Dear Travis,
I really wanted to tell you some stuff… mostly that i miss you like crazy. I think about you all the time. about what you and i always did. Remember the day i took the bus home with you and we made love to each other for the first time? I do. Part of me wishes that we could go back to that day. it was a wonderful day, and there was magic everywhere! i could never forget, or regret that day… ever. I remember every detail…
Anyways, i also wanted to tell you that i am really jealous of Morgan. She’s lucky to be with you… but i am mostly jealous of how perfect she is. She’s a perfect angel and she is so much than me… i just want to be the one holding your hand, kissing your soft lips with my burts bees chapstick. To hold your hand and look at our ‘no gaps’ (inside thing). I want to give you a secret hickey behind your ear where your hair will cover it. Bite your lower lip… suck your tounge into my mouth… playfully wrestle you to the ground and have you pinned… I miss all of that… No one will ever be like you, or make me feel the way i do about you. Travis i dream about you almost every night. some are good, some are bad and some are absolutely horrible. The horrible dreams you ask? Those are the ones where things are how they used to be. You and me coruled up on the couch in your basement and under the soft brown blanket. You kiss my neck until I turn around and kiss you back. We talk, laugh and kiss… talk about the future and what we would do if we ended up together. Move to Vermont, have Tyler and Ava, the puppy and kitten. Our German Shepard-Husky mix. We would start start to kiss some more until we made love. Everything was perfect… then i wake up. And none of it was really happening. I wake up and realize that you arnt with me, but worse, youre with someone else. These dreams kill me a little more everything i have them. Ive gotten better through, when i wake up i already know it was only a dream. Only a dream.
Everyday i see you. sometimes youre alone, and sometimes youre not alone. the times when youre alone i feel worse.. i dont know why though. But the days when you two are together walking down the hallway holding hands, i look into your eyes. your beautiful blue-green eyes, with a hing ot gold sometimes. I cant help but to still feel a spark. a connection. like maybe there is a part of you that misses me…? But i have no way of knowing, unless you told me. But i dont expect that to happen. I dont know if i would want to know if you missed me or not. We have taken Biology together, but you and i have chemisty. I know that was lame… i had to say it.
Speaking of saying things… I need to tell you that i am sorry. im sorry for everything. especially for the day i yelled at Morgan. I swear it wasnt to you, but that doesnt matter because you love her. Im sorry for everything I did and sad. I know i acted crazy… I just couldnt possibly stand to loose you, so instead i pushed you away even more. But you know me… I always do the wrong thing when i am trying to do the ‘right’ thing. I tried to hold onto you, but instead i pushed you away and into her arms… the exact opposite of what i wanted to do. But thats the story of my life i guess… haha. Im really sorry Travis. And i’m sorry to morgan too. i wish i could build up the courage to tell you both to your faces… but i know that i will only make a fool of myself, mmore than i already have.
I’m writing this for myself mostly… to put my thoughts to words, and outside of my head. But there is a very big part of me that wants to send this to you. I dont know if i will or not… but if youre reading this then i guess i decided to give it to you. I want you to know whats really been going on… in my head atleast. I just wanted to tell you… I love you. I loved you before, i love you know, and odds are i will love you forever. Ive tried to let go and just ‘get over you’ and all of this stuff, but something just wont let me. i dont know what it is though… maybe i will figure it out someday… until then.. i love you travis ******* *********. Its okay if you dont feel it back, i just wanted to tell you.
Sincerely,
The one who loves you mjore than anything…. no gaps.
P.S. If you do get this, please dont show anyone… well i guess it doesnt matter, its up to you. but i would perfer you not to. Goodbye <3
This letter is getting longer, sorry. You dont have to read it though, i wonder if your mom told you about the day i went in to see her at her office. i went before dance one day. I just wanted to see her and say hi, see how she was going and how your family was. Id actually had a dream that your mom had a heart attack and passed away, and i wanted to be sure she was okay and healthy. There were actually alot of things i wanted to say and ask… but when i said to her i forgot everything and my eyes started to water. I miss everyone, even your grandmothers. And about family… all of September i thought and worried about you. i thought about Tyler alot too. And how wonderful of a big brother you would be.
But i miss talking to you. Even just as my friend. we talked about anything and everything… i miss that. I think thats the biggest thing i miss… that and kissing you. Actually i was talking to someone, and still sort of am, and he has kissed me a few times, but its no where near as nice as when you would kiss me. That and it felt wierd… it wasnt as natural as kissing you. Sorry if that was weird for me to say.
I sweat i am not trying to be weird. i really just needed to get all of this off my chest. I did want to remind you about how good you and i were… we had our problems… but we would through them. I hope we can get through all of this. Like the night i fell asleep in your arms in my bed at my dads house. thats something ill never be able to forget even if i wanted to.
