I am very certain that I am going to fail almost every class that I have signed up for this semester. Fail with a capital ‘F.’ I think this is largely due to a combination of my disgust for my major, naturally poor work ethic, and my frequent abuse of marijuana. I have come to realize, however, that the only thing to blame is myself. There is no other excuse. I have thrown my life away, and even as I type this, I can feel an overwhelming sense of failure and despair creeping up in my stomach. There is no coming back from this, and there is definitley no remedy to it. I am not only going to lose my scholarship, but my GPA will be ruined. I may even get academic probation. My mom is going to be so dissappointed in me and the more I think about my impending doom, which will be here in two weeks, the more I want to kill myself before it gets here. I have honestly never contemplated suicide as intensely as I have this semester. I feel suicidal because I believe that my life is irrevocably ruined due to my actions and mine alone. This belief has decayed my well being to the point where the only time I feel truthfully at ease is when I lay in bed at night imagining a large pick axe coming straight down into my skull, killing me instantly. The worse I feel, the more pot I smoke, and the more pot I smoke, the more down the toilet my life goes, and the further down it goes, the worse I feel. It’s a vicious circle of depression. As horrible as I feel, I can’t confide any of this to anyone I know, which makes me feel very alone despite having a loving girlfriend and sincere friends. I can’t tell my friends due to my sheer embarrassment of my failure in school, and because they honestly have enough to worry about in their own lives without listening to me blubber about my problems, which would probably only distance them from me. I cant tell my girlfriend because it would be revealing a very helpless and vulnerable side of me that I am afraid to show, because I honestly am a fucking wreck right now, and I don’t know if I can bare losing her because of it. And I obviously cant tell my parents because they will gut me if I do. So here I am typing. Im pouring everything I can think of into this entry, hoping it will make me feel better. Because I am mentally and emotionally in a pretty bad place right now, and it the place is getting darker with every passing day. I would give anything right now just to hear someone tell me that everything is going to be ok.
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Everything WILL be okay, hustani. Because we’re gonna help you through it all.
To begin, though, YOU have to make the first step. You have to understand that suicide is something that will NOT make things better. Because when it’s done, it’s done. You can’t undo it. If you believe in the afterlife, then you’ll not be able to change this life anymore. If you believe in reincarnation, then you’ll be born as someone else, but you wont be able to affect your current life anymore. And if you believe in nothing, then you will just cease to exist. Death is very real, it’s not something that just happens like in video games and movies. It takes away too many options for it to be anything, BUT bad for you.
Think about it – what if you someday write a book that some depressed girl reads and finds it life-changing. You could save a LIFE! We still need you in this life. Don’t take yourself away from us.
You can ALWAYS come and confide in us. Sadly, we can only give you advice and hope you take them with open arms. You should try talking to a therapist. They can help. If you don’t like them, then don’t give up, find another one – someone you actually like.
What I feel that helps against depression (and also addictions) is exercise. Go out jogging once a week. You don’t even have to start running straight away, just walk around and pick flowers for your gf, or make a mini-snowman when it’s snowing. Start slow, then gradually go up. Exercise DOES help against depression.
Stop sitting around doing nothing. Get up and DO something. The first part is your own health. After that comes everything else. If you feel like you can’t take the pressure of school, try dropping a few classes and focus more on the ones you keep.
And we’re all here for you. We’ll be here to listen to you and advise you 🙂 just take the first step yourself. We love you here! <3
I know you feel terrible. I know the lethargic feeling that crawls out from inside blanketing everything in the darkness.
From what you have said, you have a lot of emotions and responsibilities that you expect to meet with unbreaking success. If its not 100% then it’s zero percent. I do that too.
If you were unable to feel safe talking to your parents or those you were accountable to as a kid, it can cause certain depression later on. Especially when you have goals you are supposed to meet. Let’s say one goal gets unmet. Or results in a way you did not want it to. Then another. Sometimes these bastards hit all at once and if you cannot say NO to someone or a goal that cannot be met for WHATEVER reason, then its common to beat oneself up over it. Become a self hating person. All because NO ONE listened to you as a kid.
So why would anyone – including yourself – listen now? Why? When all you were told is what to DO and not to FEEL or talk about it. Your self voice is playing the record of failure someone has set for you long before you got to despair.
Believe it or not, no mother wants to agonize over feeling like he could not tell her he fell short of his goals – and commits the end of his life. She in no way would ever want those goals over losing you. And you know – I want you to be here, too.
I don’t want you to feel this way. NO EFFING WAY.
GO easy on the kid – hey? There are enough assholes out there to assist in wiping the smile off your face – don’t help them!
I am betting you might be relieved to entrust your GF with your feelings. Women are intuitive and very nurturing for the most part. The one thing strong women appreciate is the day their sig other tells them they need them. Women like to be needed and want to help – if she is not that type maybe she is part of the problem.
Losing her is not the worst that could happen – losing you to this world is. You sound bright, like you want to do well, that you CARE. Do you know how many people DO NOT CARE about others? You are a blessing to those of us who appreciate your honest ability to talk here.
How to fix this?:
Put down the pipe. Put it down for a few days. You know this shit will make you depressed. NO DRINKING. NONE. NADA. Depressant. Get up – force yourself – take a shower. Clear your calendar. Sit down and think about what YOU want. If you do not know, the answers will come in time. I promise.
Most of us know what we want out of life. The answer lies within. Through the expectations of others, we can lose sight of what we want and who we are. I want you to get up and fight. Crawl if you have to. But get up. Minute to minute if needed.
Get in the ring. Let the bell go off. And knock the shit out of others expectations. Become your own champion even if for ONE ROUND. It is one round you give yourself. For a chance – one more minute – to stay in the game.
I am a mom. My son hurt like you did. I was always open with him and told him to come to me with his burdens. He did until his father and I got divorced. He shut down and turned me away. He had to identify with his dad to make him happy. Because his dad valued MONEY and prestige over giving a damned about anyone. My son was afraid to fail.
I have always wondered if I would lose him to this.
I hear you pain – I hate it for you – and as a mom – I say that no mother would take burying her son over poor grades. You can tell her that. Print this out and show her if she gets pissed about the classes.
Maybe – just maybe – she can see how it affects you and she will reach out to help. And your GF may be surprisingly supportive.
On your team. Hang in there PLEASE
~A mom who misses her son