Clear the Air

I’m so tired of putting on this mask every day.  I go through each day pretending to be happy, forcing myself to smile and laugh at my coworkers when at the same time, all I want to do is run away from there and never go back.   I feel like anytime I talk to someone face to face, it’s the exact same thing as when I talk to a client on the phone that is across the country.  “Hi, this is Jerry!  I’m so happy right now!  I’m here to help you and nothing else matters!”  That’s what I say on the surface, but how is anyone supposed to know that I am constantly thinking of the relief that would come by putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger.

Sure, a good amount of my friends and family know that I am depressed and bipolar and I’ve told them I’ve had suicidal thoughts, but they really don’t understand how much I really just want to die most days.  It doesn’t help that I’ve always bottled up my feelings, never truly expressing how I feel to anyone.  I’ve always been the type of person that will go out of the way to help the ones I care about and do anything to make them happy.  Only recently have I realized the damage I have done to myself by always putting other peoples’ happiness first, even if it made me feel miserable.

So I sit here avoiding all the work I have to do and thinking about all the stuff I would rather be doing, the songs I would rather be writing, the books I would rather be reading, the games I would rather be playing.  I want to do all these things, but I know I won’t feel the motivation to do any of it, because what’s the point?  I know I’m just going to go home, smoke a few bowls, do nothing productive and wake up tomorrow to do it all again.

And so I leave anyone who decided to read my ramblings with the song I will be blasting in my car as I chain smoke my cigarettes on my way home.  This band always sums up how I feel day to day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOum_DlqOrk