It’s long, and its a little scattered… i just wrote whatever came into my head..
13 comments
Why are you asking?
I presume you wrote it with the intention of sending it. Or maybe you just wrote it to vent feelings. Either way, you know the situation better than anyone here, so surely you’re the only person who can make the best decision.
Paragraph 5, sentence 1.
Whomever falls in love with you will be the happiest person in the world, Ab.
<3
heartcore, what about that sentence makes you say that? im just curious
being replaced by the one person in the world who is irreplaceable to you is a feeling worse than death. travis chooses to be blind and deaf to your words because he has someone to distract his mind and heart from his memories.
people always say, “give it time, you’ll get over it”, or “there are plenty of fish in the sea”… however, time does NOT heal all wounds, and we are not freakin fish! we are human beings who all want for the comfort and happiness of something real and meaningful. love.
it is likely that sending him this letter will result in nothing positive. even if your intentions are to vent your frustrations and apologies and feelings, it’s probably not going to change anything. my apologies for being such a pessimist, but i speak with a certain amount of experience on the matter.
people have an extraordinary capacity to love, but then it would seem as soon as it becomes difficult, most people decide to try something new. and the pattern repeats over and over again. most people believe that trying to fix something is a waste of time, so instead they replace it.
the phrase “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.” is something that i think applies.
i am being a bit of a downer. i am sorry. my own situation has made it hard to see the forest through the trees.
It’ll feel that way for awhile, LLG… and it will pass.
I’m married now, and I can tell you that I have a special place in my heart for all my exgfs. I was in love with all of them. I sincerely hope each of them is happy wherever they are and especially whomever they’re with. 🙂
Anyways… You’ve got to let love rule.
heartcore – even if it does pass, that doesn’t make it right, but my heart anyway. even if i were to somehow ever find happiness again, i would forever feel that as a betrayal… and i would always feel as if i had to settle for second or third place. that wouldn’t be fair to anyone else, nor would it be true to myself.
and again, my apologies for being the bitter pessimist, but marriage doesn’t preclude anything. i was married too. and now i have been replaced. in as little as six months. it hurts so much to have fallen in love over and over with the same person for ten years, only to have them choose to discard you as if you were nothing more than trash.
i am glad you were able to “move on” in life, but some people just aren’t meant to.
Abselom, I would say, if you’re okay with him reading it and the potentiall that his friends might see it, I think it would definitely help to give it to him to get it off your chest. Wishing you all the best=)
LLG your not a downer. your the person i needed to hear from! i needed to know what others thought, people who have nothing to do with the situation.. so to you i say thank you! no matter how “pesimistic” your words are, they are the truth. and the truth is what i am looking for. im a “pesimistic” person myself.. i just cant act the same way towards my own situations
EmM, thank you! I’m still on the rocks about what i will do about it.. but im in NO hurry to decide. my bestfriend will probably give me her bluntly honest opinion tomorrow when i see her.. at least i hope so
i don’t think you should do it because i really doubt he’s going to care… i know it’s blunt, but i feel like it’s true.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. My fiancé left me recently so I understand those feelings, and they are still a bit fresh for me. I, too, wrote up multiple notes on my phone of things I wanted to say to him. It took so much self control not to send them, because I wanted him to know how I felt. But I am sooo glad I never sent any, because I now know that it would’ve made things way worse. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but he has someone distracting him now, so if you send him anything, he really will not care, which will only leave you feeling worse. The only message I sent my ex after the break up was to ask him if he wanted the engagement ring back so he could get a refund, and all he said was “no”. That’s the last time I ever heard from him, and that was a month ago. I found out a couple weeks ago that he is now with a girl he’s always worked with. So, what I’m trying to say is, when they are with someone else, they do not think about you. I know it hurts like hell! When I catch myself thinking about him and getting sad, I remind myself – why waste my thoughts on him when he is probably not thinking about me?
Try to keep yourself busy with friends and hobbies. Nights are the hardest but give it some time and you just might find yourself happier.
No, I don’t think you should send that. when you said he wouldn’t care about the note, you’re probably right. and i don’t mean that to be cruel! but he left you, he’s with someone else. it hurts so bad, I know how you feel. 🙁 but it happened and you need to accept it. the note will only make you seem desperate, pathetic, and silly. he’s sharing those things with another girl now – i know the sharpness of the pain that causes – but you need to realize that. you need to be angry at him for not valuing those special moments you described more. and you need to find get into a better mental state, alone..and you’ll find someone else, the times you share will be even more special.
I know that sometimes you feel you need to get this shit out of your head and into his.
But I can assure you that he will see it as a desperate attempt to amend the relationship.
And It might inflict more drama , with him as his new girlfriend. Time I can assure you heals
Most wounds. And love is a one. There is so much time left …and when it stops raining
The world will continue to deal out the amazing this ahead of you. Do not send that letter