Wanting to die….

I don’t know where to start…maybe with how I’m feeling.  I feel like I can’t breath, my chest and heart are heavy constantly feeling constricted.  I can’t eat and I can’t sleep.  Why you may ask?……My life, as I know it has fallen apart.  My job has been eliminated and despite resumes sent out, interviews the number of connections I have, nothing has come to fruition.  Then a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up.  I’ve loved him for over 5yrs and finally we were together.  We had moved in together earlier this year and I was so excited.  But we had a hard time adjusting.  I  am insecure, always have been, I have trust issues and was always afraid he was going to leave.  I went to counselling, I went to hypnotherapy, trying anything I could to resolve the issues that were tearing us apart.  Nothing worked, atleast not in time.  He had enough and we were done.  So I moved out and am now living with a friend of a friend.  So no home to call my own, no job and no boyfriend.  Since that day that we ended, I have tried to kill myself with pills and alcohol.  I’m still here so it obviously did not work.  All I managed to do was make myself feel very sick.   I went to see my doctor and he put me on anti-depressants and  anti-anxiety meds.  They don’t seem to be working.  So I started researching suicide methods on  Google.  There are lots.  Like most, I want it to be quick and painless.   I do not have access to firearms, so a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head is not an option.  I finally came along sites that talked about carbon monoxide poisoning from lighting charcoal in a bbq in a small enclosed space.  It seemed easy enough and effective at least from the many reports from Hong Kong and the few US incidents.  So for the last few days, I have been collecting supplies.  My roommate where I’m staying was away this weekend.  I picked up a charcoal bbq and briquettes, a sleeping bag, duct tape, plastic, ice, water, wine, my laptop, my iPod, bricks and a heat resistant pan and then saved up my Ativan to knock me out.

I was prepared today.  I prepared the signs for the doors, warning people of the CO gas, lined up my suicide letters, taped up the vents in the bathroom, disconnected the smoke detector and carbon monoxide detector.  I prepared the bbq and coal and lit it outside, to let it burn to the desired preparedness. There was much more smoke than I had accounted for and then I realized, I’m living in someone else’s house.  If I do this, not only will she be coming home to a dead body, but  her house will smell like charcoal and be filled with CO gas.  What would I be leaving behind for her to deal with after she has opened her home to me.  So I aborted my attempt.  For today.

Only problem is,  I did not go through with it today, but I still want to do it.  So I’m thinking my car now.  I can set the bbq up in my car.  My only worry is what if someone finds me before I succeed.  Will I be able to sit in the car with the smoke from the bbq?  Will I have enough pills to knock me out?

Why am I writing here you are wondering?  Because I want to die.  And  I am hoping someone can tell me how to do it effectively, quickly and painlessly.