Depression success/failure story from somebody who’s done “all the right things”.

I’ve been a persistent fighter(not literally) who has gone down all the right roads in life, but the best that modern psychology has to offer is just not good enough.

I was born very different from other children because I was very quiet, scared, anxious, and withdrawn.  Some kids grow out of it, and I didn’t.  My parents were immigrants so they did not embrace Western Psychology, when my teachers referred me to get help.  As soon as I was an adult, I made mental health my NUMBER ONE priority in life.  I voluntarily saw a psychologist and psychiatrist to fix this severe depression and anxiety.  I’ve made leaps and bounds in progress over the past 10+ years with my doctors.  I stopped all recreational drug use(mostly weed) when my psychiatrist recommended it, I stopped any hard partying, I read up on cognitive therapy methods to supplement my doctors’ visits, I exercise regularly, and even have a very healthy diet.  This is ALL in the name of relieving myself of the pain that I don’t want to feel anymore.

My anxiety was so bad that I could not walk into the doors of many of my college classrooms when I was 18-19.  As a result, I had numerous incomplete classes and F’s.  Shortly afterwards, I had my only suicide attempt motivated by my inability to succeed as a normal student.  I sat in my garage with my dad’s SUV and my truck on until the police broke in and got me out.  After 10 years of therapy, I gave school 1 more try.  To my surprise, I was able to complete a full academic quarter.  I finished my calculus, computer programming, chemistry, and basic engineering classes and tried to get into the state University(Western Washington University).  Even though I made the Dean’s list multiple times, got straight A’s in my most recent quarters, and had my Associate’s Degree, I got rejected from the state school 3 times because of my grades from over 10 years ago!  I told them about my story of overcoming anxiety, how many years I had been in the doctors’ office, and how I don’t use drugs, etc.. but they don’t give a damn.  Only after a 4th attempt, 3 doctors letters, and threatening legal action did I FINALLY get a chance to go on with my education.

Look, I’m really proud of what I’ve done:  Going against my family’s wishes to seek psychological help, racing in the Baja 500, becoming a junior state champion in road cycling, getting 2 personal training certifications, getting into the university, racing downhill mountain bikes, quitting drugs/partying, and most recently: diving head first into stand up comedy.  In June of 2012, I had a 1 hour panic attack when it came time to do a presentation in front of 23 people.  5 months later, I performed my first show in front of 500 people.  I came out with energy, tore my clothes off to reveal leather pants when I made fun of 80s metal, ranted like a mad man about guys who are proud to not go down on women, and had 2 female assistants to come on stage licking lollipops as I poked fun about the differences between guys n girls.  Go ahead and look, the video is on youtube.. look up “Ron Chang Comedian WWU Last Comic Standing”.  It was truly a miracle to overcome lifelong anxiety and do that.  I’m very passionate about mental health advocacy and have fought really hard to bring a depression and anxiety support group to my campus, despite HUGE obstacles with existing clubs, the counseling center, etc.

When I talk about suicide, I’m being very rational.  I’m sorry to say, but the world’s best psychology just doesn’t cut it.  The medication doesn’t cut it.  I’m still very, very depressed and I’m tired of people saying “things will get better.”  They have NO IDEA how long or how hard I’ve tried.  I’ve done EVERYTHING right, and  I’m still in so much pain and agony.  Some people joke around with losers not having their mom hug them enough.. well.. that’s true with me.  I’d describe the cause of my suicidal feelings and the deepest pain as “love sickness” or a “persistent broken heart”.  I’ve had 2 long term relationships, but I’m currently single.  When meeting girls, I just can’t express my strengths and accomplishments because  this kind of shit scares girls(understandably).  I want people to see that I have responsibly, and successfully lived a life of severe depression and that I do not do drugs or have a criminal record.  I’m so embarrassed by these feelings but it’s truly a very painful longing to be understood and wanted.  You can only endure so long before the body and mind give out.

I have made the decision to peacefully kill myself the day before my birthday on March 21st.  I won’t cry and I’ll go peacefully in nature.  Until then, I’ll see my doctors, try my hardest in school, and try to do all the things that I’ve wanted to experience in life.. like starting MMA training, woohoo!

Nobody can say that I didn’t try.  I hate it when people try to convince me that “it’s not that bad” and suicide is not the right answer.  They don’t feel what I feel, and they sure as hell have not gone through what I’ve gone through to find peace and love.  Thank you for your time.  -Ron Chang