I only found this site today, but I’ve already been on it far too long, and if it wasn’t for my impending finals I’d have probably stayed longer. So much of what I’ve read sounds so similar, and at the same time so different. Like a lot of the people on here I have no desire to live, I just want it to end. I generally don’t enjoy life; every day is consistently bad. Where I diverge is the cause behind my unhappiness.
When I read the back stories behind some of the people who don’t want to live anymore, I can completely follow them, their life has been terrible for a reason that was completely or mostly out their hands. Be it sexual abuse or emotional trauma, most people have a solid reason. However, I do not. My life has actually never been bad (at least not to the degree of this site). My parents weren’t that mean to me, I did well in school, quiet but whatever, not to sound narcissistic but not bad looking, even got into a good college and am on the way to good job. I don’t want it though, I never have. There’s never been any significant period of time I wanted to live since I hit eighth grade. I have bipolar disorder, both sides of my family have long histories of mental illness anddd, that’s it, my only definitive reason to be sad. And that’s barely it, I could manage it any number of ways if the swings ever got too severe. The urge to kill myself hasn’t gone away since I was about 11, and I think that’s enough of a reason. I know all the arguments against it and I don’t care, I want to die. I dream about it, the day when I can escape this world. I shouldn’t even say escape, I don’t know where I’m escaping to, but I don’t care. If whatever thing is me ceased to exist entirely, that would be my heaven.
The only thing keeping me alive is the people around me. They don’t know about how I feel, but they’ve given me too much for me to just throw it away. As I said before, I haven’t lived a bad life, a normal person in my position would be nothing but happy. The amount of work that had to be put in to provide me with the existence I’ve had must have been enormous and I feel like a selfish prick throwing it away because I’m too ungrateful to accept the gifts given to me. Plus, my death would assuredly negatively affect most of the people I care about, by killing myself I would be throwing away their kindness as well as making their lives miserable in return for whatever period of time they mourn (my parents especially). Unfortunately, be it the stress from school or the inertia of living a life devoid of any happiness, my thoughts of suicide have been becoming more frequent and powerful. I plan on doing it within the next six months, so I have time to make it look like an accident, like I had something to live for. However, the details are unimportant, and frankly not what this post is about. If you managed to make it this far, thanks, means a lot. But if I could ask one more thing of you, would it be wrong? Should I keep going just because?
17 comments
Well, drface, I havent had a “bad life” either. Ive certainly have had issues, but for the most part it was good–yet I’m fascinated with death. I believe the other side is a wonderful gloriouse place. I can wait to see it…one day. for now i cope and live for my son. i brought him into this world it is my responsiblity to carry out my duty as a mother and give him the best life i possibly can. He’s what keeps me going. dont cut your life short, i see life as an adventure and there are many things to come.
I don’t mean to be rude, but an adventure isn’t exactly what I’m after. I could walk away from everything right now, drop college, go somewhere else, lead a different life, but that isn’t what I’m after. I’m exactly where I want to be, this is the best my life has ever been (if you were to view it from the outside) and yet I’m more unhappy than I’ve ever been. The cause of my unhappiness springs from inside, from places that define my character, places that aren’t fixed or mended. The reason I want death is because my unhappiness won’t be fixed by my achievements or status, it’s as constant as I am. A virus rooted in the depths of my consciousness. However, I do applaud your commitment. A mother is a terrible thing to lose, and I’m happy you’ve picked your sons hopefully fruitful future over your own desires.
drface ,
I feel like you as well for my own reasons unlike black hole I don’t believe there is another side, but she’s not going to say I told you so if I’m wrong, but the point is you will hurt the people you love, things really aren’t that bad, so………………..stick around there’s a good chance you can have a happy life with the right person or something, don’t set dates there’s no race. You won’t turn into a pumpkin.
Oh…rocketman….:) i told you once i wont tell you i told ya so….but you’ll see…as far as drface, rocketman is right about sticking around. There was a point in my life for years, that i wanted to DiE…but i kept going and eventually found peace…that doesnt mean i dont struggle from then to then because i do…im just saying dont give up yet. tomorrow is a new day that YOU have complete control over. You can choose to be miseralbe : which will have no effect what so ever : or you can chose to be happy which MAY NOT have effect what so ever. So the choise is yours. you choose; do you want to be happy or miserable? the solution lies with you….
IN that case drface, it may sound like your chemically imbalanced and may need medication….dont be so hesitate to react negatively…try it and give it a chance…seriously.
