I used to be so strong….

I’m 53, a mother, grandmother and a wife. And I’ve totally andcompletely botched them all. I used to be strong. Strong enough to have endured my childhood that was full of physical, sexual and verbal abuse. I got married, and for a few years life seemed OK. Then his drinking got worse, and the verbal abuse started, then the emotional affairs he had with women on the internet, and then the physical affair he had with one of the women he met via the internet. I lived through all that, but health has been in a steady decline. Then he got sober, and for about three years it was OK again, or so I thought. Then he had a stroke. He lost the use of his left side, but he still managed to get on the internet and contact the same women he had been covorting with for many, many years. The stroke pretty much left him in a state just like he was in when he was drinking. So I now live with a sober “drunk”. I lost my job, my unemployment is gone. I am in school with one semester to go to get my degree, and I don’t think I’m going to make it. My husband has turned my children against me. IMy body doesn’t work. I have horrible arthritis, need both hips and one knee preplaced. I cannot walk without some devide assisting me. I am in pain 24/7, I have urinary incontenence – which is in many ways harder to deal with than the pain.

I don’t know where to go or what to do. I have no one to turn to, no place to go. My pets are all I have and my husband threatened to call and have them all taken away. My son told me I was a horrible mother and I was the reason he felt the need to cut himself and felt like he was useless. My only hope I had when I married and had kids was that I would not do to them what had happened to me, and I guess I spent so much time trying to protect them and keep them safe, I didn’t spend enough time showing them I loved them in a way they would understand…..

I just feel hopeless. I have a sack full of meds sitting here – nuerontin, vicodine, diazepam, several high blood pressure meds….. I am trying to find out if they would be enough to do the trick. I at least want my last few moments on earth to be painless, just for a few moments to be pain-free would be such a blessing. I don’t think there would be very many people who would miss me, there certainly would be more that would be less burdoned if I was gone. I believe in reincarnation, and I just want to go on to my next life which hopefully will be a better one