Why her? Why not me?

This is my first post on the suicide project. I used to post my thoughts on fb (on a page, a sort of suicide helpline) but then my friends could see the posts on ticker and that made me feel awkward. This is a part of myself I don’t want them to see. They don’t deserve to know the secrets of my heart, they haven’t earned the right.
Every time I have liked a guy, he had chosen some other girl over me. This has done some serious damage to my ego. I look in the mirror and the girl who stares back at me, is beautiful. She has a nice smile, soft eyes, a good height, wavy black hair and a prominent personality. A girl who can hold her own in any conversation and can carry most of the dresses well. A girl who should be loved and cherished.
But so far, I haven’t had any luck in this department. Here I would like to clarify that guys do fall for me. But not the ones I really like. I try giving a chance to the ones who do like me though. But it never reaches anywhere. Maybe by now I am quite set in my patterns, and cannot allow anyone to push through the bullshit and reach me. I always find a way to push them away.
I miss their attention afterwards though. But I know it was for the best because I had only been tolerating them. Love should come naturally. whenever it does, it somehow doesn’t find its way back to me. I have my baggage to carry. I know! But in my most troubled times, a guy came along. It felt that I no longer had to be strong, that I could rely on his strength. Then suddenly he pulled away. His last words to me were, ” You are strong, u can deal with this alone.” He fell in love with another girl right in front of me. He did for her every thing I wanted him to do for me. Treated her the way I wanted to be treated. It ripped my heart out. I accepted him for all his flaws and faults. I let myself fall in love, I dove in head first, without a safety net. I got hurt. When he was finally out of my life, it took me many months to over come this. I thought of dying often during that time, of committing suicide. Why was it so easy for him to love her? What is wrong with me? Why not me? All i want is to be loved by someone I can love back. Someone I have something common with. Someone I can hold a conversation with. Someone with whom love and life get a meaning.
I often think of ending it all. My youth will finally leave me one day. Then what? Then I will not have even this much chance to find love. I am miserable, yet I cannot bring myself to settle for anything less that the real thing. Why am I so hard to love? Why can’t the man of my dreams just find me. I don’t want to compete for someones love. I don’t want to come between two people. but it invariably is the case. and I always loose! I am in love again, this time too, the same situation has arrived. I can match wits with this man, have opinions, laugh and dream, care……. the other girl, well I don’t know her,,,,, but it is hard to believe that she gels better with him. I will not come between them if he chooses her. If they can build a beautiful future together then by heavens they should. But I don’t want to live to begrudge them their happiness. I don’t want to live a sour, bitter person. I don’t hate myself. If I do decide to take my life it would be because I have had enough of being invisible, of being unloved.