How did i get to this point?

I just dont know how i got here… my life is so fuucked uupppp…. my dad blew his brains out when I was 6 years old.. my family moved across the country when I was 11…. Then moved back across the country 2 years later… my family is poor, not too bad, but lets just say I cook a wicked top ramen…. I’m sitting here typing this and cutting my wrists… something I have began to done because, holy fuck does it feel good… im so depressed… hopeless, the only thing I wanted was a girl, but she doesn’t want me… but that’s not the only thing. I’ve felt this way for years…. I’ve been in the position to kill myself multiple times, literally standing on a chair with the noose around my neck, but never went through with it… I enjoy pain so much now.. I like hurting myself. Physically and mentally. I cut myself, punch myself, whatever. I have no friends anymore, everything I used to enjoy I don’t anymore… I just want to die. Im 18 years old… why do I feel like this, when I look around everyone elses lives seem so much better… I’m blowing my brains out soon, just like my daddy. I cant wait to get my hands on that gun.. its fucked up because I am so depressed and wish my life was better but I know that when I do it I’m going to have a smile on my face…. I’m becoming more and more fucked up in the head on a daily basis… but everyone around me as no idea… I only wish I could see their faces when they find out I blew my brain out..