first time; did so from a random search on google, and although I am far from a hardcore SP user, I don’t regret coming here.
Kato, is it hard to write? Do words seem all jumbled together? Do you hallucinate? What do you see? I’m just curious as to what goes on in the mind of a schizophrenic? I’m fascinated with mental health.
Wow, thanks to everyone and their kind words. It feels good to let someone know what’s going on in my head, and it feels even better to know I’m not alone. I will keep you guys posted