I’m 53, a mother, grandmother and a wife. And I’ve totally andcompletely botched them all. I used to be strong. Strong enough to have endured my childhood that was full of physical, sexual and verbal abuse. I got married, and for a few years life seemed OK. Then his drinking got worse, and the verbal abuse started, then the emotional affairs he had with women on the internet, and then the physical affair he had with one of the women he met via the internet. I lived through all that, but health has been in a steady decline. Then he got sober, and for about three years it was OK again, or so I thought. Then he had a stroke. He lost the use of his left side, but he still managed to get on the internet and contact the same women he had been covorting with for many, many years. The stroke pretty much left him in a state just like he was in when he was drinking. So I now live with a sober “drunk”. I lost my job, my unemployment is gone. I am in school with one semester to go to get my degree, and I don’t think I’m going to make it. My husband has turned my children against me. IMy body doesn’t work. I have horrible arthritis, need both hips and one knee preplaced. I cannot walk without some devide assisting me. I am in pain 24/7, I have urinary incontenence – which is in many ways harder to deal with than the pain.
I don’t know where to go or what to do. I have no one to turn to, no place to go. My pets are all I have and my husband threatened to call and have them all taken away. My son told me I was a horrible mother and I was the reason he felt the need to cut himself and felt like he was useless. My only hope I had when I married and had kids was that I would not do to them what had happened to me, and I guess I spent so much time trying to protect them and keep them safe, I didn’t spend enough time showing them I loved them in a way they would understand…..
I just feel hopeless. I have a sack full of meds sitting here – nuerontin, vicodine, diazepam, several high blood pressure meds….. I am trying to find out if they would be enough to do the trick. I at least want my last few moments on earth to be painless, just for a few moments to be pain-free would be such a blessing. I don’t think there would be very many people who would miss me, there certainly would be more that would be less burdoned if I was gone. I believe in reincarnation, and I just want to go on to my next life which hopefully will be a better one
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Hi, when do you plan on taking them?
I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I had a doctor appointment on Thursday, and once again no help. They are far more concerned about getting paid than they are about helping people. If I were better physically, I would simply load up my pets and leave. But I am practically immobile. I can’t do anything without a walker or a wheelchair. I am in constant non-stop pain and my pain doctor will not increase my pain meds suffeciently despite the fact my hips are both bone on bone and my left knee is bone on bone and I have four herniated discs. For all that I a alotted 4 vicodin a day at the 5/500 dose. Along with neurontin and 10mg per day of diazepam. I am never, I mean NEVER out of pain. And then again there is the incontenence…..
So when do I plan on it? I don’t know. My worst fear is to take all my meds and it NOT kill me and then I have to suffer on without ANY meds. So I don’t know……. Why does all this shit just have to be so hard? Why do people have to be so mean to one another?? I’m truly just not strong enough anymore, I can’t deal with one more thing….
You see, i’m planning to kill myself during Christmas time with nothing physically that is the cause for my desire, just tired of life.
I can’t understand your level of suffering, though i emphasize with you psychological endurance ebbing. I am 29yrs, and i have felt aging only seems to weaken my will. Perhaps it is natural that you can’t take anymore, you’ve done alot in life. Why suffer just to die for nothing?
Research thoroughly before trying to OD, because i messed up before and it was really embarassing, plus i was lucky not to have had a damaged liver. Now i’m sacred to survive and be criticised.
Why are people so mean,? I wish i knew the answer. And to be honest, i don’t want you to kill yourself, it is horrible that your body seems to be deteriorating, but i see no alternative. Society, from my pov doesn’t seem to tolerate the weak.
Yes, I worry about using drugs, I want to be certain that if I would ever attempt it, that it work. I have three different high blood pressure meds. I don’t know for sure, but I would think that if you took enough of those it would certainly have a serious affect on your BP, lowering it enough to stop your heart. Also, the diazepam and vicodin are respatory depressants, so if I took enough of those, along with the BP meds, the lowered blood pressure along with the respitory depressants should do it. I know a bit about meds, and their affects and what they do. BUT I’ve never attempted suicide. My worst fear is I try and use up all my meds and it not work. Then I will live in misery until I can get them refilled….. So it’s either all or nothing… I’m tired of the physical pain and the emotional pain…. I can’t handle much more….
I am so sorry you’re in so much pain.
Is some kind of family therapy an option? If your husband won’t go maybe you could at least go with your kids… I wish I had something more to offer. I hope you find a way to cope and then improve your situation, you’ve been dealt a rough hand 🙁
I don’t know if my kids would go. My husband has went out of his way to trash me with them. My oldest daughter lives in England, and she has been supportive of me, but she is so far away. She has no use for my husband who is her step-father, she seen through him long ago, she’s smarter than I am.
All my health conditions are made worse from stress, so all this drama and BS just makes me hurt even more. Which I think my husband gets off on. If I could just hang on long enough to finish school, get me degree and the fuck OUT. I have put so much into getting my degree, I really want to get it, but I also worry that because of my handicaps that no one will hire me. But I’m trying to hold on……
Getting the fuck out sounds like a brilliant plan. With your son if possible… but he may have to learn the hard way what your daughter already realized (probably harder for him since it’s his dad not his stepdad?).
If you’re in the US there are laws about discrimination against those with disabilities… but it’s an understandable fear since employers can get around that by saying someone else was more qualified or whatever. Still, a degree counts for a lot!
Best of luck to you *hug*