Well yes, I have depression, bipolar more specifically. And yes, that is my first plan, to get medical help. However, I honestly don’t think that’s the problem. I feel my mood swings, and I have for the last few years. Sometimes they’re extremely unpleasant, and long lasting for that matter. Still, they’re relatively controllable compared to what I feel regularly. There’s something else, and it never leaves.
@drface: I relate to you. I have an endogenous problem like you describe. I was (mis)diagnosed bipolar I w/psychotic features in 1996, (mis)diagnosed schizoaffective in 1999, and (mis)diagnosed schizophrenic this summer, 2012. Perhaps I am all of those diagnoses, perhaps I am not, I know I have a severe stress disorder and all those diagnoses are based upon symptomatic appearances. You say you have been diagnosed bipolar. I do not like them myself but have you tried medications? What is your age? I ask because it is important when you ask: Should I keep going just because? If you have mood swings then you have likely felt down and up, yes? You can hang on for the up swing, if nothing else, no?
I haven’t been diagnosed per se, but rather have felt the symptoms of bipolar for so long that when someone read me the symptoms I had no real doubt. As well multiple members of members of my family have it so it’s already likely. I’ll be diagnosed in less than a month though, at which time I’ll probably be able to try the medication. As I said in my original post I’m waiting a good amount of time; there’s no need to jump to conclusions with a matter as serious as this. I’m 19, young I know, harder to take what I’m saying seriously. In regards to the mood swings, the ups scare me more than the downs. The downs are unpleasant, but they mix well with my demeanor and general state of mind for the past eight years. The ups are wild and short, and clash with my desire to commit suicide, though they never win. I can go from a vacuum of remorse and hate and be forced into feelings of joy (false joy mind you) instantly, it just reminds me there’s something wrong. But again, if I only had bipolar I wouldn’t be here.
I have been seeing my shrink for 13 yrs and it has taken me some time to find the right medication that suits me and my body, BUT…I finally found the right concoction…(sp?) Please, seek medical attention, it can be the difference between life and death. please. i am her to help.
Please tell me your concoction, blackhole, I would really like to know.
sure! I take :…(please forgive me for the spelling)..klonipin…for my anxiety, lamotrigine…for mood swings….pristique…for depression…seroquel.. for sleep…provigile…to wake my ass up …
This is what gets me through the day….ive tried just about everything else, but this is my concoction that works for ME.
OH…i have been diagnoised with bi-polar, major depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder….(i know im missing one….)…..
@drface: quite the opposite, the fact you are 19 makes me take you MORE seriously because age is moot and irrelevant to momentary suffering. The fact you are 19 is first and foremost an excellent reason for you to keep going, like you said, just because–and you mentioned another quite important consideration–your parents. I hope to discuss more with you but I have an @blackhole on my mind.
@blackhole, I have Klonopin, lamotrigine, and medications similar to Seroquel on hand, what is pristique?
Another critical reason for you to continue seeking life routes rather than death rides, drface, is because of your youth, your intelligence, your potential, and the fact that you are so young physically, there is so much change in store for you simply by virtue of your bodily youth–you are still changing rapidly at 19 years.
‘Just because’ is a very good reason, actually, because unfortunately, sometimes we must choose to stay here…just because we ARE here–better to do NOTHING than do the WRONG thing–always many opportunities for further consideration so long as we do NOTHING.
Andy, I’m well aware of my rather dynamic state, and I’d like to cite it as the main reason we’re speaking today. Unfortunately, things haven’t gotten better for quite some time, worse actually, and it’s getting down to a crunch time of sorts. The time when my life actually starts getting complicated, when people start to depend on me, when my actions will have a much greater impact than before. If I hit 30, and my feelings still haven’t changed and I’d just kept going in life, do you think it’ll be as easy to end it? I sure don’t. What’ll happen to my parents then? Nobody wants to bury their son at 75, might as well dig three graves. By then I couldve messed up in other ways, had a kid, family, etc…, what I’m trying to say is that if some dumb, drunk college kid walks in front of a car (just an example), he’ll leave a lot less behind than a grown man with commitments in life.
Also, the argument that “we’re here so, we must be important” isn’t exactly relevant. I’m here yes, I’ve been granted the chance to exist by whatever deity, science or cosmos, and that’s great (well technically neutral). But I’m suffering. Why endure a negative existence just because you exist?
drface, it all comes down to what you believe in….I BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH….if you dont, then i would make the best of what was given to me. well, even if you do believe in life after death…make the best of it….JUST MAKE THE BEST OF IT THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO. I cant imagine that werea all put here for NOTHING. there has to be someting at the end of the rainbow…there just has to be.
THATS WHAT I BELIEVE.